Chapter 28: Merrigold.
I got a tad bit comfortable, a regret I'd always have for the rest of my miserable days. I blame myself for getting comfortable, for thinking Austin would treat me any better than an animal. For thinking maybe just maybe he liked me? He wanted me? Maybe I had the upper hand. Austin was bonkers... even worse than I had assumed. When he said he'd have me whenever he wanted to he was right. I hated everyone, I did not want to see anybody. His cologne repulsed me, I could smell it all over my body. I closed my eyes trying to blink these tears away. Tried to imagine a few months back when I was somewhat happy without knowing his existence, when my life was simple. I had always said I was strong, I would do this that in a certain situation but here I was disappointed with myself for letting it overrule me. When the situation came to life, I was powerless close to useless. He looked like someone I couldn't recognize, not that I knew him. Perhaps I never knew Austin, I thought I did but I had played myself for a fool. My body ached, for having been forced open by a barbaric vertebrate. I thought I hated Austin but now, I loathed him with my heart and soul, I wanted to kill him in his sleep with my very hands. I wanted to watch him have his very last breath. I loathed him so much, I wanted to march up to him and cut his head off with an axe. He— the thought of him made my lips quiver with more tears and grief. I cursed the day he came into my life. The shock that my body went through was horrific. My mind kept replaying it over and over again. I blamed myself for once dreaming and fantasizing about such disturbing things.
I blamed myself... I started all this, I thought I was smart. I started all this the minute, I promised him what I could no deliver. The minute I played along with his games. This was all my fault, how had I expected this to end?
"You need to eat Merri!" I heard my sister in-law whisper. I hugged the blankets closer to my body and let out a helpless snivel.
"Meyi!!" My niece called me. It was then that I felt myself get swallowed back into the hole of blues. I'd never have that... the baby that I had been nurturing and carrying for the last four months had been ripped away from me. My stomach churned. It hurt so much, my baby would never know, never see, never walk talk or want. It hurt so much, my nose ran. The bruises on my face hurt from the liquid. Battered up, my left eye could not see from being swollen. I could hardly feel the pain from every bruise on my body. Numb to it all because the pain of my unborn child overtook every emotion that I had or at least seemed to have. I did not care for my brother and Thomas who had beaten Austin to a pulp and now... they were locked up. The injustice in this place nauseated me. I'd always be wrong because of my skin color and he who shall not be named would always be right.
In this moment, I wanted to die. I wished I died. I had never felt so helpless in my life. I always thought I was strong but it was all a front. He scared me, so much I never if I could I never wanted to see him. I'd die if he had to touch me again. With every sob, my ribs reminded me of the horror. With a every step, I relived my horror. I was broken, to the point of not being able to stand up and relieve myself. I did not care anymore for this life. I did not want to be here either. For a moment I wished I was someone else, anybody else but me. Everyone went on with their days as if this was normal and it happened all the time. I had no motivation to do anything. I wouldn't—
They could manage without me. The bookkeeping and all of it. I was done, done with this miserable life I was born into. I did not wish to run away or be a fool and think that I could. He would just hunt me down like the deer he once brought and helplessly dumped it in front of me on the floor. I wanted to run away, run away from this life and all it's misery. I did not care for anyone or anything. What I looked forward to and kept me going for the past four months was gone. Wrongfully taken away from me, I'd never forget the misery and horror. My head ached.
"She is still bleeding but refuses to move. I'm getting worried Mrs. Brown."
"Oh God... the poor child."
I heard them speak of me as if I was not present. I was present, but my mind was so far it felt like an echo at a distance.
"I spoke to a friend who has been through this before. They said over the past week she should have light bleeding, clots and so dispatching. No need to worry, her body is simply recovering from the state of once being with child."
"Oh alright, I was biting at one's nails with concern as it is." I heard my sister in-law say. "Any news about James and Thomas...?"
"Nothing yet, although with their arrest. I can only assume they're being tortured by the police. We have to beg Master Austin to drop the charges if we wish to see them again..." Mrs. Brown explained. "Only Merrigold could convince him at this point..."
"But—"
"Austin has been going bullocks, knowing what he did these past few days."
"That arsehole deserves to die, for the pain he has caused her. I hate him so much and I have never seen Merri in such a state. I'm scared that she will never be the same. I do not know what she did to deserve this. She has done nothing but serve that family and work tirelessly for them to get this plantation up and running. Their payment is their son raping her and they turn a blind eye and care for their son receiving a couple of punches from James and Thomas? I hope he dies. I hope his cigarettes kill him sooner than later. He is a disgusting pig."
"I can only understand the pain you must be going through..."
"If anything, he should have the decency to drop those charges after all that he has done."
"I agree but knowing Austin. He probably wants to see her."
"See her for what Mrs. Brown? So he can take advantage of her and continue damaging her. That monster must remain high up in his palace of slavery!"
"I'm simply trying to see both sides of all this dear."
"No no, I fail to understand how you can sympathize with that dog that ruthless animal. Did you see what he did to her? She can not even—" I heard my sister in-law begin to cry. "She can not even use the toilet. It all just comes flowing down. He hurt her badly..."
At this point as they continued to talk, I blocked all their voices out. I could not bare listen to their sympathy pity chatter. I laid there helplessly oozing with blood between my legs. I had a bath the day before but it would not stop and frankly, I did not care anymore. It was just not in me to care for anything not even for myself or the people I claimed to love so much.