Chapter 61
Bria Faith Point Of View
What are these things I said to Pershey? Why can’t I keep my mouth shut from speaking? Why did I tell her? Why didn’t I think that she might force me and that she might find out the truth? Mama would get mad at me if I accidentally told Pershey the truth.
What am I going to do? I feel sorry for Pershey but I don't want Mam and Papa to be angry with me.
"Bria, what do I need to know?" her voice was cold as if it is made of ice. She almost begged to me but how could I tell her about the truth? I also don't want Pershey to be angry with Mama and Papa. I didn't want to hurt her when I said that, but I also hurt her because I lied to her. It hurts me because I can't calm myself down and I can't do the right thing.
I don't want anyone to get hurt even if I'm hurt. I don't want to lead Mama and Papa but what about me? How is Pershey? What about her?— my half-sister?
"Bria, please," she begged. I averted my gaze to other things just to avoid her puffy eyes. Tears welled up in my eyes every time I looked into her eyes. I don't want to cry anymore! I was tired of crying.
I stood up without looking at her. Her eyes followed me. I tried to avoid her until she held my arm. I could do nothing but turn a blind eye. I can’t bear for her to be sad. I don't want her to be sad tonight. Tonight is her birthday, so she should be happy and I don't want to be the cause of her sadness. As much as I could avoid answering her questions, I would. Even though it is painful and hard to do, I will still do it.
She's just my half-sister but I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I don't know why I feel so hurt tonight. I don't know why there is a heavy thing in my chest. She's not my real sister but she's my half-sister and why do I have to feeling this way?
Do I love her? Do I love my half-sister though I know that she doesn't love me as her sister because she doesn't know that I am her sister. So why as if there is a blade slicing my heart? Why it is hurt?
"Bria," she called to me coldly. I stiffened, so that my tears would not flow again. My eyes are tired and sore. I don't want to cry anymore!
"Just let me go, P-pershey," I ordered almost to make me cry, so I looked up as tears flowed down my face.
I could still see even the dark sky. It feels as dark as I feel now. I can't even see a star or a moon.
As I commanded, she let me go. I remained standing and did not look at her. If I looked at her, I would only cry and cry more. I couldn't control my emotions. I feel so heavy.
I noticed that she was silent for a few minutes but I felt that she was still behind me. I also stood for a few minutes and my tears seemed to recede.
Maybe she won't force me anymore. I know she just thinks I'm just drunk. I'm not drunk yet. I just need to pass on alcohol the weight I feel. Somehow, at least a little less reduced the heavy burden of my chest.
"I thought ..." she said. I still didn’t look back to see what she was doing or what she looked like. I just kept my back to her. "I thought it was so much fun tonight because I could feel the fun contrary to what I felt before," she continued. Even though I turned my back and didn't even look, I was listening to what she was saying. I regret what I said to her. I shouldn't have told her those. I didn't want to, but it came out of my mouth on purpose. "... but now ..." I tried my best not to look back at her but I suddenly turned to her. I hate myself for seeing her like that. It’s my fault why so much sadness draws on her face. Her eyes full of joy, now seem to have disappeared. It's all my fault! I hate myself. I'm so selfish! I just think how I feel! I didn’t think Pershey might even hurt the people around me. I’m just thinking about how I feel myself! I hate myself that I was able to fuck her!
I hate you, Bria!
"... my heart seems to be pounding little by little," she sadly said then she looked at me. I didn’t expect her tears to drip into her eyes as she stared at me and didn’t even blink.
I feel guilty! What have I done! What kind of sister am I to her? I'm her sister but I managed to make her cry! I hate myself! I am so immature! I am so selfish!
"... I feel like now, I'm alone in the dark and I have nothing to cling to."
What she said almost broke my heart, so I took my eyes off her. Maybe if I looked at her again, my tears might flow again.
Only now have I seen her cry.
I just now saw her eyes with tears and the most I hate is I was the cause of her tears. I am not drunk yet and I know everything I told her. I was in good spirits and I knew everything I told her.
I hate those words I said to her. I hurt her and I felt that when I told her that I hate her. I hate her but I hate myself more. I hate being Bria Faith! I hate myself that even the smallest thing, I feel is overwhelming and big deal to me.
I am not matured yet? I shouldn’t be thinking about how I feel. I have to think about how the people around me will feel.
"... I always feel something wrong," she added while staring at me, direct to my eyes. "Why do I feel like ... I'm missing so many things?" she asked and her tears fell down on her face. I looked at something else when she burst into tears. I feel like my tears are about to drip again. My eyes hurt. “Bria, please, what do I have to know?” she begged and begged.
I suddenly looked at her and our eyes met. I felt sorry for her and for how she felt. I should have told her the truth then. If we had just grown up together, we would probably have gotten along so well. Maybe if she hadn’t separated from me, maybe I could have felt that I loved her so much and I could have made her feel that I love her and I am always here for her.
“You have a good heart,” I said. She firmly rubbed the cheek that was wet with her own tears. I feel like she's brave herself and she's really a brave woman. She was different and she was different from the women I met. She's more than brave than me. She's different and kind, she has a good heart, and she don't deserve this. She's too good to feel this way. She's too good to be in pain.
"You don't know how I feel, Bria," she said. "You don't know what's in my chest."
"You also don't know how heavy I feel, Pershey."
“You have no idea what is happening to me. You have no idea about me. You know nothing about me— ”
“You are wrong,” I immediately insisted. "You know nothing about yourself."
She almost chuckled at what I said. I know, she won't really believe me because she doesn't know me very well yet, but she, I've known her very well since then and especially her whole personality. She did not know that her life was full of lies. She didn’t know that some people around her had a secret that she didn’t know.
I have no idea why they even have to hide the truth from Pershey. I know Pershey will understand them but why don't they tell Pershey the truth? Are they hiding anything else?
"You know nothing about me," she laughed while saying those and if she knew the truth, grief would replace her joy.
I really want to tell her the truth because I can't bear to lie to Pershey. Even though we're not close, I'm still hurt because she's my sister somehow. I'm still hurt because she doesn't know a lot about her personality.
She firmly wiped the tears that dripped down her cheeks along with a sarcastic laugh, saying, "... how dare you for saying that," she laughed. "... that I know nothing about myself," she continued.
“Because you really don’t know who you are, Pershey,” I insisted but she laughed even more.
"You know nothing about me, Bria!" She shouted at me almost widening her eyes. “You don't kno—”
"I know you! I know you very well! ”
I was even shocked by the sudden rise of my voice which also shocked her. I was almost silent when I said those words.
Is this the right time to tell her the truth? Is this the right opportunity? What would happen next? I can't hurt my parents but I can't keep this secret anymore. We all know that there is no secret that cannot be revealed.
How can I tell her? How can I admit when she already knows the truth? What about my parents ... but what about Pershey?
“You are crazy,” she said to me in a serious tone voice, I feel it. "You don't know me," she added.
I shook my head while looking at her.
Forgive me ...
“I don’t want to hurt you,” my mouth spontaneously said.
“You are crazy, Bria,” she laughed in annoyance to me. "You are drunk and out of your mind."
“I’m not drunk, Pershey. I am serious. I know you, you, do you know yourself? ”
Her eyes widened as if she was shocked.
"Who are you to say that in front of me?"
"Who am I?" I asked. She stood up and even pulled out her hair which was a bit messy.
I waited for her to speak but I think she's going to leave.
She started walking away without even answering my question.
"Who are you?" she asked while walking.
Forgive me ....
A few minutes passed by and I am still thinking about what to say when ....
“I am your sister, Pershey,” I said.