Have you ever been numb before? The dancing of butterflies in your belly with a mixture of unsettling thoughts.
He forcefully claimed my lips, forcefully parting them shoving in his tongues, but I didn't kiss back.
Why? Because I wanted to understand all this, all the feelings growing inside of me and what he felt too.
He can't just keep kissing me and acting like they don't matter! I push him off, wiping my lips with the back of my palm.
He had a stunned expression, he didn't expect it neither did I.
I slapped him right across the face, it was surprisingly amazing to me yet I kinda felt bad.
"I deserved that," he said, turning his direction to the other side.
"I'm so sorry Liliana......" I cut him off.
"You are always sorry, giving me mixed feelings and acting like nothing mattered to you!" I exclaimed.
Suddenly my eyes become teary, I raise my face up staring at the sky trying to stop the tears from coming out. Why does it hurt?
"Stay away from me, you don't understand or know what you want and I'm neither Barbie caked face or Blondie!" I screamed walking off.
Believing that I have succeeded in leaving, an arm snakes around my waist from behind. I gaps but relax after realising who it was.
"I don't know what I want Liliana, I really don't know but one thing I know is..." He trailed off
"Just forget it, " I suddenly had the urge to tell him how I felt but I just couldn't. Why was it so hard?
"You were right Ric, we should stay away from each other." I tell him facing the other direction.
"What?!" He was surprised walking closer to me this time.
I raise my hand up telling him to halt, I need to get over all of this and know my direction and all he has been doing is confusing me!
"Lil..." I cut him off.
"Just shut up!" I tell him trying my best to keep my voice at bay.
"You don't understand what I'm going through and that's because you have no idea what you want for yourself, and while you are still trying to find that out, you are hurting others! It ....it hurts Ricardo," I tell him, placing my hand on my chest.
"But you won't understand," I said with a low voice.
********************************
It's been four days now since I stopped talking to Ric. It wasn't easy at all although he tried talking to me. He doesn't know what I was going through.
It hurts because I think more of him and all he does is kiss me and go back to friend zoning me! Like what am I? A robot without feelings or an object.
It's new years Eve and as everyone knows, no one sleeps, celebration here and there, neon lights and stuff.
"Just talk to him already, lily," Crystal tells me, dumping her clothes on me. I've been at her house since morning and we've been binge watching different American tv series.
"You don't get me..." She cuts me off.
"I get you Liliana, the fact is he is confused and if you don't let him know how you feel he might never know," she tells me with a sighing face palming her face.
"How come you haven't confessed to Richard you were the girl he slept with the night he was drunk," I retorted.
She shakes her head, "there you go again, comparing you and I. Ricardo likes you and I don't know i'd tell your dumb fake boyfriend likes me!" She huff exasperatedly.
"Liliana, it's a new generation, ladies confess to men these days, not all men are man enough!" She explains raking her hair with her fingers.
"But he is man enough to demand sex from Barbie caked face and Blondie talley!" I exclaim and she laughs.
"We are going to a new decade by twelve, no grudges bitch, give a guy some heads and maybe you'd think straight." She winks going back to ransacking her closet.
********************************
(Loud music playing)
Here I was again, in another party listening to different song and looking at the dancing bodies of people.
It's half an hour to twelve, they say life isn't fair, and the same people also said life is fair, you create your path.
Life is math, solve it! I wonder if one can solve the riddle of life. I just wish I never got into this complicated mess. Heart ache over a friend zoning relationship or what?!
I see Richard finding his way towards me and I hurriedly leave the place trying to get away from him. I've been doing that since four days ago. This is a complicated mess. I bump into a figure after believing I've escaped from Richard.
"I'm so sorry," I told the person.
"Why have you been avoiding me?" That voice! And here goes my shameless heart beating erratically.
I look up to see the face, that gorgeous face. I can't be thinking of that now!
"I said..." He cuts me off.
"No, now you will listen, I listened that day and now it's my turn," he says, pulling me with him off to a balcony.
"Ric....." He cuts me off again. "No Liliana! I will speak and you will listen."
He clears his throat, "you say i don't understand anything and I don't know what I want?!" He scoffs. "But guess what, you are the one confused!"
"You want me to date Richard and what kind of friend would I be stealing my best friend's girl? Have you ever thought of that? And what made you accept to be his girlfriend when you know you solely like another!"
"Guess what, i just left and in less than a week you are dating my friend, his parents already met you and you think I was fine! You tell me I don't know what I want! Here it is, I know what I want Liliana!" he yells.
"And what i want...is you."
Did I just hear wrong?