I sat on the cold asphalt for quite a while, listening to Willy talk to others and pass on his wisdom, until unfortunately it got darker and later and All In with all its demons was already waiting for me.
"Never forget who you are and above all don't forget what you can be capable of", Willy said with a serious expression and after I had kissed him on the cheek as usual, I ran the usual way into my personal purgatory.
I unconsciously slowed down with every step, as if my feet knew better than I did.
I would have preferred not to have met either Reahlyn or Esteban because where before I could just go about my work like a robot, now I couldn't do it so easily. Suddenly there were hopes where none should have been. There was the longing to be held all night and at the same time the need to relinquish all control.
"Stop it!" I shook my head angrily at myself and then arrived before the all-in, where I saw Josh standing in front of the door.
He was pacing nervously and when he saw me, he immediately came up to me.
"Gosh, Love," he blurted out loudly, and I couldn't react at all as quickly as he pulled me into his arms. "I was so worried!"
He took my face in his hands, looked me in the eye and I was completely overwhelmed by it.
I gently pulled my face out of his hands and looked at him questioningly.
"Why? What's the matter?" I wanted to know and he immediately ran his hands through his dark blonde hair, and I noticed how overwhelmed he seemed at that moment.
"Don't you know? Ronald was found dead! I thought... I was of the opinion... I'm just so glad that you're doing well," he said relieved and wanted to hug me again, but I gave up Step back and look at him seriously. The whole thing was really getting to be too much for me, even if he was just worried, it was certainly not his job to save me.
"Josh, you need to slow down," I said quietly, but firmly, and I immediately recognized the great desperation in his warm eyes. "I've always taken care of myself and I'm still quite good at it today," I added, but apparently my statement was completely incomprehensible to him.
"Why are you only like that to me? I'm always there for you," he said with a trembling voice and I could have sworn that he had to hold back his tears at that moment.
my poor puppy
"What's going on here again?"
Unfortunately for me, Pablo stepped out of the black double doors together with Esteban and while Pablo lit a cigar and looked at Josh questioningly, Esteban's eyes lay silently on mine. I was about to lose myself again, but luckily my attention was drawn to the other two.
"Nothing," Josh hissed, looking down dejectedly. I was terribly sorry that I was the cause of his pain... That was exactly what I didn't want to do to anyone and yet I managed to do it again.
"Oh kid," Pablo said with an immediately recognizable amusement in his voice, putting his arm around Josh's shoulder while he dragged on his cigar with a dirty grin on his face. "Didn't I make it clear to you what it is. If you want, I'll pay you a little more so that you too can finally have fun in life. It's hard to bear anymore," he laughed briefly and then I pulled out, shocked air as Josh suddenly grabbed the collar of Pablo's black shirt and shoved him a few feet away.
"Fuck me!" he yelled at him, but Pablo just laughed, making the whole scenario even more awkward for Josh.
"Get to work," he said, pointing to the door. "And if you touch me like that again, you can pack your things!"
"I'll grab it now!" Josh replied, but Pablo immediately grabbed his forearm.
"If you don't want your mom pole dancing anytime soon, get on with your work! And if you're really feeling that shitty, you might as well have a round of Love for free. I'll buy you one. "
I opened my mouth in shock at his statement, but no sound came out, although I was screaming inside. The feeling I got from his words was indescribably cold, and I tensed uncomfortably as I watched Josh tear himself away from Pablo to angrily disappear through the door inside.
"Well, if you don't want it, you've got it," Pablo turned to Esteban, who puffed on his cigar. My eyes met his, but I ignored the tingling sensation that came up. Faded out the pictures from this afternoon. Tried to erase the feeling of his hands on me from my mind...but couldn't.
"Or do you want to? I'm in a giving mood today," Pablo laughed and looked at Esteban, who only shook his head silently when he said it.
I couldn't take the feeling of waiting for someone to save me anymore and purposefully ran towards Pablo to smack him, but it was Esteban who suddenly stopped my arm from moving and gave me a warning look.
"Never mind," he whispered, but I snatched my arm from him, tears in my eyes, and then spat at Pablo's feet.
"Don't think because you're in charge of other people that you're a big one. You're just a piece of dirt that eventually ends up alone," I hissed at him and before I finally disappeared through the black double doors, threw I gave Esteban another withering look.
"Assholes," I whispered, then made my way after Josh.
"Josh?" I kept calling desperately as I rushed down the stairs and my first walk led me to the counter, but he wasn't there so I decided to go to storage when unexpectedly someone grabbed my arm and pulled me behind the counter along the narrow corridor to the cloakroom.
"Can't you at least try to stay calm," Esteban said angrily and almost pushed me into the small room, then turned on the light and closed the door.
I could hardly contain my anger at his inaction.
"Leave me alone!" I yelled at him immediately and shoved him against the closed door behind me several times while I started crying harder and harder, thinking I was going to break down at any moment.
Esteban didn't fight back, taking my insults without a word and then, as I began to calm down, put his hands on my hips to push me to the chair behind me.
I dropped helplessly onto the red cushion, took a quick look in the mirror and hated everything about me at the moment.
"Why don't you just leave me alone!", I sobbed with a trembling voice and looked up at him, which finally allowed an emotion in his otherwise so cold, steady gaze.
Pity... Exactly what I didn't want...
"What do you actually expect from me?" he then asked calmly, wiping the tears from my face.
"Nothing more," I replied and turned my gaze to the ground. "And I shot Ronald. So arrest me. It can't get any worse than this anyway," I added in a whisper, and immediately started sobbing miserably again, burying my face in my hands and threatening everything inside me to tear me into an abyss.
"Do you seriously think that I didn't know that it was Reahlyn," he suddenly said and I immediately looked for his eyes and looked at him through my veil of tears, irritated.
"Then why all this? Why did you take me away from him?" I asked in a shaky voice and stood up slowly to face him directly. "Why did you want to come home with me? Why didn't you arrest him straight away? Why-"
"Because I couldn't!" he snapped in a loud voice as anger filled his face and he turned away from me. "I can only imagine why he did it and I wouldn't have hesitated for a second. I also know how happy he can make you. I would never take such an opportunity away from you by arresting him," explained he turned his back to me, sounding more and more desperate.
"But why all this? What's in it for you?", wanted to know and wiped the rest of the tears from my face, which stopped falling out of sheer curiosity.
"Love, you trigger something in me and have been since I first looked you in the eye. There's nothing I can do about it, as much as I want to."
His voice was so clear, but I still couldn't believe what he was saying. Overwhelmed by this situation, I carefully put my hand on his shoulder and wanted to get him to turn around to me, which he did.
His eyes were glassy and yet not a single tear ran out of them.
"I'm not the one for you," he whispered so softly it was barely audible, while his face slowly recovered. "That's why I'll stay away from you from now on."
He turned to the door and just put his hand on the handle when I held his arm again.
"Then why did you give me money for sex? Out of pity?"
He smiled, which didn't quite suit him and just reflected the desperation he was in right now.
"Certainly not out of pity. I thought it would be enough that no man has to touch you for at least a week."
With these words he left the dressing room and in the end so much was said and yet so many unanswered questions were left that I couldn't let it stand.
"Esteban," I called and wanted to follow him, but ran right into Pablo, who just looked at me with a grin.
"Exactly you I was looking for," he said almost beaming with happiness and put his arm around my shoulder to walk with me to his office. "We have something to talk about."