I freeze, instead of breaking down. My intense emotion has me maimed. Even makes my mind blunt. I stare at the portraits for a long time, allowing my heart to bleed inside. I don’t know anymore if I could still help him overcome his past without breaking myself because the painful truth is right before my eyes. There will never be any ‘us.” And I will never have a place in his heart.
“She’s beautiful,” I say, but I avoided his eyes.
“Look at me,” Zed says, turning me around. Tears suddenly make their way into my face, even if I hold my breathing.
I push him away, then hurry out to the door. But before I slip out, a pair of strong arms wrap around my waist.
“Why are you crying?” he asks. My heartbeats quicken at his question.
“I miss James. He also hired artists to paint me.”
Zed freezes, a sense of frustration painting his face. I can’t let him know I’m crying because of him. He was clear from the start – that he wants no other woman aside from Yen – but I was too confident I could help him forget him with no emotion attached.
Zed wipes my tears away with his fingers, but my tears flow endlessly. He pulls me to a tight hug, comforting me with a rub on my back.
“I wish I can help, Ella,” he whispers softly in my ears.
My shoulders move as I break into a sob at the thought that Zed can never see right through my eyes. If only he had me in his heart, he would have felt my emotion.
Zed releases me after a while, but he lifts my chin and stares at my lips. I see both his desire and reluctance. So, before he can think twice, I grab his head and claim his lips. He kisses me back until a fire of desire sets our emotions ablaze.
“Why do you kiss me, Ella?” he pauses to ask me, but he lowers his mouth again, trailing kisses on my neck.
“It helps me forget,” I reply.
He stops, but I place my fingers on the hook of his jeans. He doesn’t move, so I proceed to unzip his pants. When I move it down together with his undies, he grabs my face and starts claiming my lips again. I rejoice inwardly when his manhood springs back to life.
The kiss deepens like we are in a contest of who devours better than the other. And how can I allow myself to be a loser when the man before me is as gorgeous as hell, towering above me like a mystical being?
“I want you, Zed. Right now,” I finally beg when I feel he’ll never progress from pleasuring me with his fingers and mouth.
“Tell me it’s me you want now and not James,” he whispers.
“It has always been you, Zed,” I say, holding my breath as he rolls my nub while claiming my mouth. “Always.”
He shifts into a comfortable position between my legs and a moan escapes my lips as he thrusts inside me. I throw my arms around his neck, grabbing him for a kiss as he comes in and out of me.
“Tell me also that it’s me you see and not her,” I murmured inside his mouth.
That’s enough for him to let out a peal of soft laughter. “I’m not blind, Ella. I see how beautiful you are.”
“Thank you. At least, we see each other in moments like these.”
Zed pumps harder until I feel him twitching deep inside, just as waves of pleasure rocked my body forward. Listening to my demand this time, he drops himself beside me, cuddling me in his arms.
“Where do you plan to put the paintings? Here?” I ask. I’m already basking in our post-coital bliss, equipping me with the nerve to raise the question.
Zed doesn’t answer, but I feel him kissing my hair.
“Is she the reason why you don’t want me inside this room?”
A pang of pain hits me again. And it’s like thrusting myself with my own sword in seppuku. Zed doesn’t allow me in his room, nor sleeps beside me when he comes home from training. He only sneaks into my room at around five, warming me up for early morning sex. Little does he know that I can’t put myself to sleep without making sure he has come home.
“What kind of nonsense is that?”
“I’m not stupid, Zed.”
“I’m just giving you privacy. Because it’s often at night when I hear you talking to someone about James. I don’t want to hear you doing phone sex beside me.”
I don’t know if he’s serious or just making stories. But his statement makes me laugh.
“Silly.”
“How is he?”
“Still not allowing me to visit him. But let’s see if he knows he’s going to be a father.”
I turn to look at his reaction. The truth is I don’t want to see James anymore. But my heart breaks when I see no trace of jealousy in his eyes.
“He’s going to change his mind especially when he sees you are pregnant with his child. If you want any help, please tell me. I have some connections in Japan whom we can perhaps ask for assistance.”
Damn him! Why does he have to push me away? James had even refused to add me to the guest list because he wanted to set me free. But here comes Zed, pushing me towards him.
