Sometimes, I feel the need to disappear without notice to know who my people are. I want to learn who to keep. I want to identify who really cares when I'm gone.
But I'm afraid that there's really no one finding me. I'm afraid that I can't manage my expectations and get hurt in the end.
It's not that I don't trust the people around me. But there were times that I wish people could just utter their eulogies before death arrives. So in that way, I'd be able to hear them. I'd be able to hear the truth from them.
I couldn't feel anything besides being tired. I don’t know where I’m tired. I don’t know what caused me to be tired. The only thing in my mind is the urge to rest for a long time. I feel like I'm lost in a place where everyone knows me.
I felt even heavier when Leon finally dropped me at the villa. I don't know but I feel like I don't want to go home first.
"Are you alright? What happened inside?" He asked me again.
For the second time, I shook my head. I don't know who should I trust anymore. I'm lost.
"It's nothing. Thanks for coming with me," I lazily replied to him and turned my back on him.
I never heard him speak again. I just walked straight until I reached the door. I stared at it for a moment before I finally opened it. My heart is getting heavy the more I realized that I'm finally here — this place called 'home' but lately, I couldn't feel it anymore.
"Where is Amari?" I asked Emerald when I found her in the kitchen cooking. This is the only caretaker here in Hector's house and also helps me with Amari.
"Ma'am, you're already there. She’s upstairs with Sir Apollo," she replied. I simply nodded at her.
"Can you get all of Amari's belongings down here? Just put them in a big bag," I ordered her. She quickly turned to me as if surprised by what I had said.
"Ma’am?"
"I'll wait, a. Thank you, Emerald," I said and left.
My feet are heavy as I step up the stairs. As I got closer and closer to our room, my chest got heavier and I couldn't breathe properly anymore. When I entered the room, the quiet room was exposed to me. I went straight to the closet there and quickly took my suitcase and put away my belongings one by one.
"Solei?”
I was automatically stunned when I heard that from outside. It was Hector. I could feel the pain in my throat as if something big was stuck there. I no longer knew what to do. I can't even think straight anymore.
"Emerald told me that you're putting away all of Amari's belongings. What's going on—"
He could no longer continue what he was going to say when I opened up to him and what I was doing. When I looked up at him, I immediately looked away when I saw his confused expression.
"What's happening? Are we going somewhere?" He asked and the next thing I felt was him approaching me.
My muscles trembled when I felt his gentle touch on my hand. I seemed to get burned suddenly in his hand so I quickly removed his hold on me. I can not talk...
"What's wrong? Are we going somewhere? Why didn't you tell me right away—"
"We're just leaving without you." I cut him off from what he was going to say and moved away from him a little and then continued what I was doing.
When I finished putting all my clothes in the suitcase, I came out of the closet room. I felt him follow me.
“What? Why? What's happening? Where are you going?" He asked again. The confusion in his voice was obvious.
I bit my lower lip and forced myself to calm down. I ignored what he said and next took my belongings to the vanity mirror that was there. But before I could move, Hector quickly grabbed my hands.
"Stop moving and explain to me what is happening. Where are you going? What happened? Why? Don't you want to live here? Do you have another place you want to live? If that's the case then just tell me wherever it is, and I will buy everything for you," he insisted while trying to calm himself.
"No, Hector. Let me go," I said firmly and tried to get out of his grip which I did immediately.
I turned my back on him and was ready to go out but he quickly got in front of me. At this point, I stared into his eyes. His eyes begin to redden as he squints. The anger that I feel that I have been trying to hide is starting to come to life again. I just can't take this.
For no apparent reason, until now I have not cried.
"I just ... need to think," I said lazily. "I need to think. That's it."
"About what? What's happening? Why are you acting that way? Did I do something? Please, tell me, Solei," he pleaded.
I smiled bitterly. You don't even know what you did. Great.
"Nothing. You didn't do anything," I said and walked away from him again.
I sighed violently because I was so tired that I felt like I didn’t know where it was coming from. I bit my lower lip to prevent my eruption. Gradually I also felt the warmth of the corners of my eyes and I knew for one reason that I was going to erupt like a volcano. Like a bomb just waiting for the right time to explode and get hurt.
"Solei, what's wrong, baby? What's going on? Why do you want to leave suddenly?"
"Let’s end this," I coldly said to him and finally met his gaze.
His forehead furrowed. I stared at him even harder because I was still hoping that he might admit the truth. That he might even tell me the truth so that the pain I feel will be lessened. That I was still hoping for him to tell me the exact truth about what happened that day. Because I just want to believe him for the last time. Because I can believe anything as long as it comes from him.
"What? Why?" He uttered.
But then I realized, if he had any intention of telling me the truth, he would have done it so before.
"I just want to, Hector. I just realized I don't really love you. That's it," I simply told him and turned my back on him.
The moment I turned away, my tears also fell. It was as if the words I had uttered were squeezing and crushing me. It was as if I was being stabbed over and over again.
"You're lying." I heard him say so I cried even more quietly.
"You're fucking lying, Solei. I won't accept that. You're lying," he said and even faced me again.
"What the hell are you saying?!" He screamed so it completely triggered my feelings.
In just a snap, my tears burst like a bomb. Like a time-ticking bomb and it didn't hurt the people around me, but only me. I was the only one affected by the explosion.
Before I left the Aragon Estate, I had never listened to the last thing Lincoln Aragon said. It didn't enter my mind because I felt like I had gotten too much information and my heart couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn’t even handle the truth about Hector and who killed papa, how can there be another truth that I can't escape?
"Tell me what the hell is happening? Why are you even crying when I'm the one who's hurt by what you just said?"
"B-because I can't accept that you can still lie to me despite everything!" I yelled at him as my tears continued to flow.
"I can't accept it, Hector! I trusted you! I believed in you ever since! I believed in you when you told me you were coming back but you didn't come back! I believed in you when you told me about what happened to Ayanna but you still lied to me!" I shouted. I feel like my heart is tearing at every word that comes out of me.
"I-I believed you when you told me ... when you told me about who killed papa ... but ... but ..."
My heart sank. I sobbed again and it echoed throughout the room. I want to get lost! I want to swear and hurt him! This pain is fucking unbearable anymore!
"B-but you still lied ... you lied to me again ... you're the one who shot my father, right?" I asked and caught his eyes.
Terror overtook his face. His eyes twinkled as the tears started to stream down from there.
"S-solei, please ..." He uttered and grabbed my hands quickly. "Baby, please, listen to me first—"
"Answer my question! You shot papa, didn't you? You killed him, didn't you?!" My voice was almost raspy from crying so much.
Hector averted his gaze from me. He bent down and the next thing I saw was the rise and fall of his shoulder.
"I-I’m sorry ..." I heard him utter.
My whole world just stopped. That even though I knew the truth, I still seemed shocked and hurt. That even though I knew the truth, I still seemed to hope that I would hear another answer from him.