Chapter 10: Merrigold.
"I told you, he was as friendly as could be..." Thomas said taking a spoonful of his food. For the first time, I felt the urge to roll my eyes at him. For someone whom I had been missing so much, I only felt nothing but annoyance. Would they still think Austin was a saint if I told them about all his deeds... how he had sneaked in and invaded every bit of privacy till I could practically breathe the same air as him. For something meant to disgust me, how scared and fearful I had been... I found myself wishing I had given in. I found myself, waiting for him to budge through the door and start a squabble with me for what so ever reason that it would land him in between my thighs. I gulped down a feeling of guilt when I looked at Thomas who could not stop letting me know about horse facts that I had no interest in knowing. He looked at me adoringly and assured me he missed me so much. I missed him as well...
"Merri?" My brother called, I diverted my attention to him. It was as if I expected to hear a different voice, yelling at me for the most stupidest reasons... did I actually miss that bastard? That horrible person, I'm meant to hate. Did I like the way he made my body feel... maybe just maybe.
"Yes?" I replied.
"Thomas and I had a lot to chat about while working together..." He said clearing his throat. I turned to Thomas who had a huge grin on his face. It made me nervous, awfully nervous.
"Is that so?" I furrowed my eyebrows.
"It was inevitable that yourself and Thomas would marry. I finally gave him my blessings. I feel that you're old enough and I should not shelter you any longer. I suppose this is something you have both always wanted.."
This was it, that moment. Thomas had finally earned my brother's trust, we could finally tie the knot even if it wasn't in the most affluent manor. All I ever wanted for my older brother to approve, I had begged him with tears at eighteen to let me be with Thomas. Now at twenty, the happiness I was meant to feel at this moment felt odd. I mustered a big smile, assured them that I was beyond overjoyed. I was afraid of what, I was feeling. I did not want to dwell on it. Thomas was and always had been the love of my life from the moment he confessed his love for me under a tree when I was eleven and he was thirteen. He had always been a mature gentleman, assuming he was afraid of my brother's threats. He never pushed or touched me inappropriately, I always had to ask him to. Thomas was respectful and respect was what I deserved but why did I yearn to be belittled and shagged at the back of a dirty stable until my legs surrender to the ground by an evil —
Goodness, I hated these thoughts.
What was becoming of me? I could not look my brother neither Thomas in the eye as I lied to them. I felt possessed, this was surely the devil using my body against me. Making me feel all these weird emotions, making me yearn for despicable devilish things of that sort. I could never voice out of atrocious thoughts. Who would want to hear me, speak of the fantasies my mind had secreted in the last 48hours. I was clearly not okay, I needed help. I needed to get back to myself, get back to the hatred I felt for him from the start. I still hated him with a passion so much passion wanted to tie him to a bed and have my way with him while causing him pain.
My heart came to a halt—
Here I go again, Lord Jesus help me.
The more I thought about it, the more these thoughts went on and on. Threatening to make me act unjustly. What kind of a woman was I turning out to be... a woman who was yearning to cause others pain for their sexual gratification. Surely, I had never thought of myself as sadistic or a serial killer. I am no killer, I'm certain no killer...
Suppose I managed to trick my brother and Thomas into convincing them, I was happy. When I was infact bothered by my thoughts. That night as I told Thomas that Austin had gave allowance for him to sleep in the house for the first time. He was overjoyed then yet again brought in the... "Did I not say Merri that Master Austin is a kindhearted man..."
"Would you like to sleep on the floor, I will take another—"
Thomas then stopped me. Ofcourse this had always been our sleeping arrangements even at the commune. He confessed that the thoughts of my body close to his tempted him to have lustful thoughts. That would render him weak.
"I'd like for us to..." he smiled holding both my hands in his. "Share a bed, since I have your brother's blessings. I could not be more overjoyed."
I swallowed a gulp of guilt.
"Ofcourse." I gave him a smile. "We can share a bed."
Letting out a cough, he gave me another one of his heart warming smiles. "I'd like us to finally try.."
My heart hammered within.
"Try?" I questioned.
"To do what lovers do. I suppose we have waited long enough and with your brother's blessing. I feel at much ease if you got pregnant in the process."
The thought of kids revolted me. For someone who had planned to give Thomas as many kids as I could, I faltered in my steps. I quivered with fear, it was something... I did not want anymore? What was going on with me? What had become of me... my priorities were changing quickly. Too quickly, I felt afraid but I allowed it. I simply allowed it, I loved Thomas and I felt as if I did not deserve it. That night Thomas and I entwined in the most intimate way. He left kisses all over my body and made me feel good for some seconds. Pain was there for a bit but we overcame it. He was gentle and inexperienced, he whispered that he loved me as he climaxed. I was sure, I wanted this and it made me happy but as it happened I found a silent tear escaping my eye. I convinced myself this was everything, I wanted. Thomas was everything, I wanted. He was a kind gentleman and I should not take him for granted. What was I even thinking assuming a white man would bed me... he only wanted to rape me... to instill power and fear within me but Thomas loved me and I felt it with every single touch and the look in his eyes, made it known that he had absolutely no regrets but did I?
Hopefully not, I love Thomas.