"Hi baby," I whisper, kneeling down onto the grass beside his grave. His headstone is a blue marble, the writing on it engraved with black.
Leroy Lockwood.
My hand reaches out, tracing over his name. I'm so numb to my emotions, I don't feel my tears falling anymore. I can't get rid of the heart broken feeling inside my chest. I place Alfie The Bear beside me, facing him towards the grave.
"Look, I bought Alfie." I whisper, smiling through my pain. I readjust myself so I'm sitting cross legged beside him. His grave is tiny, barely the right size compared to the others surrounding him. Taken too soon.
I inhale sharply, trying to remember the words in correct formation.
"I - I just wanted to start by saying, I'm s-sorry." I whisper, squeezing my eyes shut tightly. The wind around me picks up pace, brushing against the exposed skin on my arms. I feel it blowing through my hair, the strands flying around my face. Goosebumps cover my arms and I shiver, the smile on my face disappearing.
I don't want him to see or hear me upset.
"I know I should have been there for you Leroy. I know that now and I'm so sorry. I'd do anything to go back, I just want to rewind my life." I cry, reaching up to wipe away the tears.
I glance up and inspect the several teddies, balloons and cards placed around his headstone.
"You're loved by so many people." I smile, my vision beginning to blur. All I want is one more chance to place my arms around him, cuddle him close into my chest. I want to breathe in his scent, remind myself exactly how the strands of his hair feel brushing through my fingers. I feel like part of me has been ripped away brutally and I'm an empty shell, going through the repetitive motions of everyday life.
"The truth is Leroy," I sniffle, pausing.
"The truth is, we all failed you. Your real mother failed you and so did your father. You were given another chance when you became my brother. You bought so much light and happiness into my life but we all failed you. Me, Mum and Dad. We all failed and for that, I am so so sorry." I sob, my shoulders shaking.
"You were a joy Leroy. A precious gift and I so badly wanted to protect you with my life. If I could trade places with you buddy, I would. Believe me, I would. You had your entire life to live and I'm not ready to say goodbye, I'm really not." I cry, pulling my knees into my chest. I rest my head on them, the tears freely running down my cheeks.
"I've never felt so heartbroken." I whisper. Moments of silence pass and I feel the wind around me pick up pace, becoming stronger. I sniffle and glance up, studying the area around me. I can't shake the feeling that I'm being watched but it doesn't feel negative. I don't feel like I'm in any danger. A small smile stretches across my lips.
"It's okay buddy, you can stay beside me forever if you want." I whisper, taking hold of Alfie The Bear. I clutch him close to my heart -
"How am I going to cope without you Leroy? Please tell me how I'll cope." I whisper, my voice breaking. The wind around me slows back down and the tree's stop swaying so viciously. I sit there for a few moments, alone with my thoughts.
That's when I hear a rustle behind me and I turn to find Tobias stood a few feet away from me. He's wearing a black suit complete with a thin tie. His long hair is gelled backwards neatly and the stubble along his jaw is shorter than usual. When my eyes meet his, he gives me a sad smile.
"Is this your answer?" I mumble, my hand clutching tighter into the fur of the bear. I glance down at it, blinking back the tears until my vision completely clears. When I look back up, I return Tobias' smile with one of my own. For the first time in two weeks, I feel the tiniest glimmer of hope run through my heart. It soothes the aches and pains I'm feeling in my entire body.
"Hi," I say to him, motioning for him to come closer. He doesn't respond but takes a few steps forward, standing beside me. He motions at the spot of grass under him --
"May I?"
I nod my head, moving up slightly. It takes him a few minutes to finally get comfortable on the floor. His large frame doesn't make it easy for him to sit crossed leg.
"This suit isn't really helping things," Tobias mutters, tugging at the material.
"You look really handsome," I comment quietly. He stops fiddling and smiles up at me, brown eyes searching mine. His hand travels across the section of grass between us before he intertwines his fingers with mine. The heat doesn't just warm up my hand but my entire body too.
"And you look beautiful," Tobias murmurs quietly, using his thumb to stroke circular motions over my skin.
"I don't feel beautiful but thank you." I respond, turning back to look at Leroy's headstone.
"He'd be proud of you today." Tobias comments beside me. I can feel my emotions bubbling inside of me at his words and it takes every ounce of willpower I have not to break down again.
"I hope we gave him a good send off." I whispered, leaning against Tobias' shoulder. He places an arm around me, allowing me to rest my head on him.
"I'm sure he loved it." Tobias replies softly, his hand stroking over the strands of my hair. The wind begins to pick up pace around us again and I feel the warmth settle inside my stomach once again. It feels like Leroy's way of answering me and I want to cling onto anything associated with him. A ghost of a smile flickers across my features and part of me knows that he is proud of me.
I cling onto that thought to get me through the rest of the day.
*****
"Pancakes?" Tobias asks me, standing up and holding out his hand for me to take. He pulls me up onto my feet and wraps an arm around my waist, holding me up. I reach down and pick up Alfie The Bear.
I'm not ready to leave him behind too.
"Only if I can get them smothered in cream and strawberries." I smile, looking up at Tobias.
He nods slowly, the corners of his lips twitching up into a soft smile. My eyes fall over his nose, the contours of his cheekbones and down to his lips. I see him breathe in a sharp intake of breath and with his free hand, he brings it up slowly to my face. I close my eyes as his finger brushes over the tear staining my cheek.
"Whenever you want to come back here, day or night. You call me, okay? It doesn't matter what time it is." He murmurs, pressing me close into his body. I rest my head on his chest, breathing in his scent.
"Thank you Tobias," I whisper, my words shaking. I feel the hope inside of me ignite, flickering away. It may be tiny but it's still there, somewhere deep inside of me. I cling onto it as we make our way to his car.
"Anytime Sugar, anytime." Tobias responds, pressing a firm kiss to my forehead. Just as we're about to leave, I glance over my shoulder, taking one last look at his grave. It hurts my heart to leave him alone and I silently pray that he isn't scared. A gust of wind passes us, causing my dress to float away behind me.
I know it sounds silly but it calms my fear down and gives me the strength to walk the last few steps away from him.
"Goodbye Leroy," I whisper, letting my words float away with the wind.