Synn's POV
"Alex, I told you I don't want to go out..." I started whining as Alex started to forcefully pull me out of my dorm because according to him, I barely have time for my "super best friend aka Him".
"What nonsense is that? You've been camping in your dorm for three days now. Vacation leaves should be treated as leaves. It means having fun!" he whined. He was pulling me by the hand and I wanted to kick him in the shin but decided otherwise. I can't get the man injured.
"I want to sleep," I told him and he laughed.
"What? Just because you're single now doesn't mean your sorry ass should stay seated. Let Gold realize what he lost, okay?" He turned towards my direction and gave me a sincere smile.
"Wow, Lex. You could have mellow down a bit you know," I pouted and pretended to feel hurt. The fucker just made a face.
Out of all my friends, Alex is one of the few who knew what happened.
I am strong but I am not that strong not to break down. Plus, I needed an outlet apart from my members, someone who at least knows the two us. He's my friend and he's his friend so bingo.
I actually had to beg Alex so he won't do anything stupid. Alex and I are almost like siblings so it's not new to me how he reacted. Because I knew he cares.
A long sigh escaped his lips before turning towards my direction. He stopped pulling me and a relief sigh escaped my lips.
"Okay, you win," he started before rolling his eyes. "Movie night it is but I get to chose the movie, okay?" he bargained and a huge smile emerging on my lips.
In no time, I was already in the kitchen trying to prepare something we can eat while he set up in the living room.
Alex rarely visits but when he does, we almost just eat or watch movies.
Snow wasn't at home as her friends called her out. It's actually weird because almost all of them went out. Snow didn't really wanna go because she's afraid Gold would come again and visit me.
It's been two weeks since Gold, including his members, kept on appearing outside our dorm. They'd be coming in with lots of food, chocolates, and even anything they can bring from their tour.
However, the moment Snow was able to grab ahold of whatever they bring, she'd close the doors straight to their faces.
I am actually thankful I have my members. At least they make it easier for me to move on.
Everyday, Gold would send me voice messages through different apps. The stupid man had been using his member's phones to try and contact me since I blocked his number.
Every way he can get, he'd try to get close to me. He'd still send me my favorite flowers even after I told him to stop. I wouldn't admit but I like the voice messages he was sending. The flowers, I'd tell my members to have them but when someone's not looking, I'd at least get one flower and hide it in my room.
Hypocrite, that's how I am being right now but let me have my pride at least.
Everything he does now makes me remember how soft he was with me before. Too bad though, because every day, I'd also remember how he was communicating with his ex. And it hurts. It's painful.
I would always remember how he wasn't honest with me. For some, it may not seem that serious but it is to me. I felt like he broke the trust I gave him. He broke me.
But then again I saw them one time while I was on my way to our radio show appointment. I came late because I had a prior commitment.
That's when I saw them which almost crushed me. Seeing them together made my knees so weak.
I was close to crying. In fact, I may have actually cried a little.
I love Gold. I do. Even after all that happened. But I can't let myself be entangled with something that might wreck me in the end. So I decided to let them be.
I was about to get pass through them when I heard Gold almost growling. He was mad.
Stopping on my tracks, I had to do a double-take to check what's really happening. I was nervous.
They were fighting. I didn't catch everything but I clearly heard how Gold was mad to find out Steffy was bothering me.
So he didn't know. That incident made me learn a lot of things.
Okay, he wasn't messaging her often. He saw her once when she was sick and he doesn't love her anymore.
Okay.
But it doesn't erase the fact that I was already hurt and he had broken my trust.
That doesn't change everything. Just because he doesn't love her anymore doesn't mean everything he did was okay.
Steffy, there was something's off about her. It feels like something is wrong and I can't help but feel sorry for the girl. I mean, she may be acting like a bitch but every end has its mean. I wonder what happened to her. And I wonder what made her like this.
With a bowl of chips on my hand, I went back to the living room and found him watching on his own.
I threw a chip straight to his face.
"Fucker, you really can't wait huh?" I grimaced and he just laughed. That's just how he is.
After plopping my body in the empty space near him, we went ahead and watch the movie. He'd occasionally grab his phone and chat someone but I focus my eyes on the movie. I rarely use my phone nowadays.
