I look down at my drink wondering if he’s the type to let you have one last drink before he takes care of what he needs to take care of and put it on the table impulsively, shivering and wrap my arms around my naked arms in complete fear.
I don’t think I am going to live to see tomorrow and I have nowhere to run. ‘‘Let me know.’’ Alexi’s louder voice startles me out of my trance and I realise Mico is leaving us, Alexi has his eyes on me and I literally cower under his gaze. Mico shutting the door as he goes, making me jump and I blurt it out crazily.
‘’Are you going to kill me?’’ Tears bite my eyes, even though I thought I wouldn’t care about dying downstairs, somehow at Alexi’s hand it seems a lot more horrific and all-consuming. I’m terrified all the way down to my toes and cannot conceal the raw emotion in my voice, visibly recoiling and vibrating all over.
‘‘Why would I go to the effort of saving you if I was planning on doing the same to you? I would have let him take you and saved myself the hassle, clean up isn’t cheap, or easy.’’ I hate the way it all comes out of his mouth as though he’s talking about his weekly chores. Like its normal, nothing, and it’s a minor inconvenience and not the death of a person.
Clean up? Is that what they call the disposing of a body?
Oh, my God. I feel sick.
‘’I saw it, I’m a witness.’’ I shudder again as the images of that man’s face run through my head for the fiftieth time, and Alexi wanders over and leans on the back of his couch with his glass in his hand. Far too smooth.
‘‘Well as long as you have no intentions of running your mouth, then you should be okay.’’ He says it so blankly and I just blink at him.
‘’Who would I tell?’’ It’s an odd response to a weird atmosphere and a stranger reaction from a man who just seems unaffected.
This isn’t really happening.
‘’Then we won’t have an issue, and no one’s going to touch you.’’ He straightens up, downs his drink and then glances my way again, almost an afterthought as he scans my face. Moving to the side unit to lay his glass on a nearby surface.
‘‘Most women would have crumbled by now you know?’’ He even manages to sound a little impressed, his tone husky because he sounds exhausted and I just look at him emptily. Eyes filling with tears and shake my head, if only he could see inside my head and the reality of how much I am falling apart.
My outward persona has always been good at masking it all, but surely in this state, he can see I am far from okay?
‘‘Who says I’m not?’’ I may have been a hooker, a drug pusher and had my life interlaced with back street darkness since forever, but I’ve never seen someone murdered right in front of me before. Especially not by someone who my heart has decided to pin some sort of feelings on. I’m traumatised in my own way.
Alexi says nothing, walks around the couch to me like a sleek panther, regarding me silently as he bends to catch my hand in his gently. I don’t fight his touch, so lost in my own head and free-falling.
The initial feeling of apprehension where he was concerned abated with the long embrace he gave me downstairs. Soothing and bringing me back to Earth. He pulls me up to him, body following without fight, and stands me up, so I’m face to face with him, barely touching he tips my chin up to him slowly and softly. All focus on my eyes and just so dreamlike and not really happening.
He could pull me around like a ragdoll right now, there is nothing in me resisting or making any attempt to control my own limbs. Detached, floating inside my own body and emotionally shell-shocked to the core. I am definitely in shock. I know this feeling well. The numb before the fallout.
‘’I know what you need.’’ He says it softly, mouth hovering near mine as his eyes fix on my own. Looking at me like he just wants to make it all better. I shouldn’t trust it, knowing it’s never true when it comes from him, but I want to. To wake up yesterday and have this day play out completely differently.
‘‘What?’’ It’s so soft, gentle and weak; like I just don’t know who or what to be right now, and I have no fight inside of me. Just a fear that every second might be my last, and I don’t trust what he will do to me.
‘‘Me.’’ Alexi leans in and kisses me, his hand cupping my face as he does so and tugs me against him carefully.
It’s not like any other time he has brought my mouth to his. There’s no aggression, no dominance or pressure. Just a kiss, teasing me open to him and letting my head let loose and drift away. Unexpected tenderness and seduction and I completely fold. Falling into him with a need I didn’t know I was capable of feeling.
I want him to make it all go away and make me feel better. I want to feel safe in the way that only he makes me feel. I don’t fight him, I don’t know what or how to feel and right now I anchor myself to him in a bid to let him take it all out of my head. I don’t want this burden or this memory, so he can have it all back.
Alexi picks me up effortlessly, scooping up my legs without breaking free from kissing me into oblivion. He just keeps holding me to his mouth and secures me snugly against that muscular body, my arms sliding around him and my fingers curl into that short dark hair as though it’s as natural as breathing.
Sex can be a cure when you don’t know what else you need, and as he’s the master of this world I put my trust in him that he knows this is what it is.
He wants to help me for once and I don’t want to question it. He has been here a million times before, knows how it feels, and he knows how to make it go away.
Alexi turns, keeping me held securely, that feeling of safety he gives me overwhelms me just like I wanted as he walks me to his room and carries me inside to block out the past few hours.