Chapter 34: Merrigold.
"Hey Thomas!!"
"...morning..."
"How are you doing today?" I said as enthusiastic as possible. With a sigh, he tied the horse and moved away to the next.
"I said how are you doing today Thomas?" I followed along.
"...fine thank you."
"Star gave birth again.." I tried to make a conversation.
"...as you can see..."
"Mhm...they must be the cutest, may I see them?"
"...I'm working, Merri...you should get back to your own swindle..."
Swindle? Cheating, stealing, blackmailing... the word could mean so many things but it still made me upset. It made me feel unworthy of being in his presence. Everything was tense, it had never been this way... it felt odd not speaking to Thomas about anything or whenever I wished to.
"I see you got some new pair of shoes..." I smiled, sidling behind him as he walked away with a bucket of manure. I followed along eagerly.
"...borrowed from Grover... suppose it's from all the pity..."
"Oh... they're really nice, must be comfy too."
"Yes, Merri they're!" He replied dismissively.
"We have known each other for a long time to simply let what we had go. All because of a pathetic cracker bakra hillbilly...who took advantage of me and killed our baby."
"Did he really take advantage of you all those other times?" Thomas asked turning to walking away with his metal bucket of manure. He took large steps, I ran after him still.
"He did, I could not say anything because he would threaten me with Miriam and James and you and my niece and—"
"You should have told us."
"So that you could get killed?"
"Well since you like to make decisions on your own, continue making decisions on your own.." Again walking to the next horse, I ran after him.
"I made a mistake... you're right I should have told you."
"Yes, you should have but the mess is already done. It hurts to think of you with him... you really did all that you did with him?"
"...never...he raped me..."
"So when you were giggling and wrapping your legs—" he cleared his threat with teary eyes he continued. "...when you were begging him not to pull out, he was raping you huh?..."
I stood stagnant and speechless. "The devil must have cursed me, I was not in my right mind."
"Well you seem to thoroughly enjoy being with him, you should continue. I do not want any more trouble please give me the space, I asked for."
Feeling myself break down, I let out a quiver and an ugly cry. "I could not help it Thomas, I'm really sorry. If I could control myself I could. My body betrayed—"
"Please do not tell me anymore..."
"My heart belongs with you. It always will no matter what happens. Even if you push me away and look at me with disgust. I love you and I always will. He means nothing to me..."
"Merrigold, please give me space.."
"For how long?"
"Just give me time to gather my thoughts."
"Tho—"
"Please..."
"No!"
"Go!"
"But—"
"Go Merri, when I'm ready I will look for you. We both need time to ourselves."
"You promise to come back.."
"..."
"Thomas?"
"Merri, we can never have what we had. As much as I love you and I try to look past it. I'm aching and it's unbearable."
"I love you so much and I apologize for hurting you. I never meant to take it this far."
"With him?"
"With everything. I thought I could remain in his good books and be with you all the while. He would not let me go.."
"And you assume he will let you go now..?"
"...yes..."
Thomas only shook his head.
"Merrigold he will never leave you alone. You and I both know that. Might as well go be with him. Be his sex slave or whatever it is you both were having breakfast together... even I thought that was odd."
"...no I want to be with you..."
"And I want to continue living in peace, I do not want to die. I still have a positive outlook on life. I want no trouble and you bring me trouble Merrigold. You bring me grief and sorrow."
A tear fell, I could not help but feel awful. The words he was throwing at me felt like swords aiming straight for where it hurt the most. Without a word, I turned around spiteful. He promised me to always love me and be there for me... he promised that nothing would ever bring us apart but here he was being a coward and pushing me away. Thomas did not want to fight for me or what we had built all those years. I felt only anger and spite. I needed it, I really needed it. I wanted to forget for a bit. Even if it was for a while, I needed an escape. Marching back into the house, I wiped my tears away... knowing exactly where I was headed, his words rang in my head like a broken record.
'Might as well go be with him..'
He had a habit of reading the morning paper in a towel with a cup of coffee and cigarettes on his bedside. It was still early, without knocking. I opened the door to his quarters and closed the door behind me. Austin looked confused with my actions. I did not hesitate climbing on the bed and straddling him.
'Might as well go be with him..'
Grabbing the paper from him, I threw it across the room and for a brief second, I felt how hard he already was beneath me. I knew I wanted this, I wanted to feel good. I wanted him to make me feel good, he might hurt me but he always knows how to make me feel good.