"Synn..." my attention was taken off from the movie when I heard Alex spoke. I look at him and raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah?"
He was staring at me weirdly and I scoffed. "Spill it. I don't have all the time in the world,"
He chuckled at my words. "Of course, but hey, can I say something?" he sounded wary and that's when I avoided his glance. I know where this is heading.
"I won't talk to him Lex if that's what you want to say. I'm trying to move on and seeing him won't help me. And I thought we were friends?" I rolled my eyes at him and I heard him sigh.
Sure Alex is my friend but he's his friend too.
"You're both hurting..." I heard him whisper.
Right.
My heart started feeling heavy. These past few weeks, I just feel so down. No matter how hard I try to pretend that I am okay, I know I'm not.
I smile even when I'm broken. I pretend to be happy even though I feel like exploding.
The world is unfair. But it won't stop just because you're hurt. That's the reality of life.
My eyes started to moist and my throat started hurting. My breath hitch as I try to stop myself from crying.
But I guess I've been bottling everything up, my tear ducts had betrayed me. Tears started streaming down my cheeks.
I guess I just need to let these all out.
"You don't understand how I feel..." I whispered. I remember all the things Gold had been doing.
"Sure he may be hurting but how about what I feel? Just because he finally realized who he loves doesn't mean I have to forgive him and I can accept him again. It doesn't work like that," my voice cracked as I try to suppress my emotion.
It kills me to feel like this.
Why is love such a hurtful thing? I thought it was supposed to make you feel warm?
"I don't fucking need bouquet of flowers, nor boxes of chocolates. I don't need all of his sorry. I don't need his sweet nothings, or him burning my phone line. I don't need anything right now..." I told him.
My mind is now blank and even the movie playing in front of us is no longer registering to me.
"Synn, I'm sorry..." Alex sympathizes and I sniffed through my tears.
"And you know what? What's even scary is that even after how much I wanted to avoid him and move on, there is still this lingering feeling inside me. That one wrong move, I might find myself falling for his trap all over again and he's gonna wreck me. I fear for my heart, Lex. It's fucking painful here," I pointed on my chest and I'm barely breathing.
I kept on crying and I was already hugging the cushion in front of me.
Alex let me cry. He didn't stop me from letting out all of my emotions. He let me feel the pain.
I cried silently. I cried my heart out. I cried for myself.
And then my eyes caught Alex's phone. Its light was on and I caught Alex's guilty expression. Suddenly, I got so nervous.
I close my eyes and leaned on the couch.
"Fucker," I scowled and I heard him sigh.
"He missed you so much he just wanted to hear your voice Synn. I'm sorry. He was begging on his knees, I can't watch the two of you hurting yourselves..." he reasoned and I didn't speak.
He heard it all... Shit.
"I'm sorry... Fuck I'm so sorry cupcake I didn't know you're hurting this much..." Gold's voice echoed inside the living room. Alex, the fucker, just put his phone on speaker.
And it breaks my heart to hear him cry like that. Why does he keep on crying when he's the one who made the mistake?
My mind remembered the clip of Chase running towards Gold when he realized Gold was crying. It was when he was in London and we just broke up. I know he injured himself and Arika was so adamant in insisting that Gold was crying because of me.
Why?
"If I can take away all those pain... If I can wish to keep all the hurt to just me, I would Synn. I'm sorry I caused this mess. I'm sorry I didn't tell you I got confused. I'm sorry I didn't tell you everything and I'm sorry I broke your trust. I know I don't deserve a second chance with you but please believe that I love you. Don't ever doubt yourself because it was my fault... You may not want to hear me saying sorry but I'd say otherwise because that's how I really feel. This is me Synn. This is me being honest with you..."
Unlike the past few days when I just block my ears with just the sound of his voice, this time, I let him speak.
I listened, something I failed to do before.
I listened to what he has to say. I listened to him pouring his heart out.
The two of us, we didn't love each other right. I turned away. I was afraid.
Gold... I wanted to call his name but I stopped myself.
I missed him. I do that it hurts that all I can do is listen to him like this.
Will you wait for me? Will you wait until I'm ready? I wanted to tell him but I didn't. It would be a hypocrite of me to say I don't love him anymore because I do. But I'm so afraid to get hurt again.
I'm fucking afraid.