“You’re so kind. Thank you,” is all I could say. I turn to my side to hide my tears.
“Your happiness is mine, Ella.”
I pull the sheets up to my chin, pretending to sleep. It’s still past lunchtime, so I expect him to go to his shops later. But after a while, I feel him tugging the sheet out of me. Just when I think he’s going to make love with me again, I feel a lukewarm towel brushing against my genitals. He’s cleaning me again -- one thing I always like about him. He always gives me dignity afterward, even if it's always me who initiates the sex.
Perhaps, it’s my pregnancy that always makes me sleepy. Because I’m lulled to sleep at the comfort of having someone rubbing my entire body with hot packs.
When I wake up later, I am already alone. I look for the paintings right away, expecting them to hang by the walls already. But the room still looks the same, except for the wall frames that are now gone from where I last see them.
I step out of the bed and make my way toward the bathroom to take a quick shower. When I am about to pick up a bottle of shampoo, I notice that all the toiletries are new and still wrapped with plastics. Thinking it’s a waste to open a new one when I still have unconsumed bottles in my bathroom, I look for Zed’s towel. I can’t walk back to my room naked even if there are only two of us in the house. However, there’s none. And as I scan my eyes on the glass shelves, I realize Zed’s toiletries are also gone.
I pull out a fresh towel and wrap myself in it before heading back to my room. And as I open the door, my eyes fall instantly on the bedside table on the other side of the bed. It was not there when I left this room. I hurry inside and pull out the drawer, only to find Zed’s things inside.
The sheets are also new. It’s no longer the girly sheets I ordered online, but one that has masculine shades. And so are the curtains that match the sheets. They’re darker than the pastel ones I used to hang.
On the wall across the bed, a new wall frame hangs. What pops my eyes out is the photo inside. It’s Zed and me on the bed, lying half-naked. We’re covered with a white sheet from our hips, down to our legs, showing my feet anchoring on top of his. Although he’s hugging me in the photo, a portion of my breasts still shows. His lips are on my ear, suggesting that we’re having sex.
“Eww,” I exclaim, smiling. I feel so elated! But Zed should not know what I feel right now. Nothing makes me feel wonderful than him claiming me as his own. This photograph is more than enough; I could not ask for more.
Instinct has me sauntering towards the closet. I open the door and my mouth hangs open when I confirm my suspicion. His suits hang on one line next to mine. On the lower compartments are his shirts and casual clothes.
“Time for snacks, sleepyhead,” Zed’s voice has me jumping in place. I turn around and see him standing by the doorway, a warm smile settling around his mouth.
“Why are your things here?”
“You don’t like it?” he asks back, walking towards me.
“It’s not that.”
He chuckles and drapes his arm around my waist. “It’s because you promised in your sleep that you won’t have phone sex with James when I’m around.”
“Silly.”
“If you don’t like to share a room with me, it’s alright.” His hot breath fanning over my skin makes my skin tingle. I want him inside me again.
“It’s fine but no fantasizing Yen when you’re inside me.”
He presses his lips on my nape then down to my shoulder blades, ignoring my comment.
“What are you doing?” I ask, giggling.
“Doing a sealing ritual.”
“Sealing ritual?”
“To seal our room with a love ritual. Isn’t tonight our first official night as roommates?”
“Do you love me already, Zed?” I giggle, teasing him. It’s hard to expect anything from him, but I’m already happy with this progress.
“Come,” he says, holding my hand.
He then leads me to the door leading to the terrace. My eyes fly wide when I see a bouquet of red roses on top of a coffee table. The scent of the candle wafts through my nose, making me feel lovestruck!
“I’m not good at describing feelings, Ella. And I don’t want to say things I can’t keep. But this is what my heart dictates.”
Drops of tears escape from my eyes. “But what about Yen?”
“You promised to help me forget.”
“Right.” How can I complain? “What about her paintings?”
“From now on, Yen’s name is taboo in this house.”
“Yen’s name only? What about James?”
“I’m giving you the freedom, Ella. As long as you don’t do phone sex beside me.”
I laugh at his trending words. But Zed hasn’t any idea how my heart is jumping at this moment.
“One step at a time, Ella,” I tell myself.