"Merri no..." he told me, holding both my hands in his and stopping me from kissing him. Overwhelmed by all of them pushing me away, I felt useless... I really have nothing to offer? So I cried...
"Please..."
"Not like this..." he replied in a constraint tone.
"How then?" I grabbed my arms back from his hold, he let go of me. Still straddling him, I clapped him not knowing where I had gotten the strength to do so. My hand hurt after from his locked jaw. "It's only nice when you want to have it but when I want it, it's not.."
Relentlessly beating him wherever I could, before he could get ahold of both my hands leaving his chest sensitive with marks. My tears still continued to fall as I let all my frustrations on him. Finally not having anymore more energy, I broke down on his chest and had a good cry. He held me close as I was still straddled on top of him.
"Please make me forget all this..." I told him, hugging him closer.
"Are you sure?"
Like a scorned child, I nodded. I didn't want to feel this void, I wanted and needed to be with someone and feel worthy and accepted. Not useless and bitterly unwanted. For a while, I cried on his chest, I liked being held this way. Caressing his jaw and soft stubble on it, I kissed my way to his lips. He kissed me back still holding me tight like his life depended on it. For a lot of reasons I continued crying in between our kisses, he felt it, my tear stained cheeks against his. Out of breath, I pulled away slightly... he continued laying soft kisses all over my face... wiping my tears away.
"Please..." I told him, our eyes were at close proximity, I could see my reflection in his. They softened, they showed a tad bit of sympathy, my tears wouldn't stop running. Even with flipping us over and my laying on my back, even with him undressing him, even with his head inbetween my thighs... they still wouldn't stop running. I knew, I was wrong but I did not want to think about it. I just wanted him to fill up the void that I was feeling he did. Like Thomas has mocked me, I giggled with nervousness as he put it in. It reminded me of every moment I had ever spent intwined with him even the forced, beaten and buttered times. His chest, broad and chiseled. He lowered down to find my lips as he gave it to me in the most gentle way he had ever been with me. I hated that this relaxed me and brought me at ease. As his eyes stared straight into mine, I felt it... him slightly opening up and showing me his vulnerable side... with each stroke, I tried to forget everything that made me sad, angry and bothered me to no sleep. With my arms wrapped around his neck, he saw it... all my scars and fresh cuts but did not say a word. I was thankful for his silence, even though I couldn't keep mine. I did not want to think of the consequences or how this affected everyone around us. His gentle touched seemed to erase the rough touch he had once given me before. Shivering with emotions and tears, he kissed me calming me down. Clearing his throat, almost inaudible he whispered... "I'm sorry, I made you this way..."
Coming to a slow shattering feel, I felt my arms loosen around him. Dazed, he stopped his movements and stared at me. I did not want him to pull out, I did not care for his climax either as I pushed him off me. Turning to look at the other side of the bed. Just like that, the bliss was over and I was back in this position again. Regardless he laid next to me and showered my shoulders with kisses. Pulling me close to his chest.
"I love you Merrigold, I know it's very rich coming from me but I love you. I do not even know the meaning of what I'm saying but I know what I feel when I'm with you or when you're not with me. I'm tired of denying it to myself. I love you. I don't know how or when it happened but I know I do. I do not care for circumstances or your hatred for me but I love you."
I did not say a word as I stared blankly at the wall. Seemingly it did not mean anything to me. Like a horrible nightmare, I decided to erase it from my memory as I selfishly got on top of him ready to use him for another second pill of bliss and amnesia. For the second time, it was more aggressive and needy. I came, he came on my bare stomach, my thoughts only started to function later on. I was glad he was in his right mind even though I was clearly not.
"They should be awake by now..." I told him trying to pull away from his embrace. He only pulled me closer. "Let's be selfish just this once... the kids will be fine."
Easily convinced, I laid my hand on his chest as he kissed me numb. His soft lips giving me the feel of fugue and hypomnesia.
"No more..." I told him inbetween the kisses.
"Fine with me." Austin said cuddling me.
'Might as well go be with him.' and this time, I wasn't even sorry or remorseful for it. This time, I did not feel guilty. I felt as though Thomas had pushed me right into the lions den and I quite often enjoyed its company and all that it had to offer to me in times of sorrow and need.