Flickering neon lights, bawling men, loud music and a mixture of the smell of cigarettes and beer... that was what surrounded me every night in this club...
All in, all out
"And where are you two from?" I tried to start a conversation with the strangers, but apparently I had become uninteresting to the stranger, because only Howard was hooked on me.
"I've always lived here, but I never went to this bar because of my wife ... ex-wife ..." said Baerchen, looking sadly into his half-empty glass of beer.
I always gave nicknames to men I knew I would see more of. That way I never had to remember their real names and somehow kept the whole thing at a distance.
"And you?" I then addressed Silence, who earned his nickname by only ever staring at me in silence. I certainly could have given it a name that reflected its perfection, but that would have felt kind of desperate.
Just glancing at me, his eyes darting almost too quickly over my body, Howard suddenly jumped up and pulled out his cell phone, which made me eye him questioningly.
"I will ask Käthe for forgiveness," he slurred and then drank his beer on Ex, half of which ended up in his full beard.
I had witnessed such acts of desperation many times, for there were many Howards here at night who, after a few beers, regretted everything that had happened in the past and wanted to go back to their loving mistress.
Besides them, there were the guys who just wanted to have fun and the kind of guys who didn't get much attention from women on the street, which drew my attention back to Silence.
I stared at him thoughtfully, noticing his much too calm breathing and also that he hardly moved while he was just staring at nothing, lost in thought. The white shirt was almost tight on his well-trained chest and otherwise he looked elegant at the same time, but also absolutely masculine, which upset me a little and once again raised the question of what he was doing here at all.
When he suddenly met my gaze, I immediately avoided him and took a sip of my orange juice out of sheer nervousness.
"Why do you work here?" he suddenly asked out of nowhere and it even sounded a bit reproachful, but I didn't let that irritate me.
"Because I enjoy it," I replied nonchalantly, but his face showed no reaction at all as he leaned forward and met my eyes so deeply that I held my breath, mesmerized.
He had a magical effect on me with his intense gaze, although I would never admit it, but it surrounded him like a transparent veil...
"Lüge."
Very quietly he formed this word with his lips that blew through my mind all the louder. How dare he judge me like that, judge me like that, when he didn't even know me?!
I didn't show my insecurity and just raised an eyebrow provocatively without avoiding his gaze for even a second.
"So you think I need to lie?" I retorted confidently, to which he only gave a fleeting smile and leaned back again.
"You hide behind your wild curls, your china doll eyes and your self-confidence and even if the men here think that you like to amuse them, I still see dreams in your eyes that have not yet been fulfilled. You don't need anything from me pretend love. I know you."
Without saying anything to him, I got up and wanted to leave immediately. I've never felt so embarrassed since I've worked here, fortunately men here are only interested in my appearance, which I much prefer to this kind of conversation.
"And now you're fleeing to avoid facing the truth," I heard him behind me and turned to him again.
"What truth?" I asked angrily, standing so close to him that he had to look up at me.
"That you deserve better."
My eyes fell to the ground and after listening to the music and taking a deep breath, I looked for his eyes examining me again.
"You have no idea, Silence," I smiled away my pain, then finally turned my back on him to hide my rising tears.
I ran down the stairs, glanced at the stage, which didn't seem to be dancing at the moment, and almost ran past Josh to our dressing room.
When I closed the door behind me, the first tears flowed and I cursed him for making me feel like that.
I chose to come and work here precisely for the reasons that I was left alone. Fucking was thoughtless, as was dancing, and while others certainly disgusted shagging strangers, I hated exposing my soul like that.
Lie...
deserves better...
Dreams in the eyes...
Porcelain dolls look...
Worst of all, he was right and that's what hurt me so much.
I had dreams once, but that was a long time ago and after what I did I hardly believed I deserved anything better than to be used.
Wiping my tears away, I walked to the mirror, put on some fresh make-up and just let the past be the past.
Silence certainly wouldn't come here too often and if it did, I'd just call in sick for that time.
It was that easy...
"Love?"
My gaze fell to the door and I immediately put on my smile and walked over to her.
"Alles okay? Du hast so-"
"It's fine," I said kindly to Josh and gave him a grateful kiss on his cheek that made him smile.
He was really always there for me, which seemed nice and selfless, but I think he hoped for more and more than a casual working relationship, I wasn't able.
