I wake up in Alexi’s bed alone, memories of last night flitting through my head like it was all a dream from another place, another dimension and none of it was real at all.
Alexi made love to me for hours. Not like before, not like anything I ever expected of him. Silent in the darkness of his room, my body surrendered, and he brought me to heights of pleasure over and over.
No rush, no war between us, no pain, no punishment, no being held down or bound. No aggression, dominance or ownership, in fact, we never spoke at all. Just two people locked in getting pleasure from one another and all else faded away to unimportance. Alexi made me feel like he had an ability to be something more and gave me a taste of what it would be like to be loved by someone like him.
Just a glimpse, the fact he can be gentle and considerate and fulfil a need when you don’t even know what it is. He made me feel better, he took my mind elsewhere, and not once did he put me in a position that gave me fear. He responded to my noises and seemed to know exactly how to give me what I craved at every turn and didn’t stop until my body drifted into exhausted sleep.
In the cold light of day however, I realise he was, in fact, securing the silence of his witness. My sense no longer foggy or clouded, my brain able to put things into perspective this morning, see things clearly and I realise I was just stupidly fantasising.
Always a manipulator; always bends his method to suit what he requires. He made love to a woman whom he knows has feelings for him in a bid to make sure her loyalty and heart would keep her mouth shut. He didn’t use fear or threats, this time he used sex and affection on a girl who has been screaming for both. It was the more powerful tool at his fingertips.
Alexi is still the same cold bastard. He lost his power over me where sex was concerned. He knew it when I wouldn’t let him touch me in the club. He just took it back and enabled his right to do to me whatever he wants. He made me weaker and made sure my refusal was less likely because he knows I can’t refuse the possibility of another night like last night. I’ll crave it and hold onto it in the hope of getting another.
He predicted and counted on it.
I am so tired of this game. So tired of everything always having an ulterior motive. I thought I could trust him last night, I thought I was seeing something more in the hopes that maybe there is something inside of him when it comes to me. Now I see it was all a ruse to control me. He was failing before, so he tried a new angle. He knows I am in love with him, it’s obvious. It’s just another weakness to extort, and I am becoming predictably easy at cajoling and playing whenever he sees fit.
When did I become so easy to manipulate and so goddamn basic?