I hold the ice pack to my face and stare at my shaking hands aimlessly. Sat on the couch in the apartment and just trying so hard to process all that just went down.
I jump when the door opens, nervy as hell and Alexi stalks in with Mico, he looks me over with a completely unreadable expression, and they both walk straight past to the kitchen.
I have been sitting up here for an hour or two, no sense of time, no idea what was going on down there and I can’t get my head around anything. He brought me up here, handed me a strong drink and the ice pack then stroked my hair back from my face before leaving me alone. It was surreal, like another Alexi from another place, and then he went back down to take care of the mess he made.
Alexi killed someone, right in front of me, because of me. I don’t even know what to do with that and I have no clue how to feel. I think I’m in severe shock, everything feels surreal and floaty and even though my face is throbbing, I just feel numb. I saw the look on his face at that moment. The unbridled rage and then after, when he was pulling me off the desk the way he closed down and ordered his men to start cleaning it up like all he had done was knock over his coffee.
No emotion, no remorse at all just an empty act of taking someone’s life with no fear of repercussion. This is the real face of Alexi Carrero. This is why he’s the way he is, this is what he was made into and over the years somehow, it was trained out of him to value another human life.
He doesn’t feel sympathy or suffering, how can he when he cannot even muster remorse for murder—it explains a lot.
Then there was the tenderness and the moments of making me feel like he cared that someone tried to take me from him. Multi-layered and complex, and I was left second guessing whether he has the ability to feel emotion like a normal person or not. It was a stark contrast and completely out of place for what was happening around us.
My head is completely tangled over it. I don’t know how to feel about him right now, he’s just devoid of reaction as he stands over there talking to Mico in hushed tones while they pour themselves a drink. Like this is like every other Saturday night for them and nothing of value just went down.
This is his world, this is his normal. Just like being beaten and abused is my normal.
I am in way over my head, but one thing keeps racing through it and I cannot stop repeating it to myself—I just sealed my own fate.
I just witnessed Alexi murder someone, and that means I am bound to him for life. You don’t witness something like that and get to walk away. You leave in a box or not at all. I saw a mafia mob boss end a life with his bare hands and now I am a walking liability. My debt will never end, my freedom will never come, and I will spend my life in his shadow afraid to step out of line forever more.
He can just snap a person’s neck like it was nothing more than a chicken bone and I should have feared him all along. He has had restraint concerning me and I see that now, he’s capable of so much more.
I jump when a cold glass touches my shoulder, almost right out of my seat and drop my ice pack on the floor at my feet. I glance up warily, heart hammering like crazy and see Alexi holding a glass of booze out towards me, something dark with ice, and I take it shakily, carefully and avoiding looking him in the eye.
He stands over me, unmoving and completely calm, and then scoops to pick up the pack and dumps it on the table for me. I
have no bravado in this anymore. I just got well and truly put in my place for all time where he is concerned. I have no doubt they have made that body disappear and the guard will be gone too. Lost in the depths of an organisation that cleans up its discrepancies, and I have no doubt that man will be brutalised until he gives them all the information they need, then what?
Revenge? Reaction?
I don’t want to know how it works. I am so drained and so mentally messed up that I just want to sit here and stare into space. They dared to come into his house and start a war. Alexi won’t leave that alone, it’s not in him to not bite back. If Santagato is at the root then this is the start of a whole bigger thing.
I sense him moving away silently, glad he didn’t try and coax words out of me and allow myself a moment to glance up and look at him, afraid of what I will feel when I do. He and Mico are leaning against the bunker once more, low tones and small looks my way from Mico who looks unsure. It’s not hard to guess what they are talking about and I look away quickly, breathing shallowly.
My heart and stomach sink, the edge of trepidation to what that look is. I swear an icy hand runs through my body as it dawns on me that I just became another mess, and maybe this is the way to tidy up loose ends.