"Why would you fall? I'm holding unto you, baby."
My tears welled up at what he said, here is the familiar pinch in my heart again. He's pertaining literally on what I said but I thought more deeply. If only everything was that easy, if only there was another way to save him from falling so badly. If only he's really here to hold unto me so that I won't fall reaching the rock bottom. If only ...
He intertwined his fingers to mine, I felt him kissing the side of my head. The ups and downs of his chest due to his breathing is all I can feel. I bit my lips contemplating on what to say ...
"Your mother hates me. " I felt him stopped.
But a few seconds moved just to bring my body closer to him.
"That's why you hate me too?" I sighed heavily, so hopeless. I know he's well aware of that thing, he's really just diverting the conversation.
"This is ... wrong."
I bowed to the two of us. Contrary to how I feel what comes out of my mouth, I am dominated by complex things. Now he's here with me and everything feels right the only thing on my mind is my downfall after all this. The return of all problems and complications.
"And what is right Ava? To leave me? Again?"
I looked at him from my back and met his eyes. I can see the darkness of it because of what I said. Like he's unhappy about it, and tired of what I keep saying.
"Ava, we've wasted years without each other. Do you really think that pushing through that would still make a difference?"
"But how are they? My sister? Your mom? She's right, this relationship will just remind us of the pain of the past."
"She told you that?"
His jaw moved and his eyes grimed. I'm tired of blinking trying to remove his fingers from me, if he's not ready to face reality then I'm out of this. We cannot ignore everything and think only of ourselves. But he grabbed it and tightened his grip on me, not wanting to let me go. He sighed heavily. The hug tightened on me.
"Do you think I still have time to think of others Ava? When all of the reason for this delay was just your sudden disappearance. You're the only one I can think of right now, why would you think of anyone else at this point? "
"Because I'm not selfish Levi! I can't suffocate all this fun in return for the suffering of others."
"And you're willing to put me in despair just to put everyone else at ease?"
Dead end. I shuddered and scrambled to find the words. Neither of those two, I don't want to choose. Is there any other way out? Is it possible to be happy without hurting anyone?
"For once Ava, please choose yourself. Please ..."
A lump on my throat was unable to penetrate.
"Even if I'm not, just please choose yourself."
Hearing her voice almost pity made me even more miserable. But isn't that what I'm doing all this time? Isn't it still called selfishness when we have come this far? He buried his face in my neck, and there I felt the heat of his breath. I caressed his arm because of the complicated situation in my mind.
"What happened, Levi?"
He stopped at my question. Probably didn't know what I was referring to.
"What happened that time? And how did it all happen?"
He doesn't answer right away, seems like I've just hit a sensitive part of his life. I want him to see my point, and he won't be able to see that until I push it down to his throat. I heard his heavy sighs before shifting his head on my shoulder. He tiredly bent his forehead there.
"I was still a kid when dad left us, while my brother was still an infant. I had no one else because mom had to go on a rehab because of drug abuse and depression ... She was even suicidal so, basically me and my brother had to live on our own. "
He opened up while he's brushing his fingers to my skin.
"Because mom's not in a good term with our relatives, the Solidad's had to take care of us they are my family's close friends. Well, that just for the first few years, but when I knew I could take care of myself and my brother ... we lived on our own. I worked hard trying to make for a living until our relatives finally reached out for us. "
My caress on his skin quickened because of what I heard. My heart sunk on his side of the story, I never knew it was that hard for him. I can't imagine his situation from that point. It must have been so hard for him.
"I didn't know that dad was having an affair with another woman, I just knew they fought a lot until one day it all happened."
Every word he's saying feels like opening a healed wound just to put an alcohol on it.
"I had to work at young age to provide for my brother and I, because mom is in rehab and I don't want to ask help from my dad. I was mad, but I don't have time to feel such useless emotion .The only thing that's on my mind that time is to go through those shit and take care of my brother.Gladly, years after mom came back and took over dad's business and there, I had the chance to focus on my studies. "
I faced him and stroked his jaw, I expected his eyes to be more in despair but they're different. I think I was even more offended by what he said. He took my hand caressing his. "And years after, dad came back with his child ... your brother and mine."
Even though my heart was hurting, I was able to touch his lips with a kiss. My heart is aching with all those story. I can't believe that life has played with us like this. He brushed his lips into mine deeper because of his successive attacks. He scooped me and in one second, I was lying on the bed.
"Going through this again won't affect me anymore Ava, if there's anyone else who has to do some moving on, it's you. You're all that matters to me now, no pain could ever make me change the way I feel about you , about us. "
His thumb caress my cheeks while a tear escaped in my eye.
"It's very easy to forgive Levi, but to forget all that is another matter."
He nodded with close eyes, as if he was sure he understood me.
"I know, but I also want you to know that you are blinded by that false information."
I frowned at what he said. What?
"I don't want to be the one to tell you this but you are leaving me with no choice."
I gulped not ready for whatever he has to say.