Just because I was walking a tightrope above Hell didn't mean I had to let anyone join me...
"Is the man from the VIP area gone?"
I looked questioningly at Josh, who to my relief immediately nodded and only then did I follow him back to the bar and sit down on one of the empty stools.
"Esteban," Josh said suddenly, placing an orange juice on the black counter in front of me. "That's the man's name."
"How do you know that?" I wanted to know immediately, because Josh hasn't worked here as long as I have. How did he know him if I had never seen him?
"Because he's Pablo's brother and the two of them often play poker here when you women have already left."
Pablo's brother? ... somehow made no sense. Then why hadn't he introduced him as his relative, but as an old friend?
I realized at that moment how much thought I was wasting on him and shook it all off to pick out a man for the evening who seemed sober enough to pay me money but too drunk to be able to have sex.
My gaze fell over the busy tables and then got stuck on an older gentleman who was sitting at the back alone and staring at his beer glass forlornly.
"He could use a little encouragement," I smiled briefly at Josh, who just nodded sadly as usual. my poor puppy
In love with the wrong woman... but I couldn't change that...
I walked up to this lonely man in my police uniform, tossing my curls over my shoulders and when he looked over at me I gave a seductive wink which made this man smile instantly.
"Meins!"
All of a sudden and totally unexpected, a guy walked up to me and just wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tight to his chest while he started sniffing my curls.
"What are you doing?" I hissed, trying to break free of his grip, but he only pulled away to take my face in his hands.
His ice blue eyes darted across my shocked face while I saw the corners of his mouth twitch in delight.
He didn't say a word and for a moment it seemed to me that everything around us no longer existed.
Apparently when he was done staring me so intently, he ran his hand through his messy brown hair excitedly, then grabbed my hand.
"My mate," he said proudly, showing a beaming smile, which made me snatch my hand from him immediately.
"Are you drunk?!" I snapped at him, completely taken by surprise, and was about to turn around when I slammed into a hard chest.
"Sorry," I just mumbled and wanted to continue, but then I glanced up into his face and recognized Silence, or rather Esteban, who was staring at the other guy behind me angrily.
"Esteban," the stranger growled, causing him to tense even more.
"Reahlyn!" Esteban growled, too, and I felt completely out of place.
"Yes, and my name is Love. Now that that's settled, I'll go."
I was about to put one foot in front of the other when they both said "No!" at the same time, causing me to look back and forth between them in irritation.
"What are you doing here?" asked the brown-haired Reahlyn Esteban, but Esteban started with a counter-question.
"The question is what are you doing here!?"
Men ...
I rolled my eyes, glancing at Josh and gave him my secret sign, which I always showed him when I felt harassed by a man.
I gently tucked my hair behind my left ear, then tapped my hand twice and my little Josh started walking.
"Is there a problem here?" my pup asked them both, but it seemed like they were mentally tearing themselves apart while looking deep into each other's eyes.
Perfect timing to make the bend.
I followed Josh to the counter and looked around curiously to see if I could see Pedro anywhere.
Yes, one of them was his brother, but if they continued to prevent me from finding a client, I certainly wouldn't be able to pay my rent this month and I certainly didn't want to risk that.
"Bloody jerks," I mumbled angrily, then looked at Josh, who still seemed to be watching the two behind me intently.
Even his gaze was becoming almost apathetic now, but he quickly turned back to me as I carefully placed my hand over his.
"I'm going home right away. It's definitely not going to happen today," I said to him and suddenly felt a hand on my back.
"Love, right?", the older gentleman addressed me, to whom I just wanted to go before the two idiots got in my way.
"Right," I smiled sweetly and immediately I fell fully into my role and blocked out everything else.
I listened to him talk while he kept ordering new drinks for us and every so often I let my hand stroke his arm very gently, which always made him smile.
This man was my jackpot. The watch on his wrist only gave an idea of how wealthy he was, and men like that always paid well.
"Shall we go to your place?" was the last thing I asked at the counter and after he nodded to me I told Josh to get my red coat from the straight robe.
As soon as he got back, he handed me the coat, but the older gentleman took it to help me into it, very gentlemanly.
"See you tomorrow," I said goodbye to Josh and then looked over to where Esteban and Reahlyn were just a moment ago, but they weren't there anymore.