Chapter 24: Merrigold.
"No, Merri you're wrong for this." Thomas scolded me.
"...they're my belongings!"
"We share everything here, we're all family. You need to understand that, circumstances have changed and you need to adapt."
"...I refuse, they had no right to do that. Those were my toiletries."
"You sound entitled, having the privilege to even own toiletries." Thomas said seemingly disappointed, he shook his head. Continuing to crack the shells of his peanuts, that he seemed to be enjoying. It did not sound pleasing because I'd be the one who had to kiss someone with peanut remains left on their teeth. It was also insulting, Thomas thought I was entitled? I sounded entitled? I had left my toiletries in the hall where I was sleeping with the other women from their commune. They had invaded my privacy, used my soap and all my basics and now I had nothing left. With bookkeeping, I had the privilege of being the one to write the grocery lists and I'd always put my necessities in. Austin had never questioned anything. I was beyond frustrated, sleeping with fifteen other woman, some snoring some shifting side to side from nightmares was definitely not a vacation. I hated Austin for listening to Harriet and I hated Harriet for having her way.
"...Merri...?"
"Yes?"
"Can I ask you a question?"
I suddenly felt nervous.
"Yes?"
"What was Master Austin's reason for throwing you out?"
"His fiancée did not feel comfortable with me being around." I told him, with an understanding look... he nodded.
"I'm not one to lie, I felt very uncomfortable with it as well. The two of you residing in your mansion far away from our true reality." He paused cracking another peanut shell. "Faith told me you'd have breakfast with him. You never told me that you were now allowed on the table.."
I did not like Faith for a reason.
"I did not?" I said with a nervous laugh.
"You did not and frankly you used to share everything with me... even your most stupidest thoughts." Thomas reasoned. As I watched him speak, I could not help but feel lucky. He was such a good person, a good looking man who took care of himself even without the necessary needs. I wanted what we had back, I wanted everything to go back to the way it had been before Austin arrived. I missed what Thomas and I had. The bond that we shared. He had this contagious laugh, that I loved so much and lately I had not heard it. Going back to our intimate moments, it was unfair of me to judge compared to a womanizer. I had been the one and only woman Thomas had ever been with and in his defense it was a learning experience for the both of us. Learning what we liked, what we enjoyed, what happens if you flick here and there... so on. I ruined it all by going for Austin, he was not only experienced but he was much older. He had been with many many women, I can only imagine. Perfection took experience. In sexual terms, experience meant adultery.
"I'm sorry for everything, I know things have been different lately.."
Raising his eyebrows. "You noticed as well? I thought I was hallucinating or over thinking..."
"Yes, it must have been the distance. I'm here now and I'm ready for us to start our family like we always planned."
With a wide grin, he nodded. "I hope it's a girl, as pretty as you." With a pause he slowly looked at me. "You're very beautiful Merrigold, so beautiful I feel as if I do not deserve you. I do not know what you see in me but I'm grateful for this love and the happiness you have made me feel. Yes, I have nothing to offer.." he chuckled. "Not a fancy ring or anything of that sort but when I say I love you, I mean it from the depth of my heart. My life without you is meaningless. I'm not happy with the way things are but God put us here and all I want to do is cherish all the good that I do have rather than focus on the ill treatment and horrid conditions."
I could not say a word, the guilt was eating me within me. He felt as if he did not deserve me when in actually fact, I didn't deserve him.
"Don't cry Merri.." Thomas whispered pushing his packet of peanuts aside and pulling me close. I was crying because I had wronged him and he still thought so highly of me. When he finds out, he would surely hate me more than anything. I preferred this man and his peanuts than that other womanizer and his cigarettes. I only hoped that Austin would never tell on me, as spiteful as he could be at times. I was ready to forget it all and move on with my life. I feared he would tell on me. With Lady Harriet knowing, there would be no reason for him to keep this between us but ofcourse his reputation. I trusted he would keep this between us for his reputation atleast I knew that was something he fortunately cared for. I'd bury all the moments of infidelity and sin that I had committed with that man. I wanted and needed to forget it all. I needed to give Thomas my all, my love and everything I have to offer.
"I know what will cheer you up!" Thomas grinned. "Remember Merrigold the horse that was born three months ago.."
"The one you named after me?"
"Master Austin named the horse after you." Thomas chuckled, a feeling of discomfort came over me yet again.
"You should see her, she is stunning and growing so fast. Especially when she is with her mother, I can only think of you and our child when I see them."
"That's really sweet.."
"I'm very excited." He smiled. "Peanuts?" He offered. "I'll crack the shells for you, I remember how you always hated that when we were kids..."
He was so genuine and... kind. Hesitating for a bit, I could only think; I'd take Peanuts over cigarettes any day.