Chapter 16: Austin.
Dear Austin/Master Austin
(However you would like me to address you)
You summoned me to put in writing how many lashes I deserve? Deserve? I deserve none. I refuse for you to bully me into oblivion. I have cried enough, I've been upset enough, I've taken enough insults and felt the guilt that I should. I have come to realize that I have done absolutely nothing wrong, you came into my life and demanded my virginity, it was never something I promised you. You somehow make it seem as if I was promised to you from the day I was born, I fail to understand what has angered you so much to treat me the way that you have.
If the tables had turned, it would not matter. If the tables had turned like how you sleep with Lady Harriet then expect me to be pure, that is hypocritical of you. I expect nothing of you, you're nothing to me. You have done nothing but make me feel shameless for something that should not even matter.
My answer is I do not deserve any lashes. I will not take any and I refuse for you to bully me until I fall victim. You got what you wanted Austin, it might not have been my virginity but you still did what you did to me. If I really repelled you the way you make it known, you would have stopped the minute you realized I was not. You would have stopped but you did not.
I'm not sorry, I'm only sorry I met you. I'm only sorry for giving in. I'm only sorry for allowing you to do what you did to me. I'm only sorry for allowing you to manipulate and put me into a corner of desperation.
I love Thomas, I hope you know that I do not regret him being the first man I ever shared intimacy with. I hope you know that, it was never once and I do not regret it. Call me all the names you would like, I could care less. I have had enough of you. Leave me be, pretend I don't exist. Just leave me be.
To hell with your lashes, whips and empty threats.
—
After reading the note Merrigold had left on my bedside. How bold of her? I thought. I hoped that she had said her prayers for what she had provoked. My anger and hatred towards her only grew with each passing day. This—
this had heightened it. Made it clear that she was testing my patience and she was someone who could not be reckoned with. I'd put her in her place. She would regret every statement she had made. She will rebuke it as I whip her to abeyance. Her so called lover, I will take her as he watches. Merrigold had clearly struck a nerve. I knew this was not about her virginity, it might have been the little infatuation I felt for her. My need to want what I could not have. She had said she did not regret it? She would rephrase that letter at my accord.