Chapter 69
They looked at each other for a few more seconds which I was very surprised.
“Where is she? P-p-please, let me know,” I begged to them. I looked at them and held their hand tightly. "P-please, don't deprive me of meeting and seeing her," I added in a pleading tone. If I had to kneel down, I would. I want to meet and see her. I was so anxious to feel her hug.
"S-s-sweetheart," Mommy called me softly but stuttering. The tone of her voice hinted at the nervousness she was feeling.
"Please, Mommy, who is she?"
“Don't be surprised, Shane,” Daddy said, seemingly making me feel nervous.
“W-what? W-who is he, D-d-dad? ”
I took my eyes off them for a moment and walked around. I looked at Driver Gong and Nanny Yuna again. They hold hands and Driver Gong caresses Nanny Yuna's back.
What's wrong with them? Are they in relationship?
I immediately took my eyes off them and turned my attention back to Mommy and Daddy. I wait for them to tell me who my real mother is. I can't stand it anymore, I want to see her.
"D-dad, tell me," I begged again. Don't they intend to tell me who my mother is? Will they even tell me that they didn't know her?
I haven't been with her in my whole life. I can't even see what she looks like. I really want to see her and be with her. I was already looking forward to hear her voice and her laughter.
"Mom, Dad, please?"
I will do everything to find out the truth. Even if the sunset catches me pleading with them, I will.
"S-s-she's h-h-here," Mommy stammered, frowning at me.
"Where?" I asked.
If she was just near or even if she was far away, I would still go to her and find her. No matter how far she is, I will go to her. Whether the sea, I will walk, or even the sky, I will fly, just to be with him.
“Where is she, Mommy? I-i-is she out yet? ” I gladly asked and quickly stood up to leave. “She’s already here? Is she outside already? ” I was glad to ask and immediately walked away when they had something to say.
“She's not outside,” Daddy said, so I stopped. Gradually the joy and delight in my chest faded and the smile that drew on my lips earlier was also fading away.
I sighed deeply while not blinking. I stood near the door exiting the living room.
"Sh-she's not out?" I asked so confused.
"She's here," Daddy replied, so I almost laughed in annoyance.
I continued to laugh so annoyed that my tears almost dripped while laughing sarcastically. I firmly wiped the tears that dripped down my cheeks and then laughed again in annoyance.
"I-I don't know if you have any plans to tell me who she is or you're just spinning my brain," I said laughing and took one step and stopped. "I really want to see her, you know that?"
I heard nothing of their response, so I went on to say, “One thing you are depriving me of is to know and see her. You don’t know how much my world collapsed when I found out the truth. Not once, not once did I think you could do that to me.” I laughed as my tears fell again. “You don’t even know how I feel and I felt, Dad, Mom.” I still laughed as I said that even though my laugh was more bitter than coffee beans. “You don’t know that I always feel like I’m missing something. You do not know that I am always looking for it. You don't even know how heavy it is to feel like I live in a huge mansion that I feel like I'm alone.” I stopped and sighed. "I didn't even think that .... you're lying to me," I continued then I rubbed my cheek. I kept my back to them. "Even though I was hurt by what you did, I can't stand it, so I'm hurt because you seem to be depriving me of knowing who my real mother is," my tears flowed again and I almost stopped even though my voice was calm. “Your unfairness to me, so unfair,” I finally said.
I rubbed my cheek again and was about to walk away when I heard what Daddy said.
"We just love you, Peshey. I hope you understand that."
I was speechless at what he said. Don't I understand them? I understand all their faults with me, so I can't even understand myself. I do everything to understand them but I hope they also understand me and how I feel.
I stayed where I was. Things are messing up the mind and I can’t understand myself.
“You made a fool, Dad, Mom,” I whispered to them as I turned around. “You hid the truth from me for... f-for 18 years. ”
I paused for a moment to calm myself. If possible, I'll just leave, so I can't utter a word. I don’t want to hurt them even if they hurt me.
"But, it's okay," I said, laughing a little. "I'll just look for her and even if I scour the whole world, I'll do it."
I took a deep breath. Maybe that's what I should do. If they don't want to tell, if they aren't ready to tell me the truth yet, I'll just make a way to get to know her and find her.
Whoever she is, wherever she is, even if we haven’t met and been together, I will forgive her and welcome her in my life. I haven't been with her for a long time and I want to tell her how much I love her. Even though I haven’t been with her in 18 years, my love for her won’t go away. Hopefully god will guide me to find her.
"Be careful when you return to the States and I will wait for your return again," I said softly then turned to them. Each of their reactions had the same hint, so I tried to smile at them even though I knew I was feeling too heavy.
This is it. I have accepted everything. I felt a little relieved even though only a forced smile drew in my lips.
"I love you so much," I said and my eyebrows furrowed slightly and the smile became even more bitter. "I can't be mad even if you lied to me," I added and fought back my tears. I met their looks which further weakened my weakening feelings. "That hasn't changed, Mom, Dad, that won't change," I continued, making them smile despite the sadness they felt. "... but forgive me if I look for my Mother voluntarily, you will understand me, won't you?" Before I could turn away from them, I forced myself to smile at them again.
I took a deep breath as I turned my back on them. Inhale some strengths and exhale every pains in my heart.
It's time to let go everything and move on. I need to restart my life. I need to be brave to face another challenge soon to come in my life.
I accept everything. I have no choice but to accept the painful truth instead of forcing myself to believe the wrong.
Now, I know that. I realized that it was a blow to me that it was God's gift to test how strong I was. He was testing my resilience and faith in him. It’s all just challenges, so I know I can get through them too. God won't give me many trials that I can't handle, will he? He believes I can surpass everything, so I should too.
The right thing to do is to face the challenge in my life. I can't be a coward but I have to strengthen myself even more. I will lean only on myself apart from my family and above all on God.
I was still standing. I didn't realize that I hadn't walked away yet. I suddenly realized when Mommy called my name.
Even though I didn't look back, I was waiting for what they would say.
"We have something to tell you," said Daddy. I didn't say anything and kept my mouth shut but I waited for what they wanted to say. I would listen and I would understand them.
"You've never been away from your real mother, sweetheart," Mommy said, so I frowned slightly.
What does he mean? What made me never get away from my real mother? Wrong! I have never been with her. I couldn't even see her face, so what did she mean?
"We didn't deprive you of her," Daddy insisted, making my brain run even more confused.
I'm confused, what are they saying? Why haven’t they straightened out whatever they want to convey?
"You got along better with her than with your Mommy and me," he added.
"W-w-who is she?"
“She’s your Nanny Yuna, Sweetheart. She is your real mother.”
What?!
My mouth seemed to be sewn up and my eyes seemed unable to blink. I feel my tears welling up again and my chest tightens. My body was shaking and I couldn’t move any part of my body but I felt my tears flowing again which I couldn’t stop.
Is what I heard correct? Am I not just dreaming? Maybe they're not joking, are they? Maybe they're not lying again, are they?
I no longer knew what to do! My chest is getting tighter. I couldn’t stop and I couldn’t stop, so heavy that it almost swept me into the depths of the ocean.
And I suddenly sat down at the same time as I was sobbing. My tears flowed incessantly like a waterfall flowing down my face down to the floor.
Why did they just now tell me the truth? Why just now?