Chapter 41: Dear Austin.
Dear Austin, my love, always will be.
I certainly do not where to start, but ink and paper should be alright... a good start. I was never one for love letters but here I am. I have every written letter you once wrote to me, I treasure it with my heart and soul. I have so much to tell you, so much that I fear even stepping on your door step; given you will immediately ask me to be on my way. I do not blame you, you have every right to be enraged. It seems all I've caused is havoc and grief in your life but... we had our sweet moments. I've watched you grow to be the handsome, admirable man you're today. You carry yourself with confidence and a dominant aura. Something you never had when I first met you. You were that frail skinny boy with stunning big grey eyes with hues of Smokey blue. That smile of yours Austin, I could never forget. I'd love to think it's your most appealing feature... you hardly smile which I noticed the other day. You stay tight lipped and you jaw intact. Scary... very scary. You've changed, Austin. You've changed so much that it scares me. You scare me... the look you gave me the recent night is something that kept me up for days after.
I understand your anger towards me. I understand hatred for me but love and hatred does indeed have a very thin line. I'm here back again to flip the switch and go back to the way we were.
I'm here to let you know that yes, I'm awfully late but I accept your offer. I will leave your brother and the kids for you. I want to be with you, I'd rather marry you instead of Henry. I'm very unhappy, I will admit. I'm in the pits of a lifeless marriage with an infertile man, the lies and deceit I've had to go through to keep him happy and content... I can not keep it up anymore. I wish someone had told me a while back that you were the one for me and not Henry. I regret every decision I've made in the past, I regret bringing innocent souls into this charade.
When I informed you that I was pregnant and that I'd be visiting Evelyn to get rid of it. It never came off, I tried so many times and so many methods but it just would not. Her name is Mandy, she is fifteen. Yes, she has your gray eyes and my blonde hair. She has Mongolian idiocy.
(A/N that's deadass what they use to call people with Down syndrome in the 1800s)
Embarrassing, the shame... regardless I love her. I know she will love you too. I take blame and fault for it all. After giving birth, I gave her to my sister not because she looked odd or was the way she is. I gave her up before I even saw her. My sister only started to notice her delayed growth at a later stage. Many doctors could not pin point what is exactly wrong with her... I'm aware that it was indeed all my doing. You have every right to be maddened and furious with my actions.
I still can not and will never forget how much you begged me not to go off to get it done... but I did not care to listen. I was adamant. I wish, I had listened. I think about it a lot, the regret is slowing eating me up to the point at which I can not look at Mandy without wanting to have a good cry in the comfort of cold concrete walls away from it all and everyone. Everything would have been perfect, Mandy would have been born alright, we would have raised her together and lived happily our fairytale but I had to go ruin it all.
Now at the age of forty-two I feel I've matured and grown into the woman who has learnt her mistakes and knows right from wrong. I admittedly want to be with you, my feelings never died out... i was guilelessly forced to ignore them. It hurt watching you with that girl you had at dinner. Harriet was her name, I presume. She looked much rather like a counterfeit of my younger self and we both are aware of that. It made me wonder if you still think of me, if you still love me, I'd like to believe you do. No other woman could take my place, I know how you felt so strongly for me. I made you the man that you're and taught you all that you know. It may not occur to you but you do love me. Deep down, that is why all that anger riles up at the thought or sight of me. I surmise no woman could ever replace me in your as of late dull life. I'm sure you have tried, but could not...
Here I am ready to give us another chance. Please respond as quickly as you can, anxiety will be killing me. I will admit that I'm not as young and flamboyant as I used to be. Look past my flaws and see me the way you used to with admiration and lust in your innocent eyes that made me feel good about myself when Henry ignored me.
Mandy needs you. You're her papa, she adores you even without knowledge of who you're. Can you believe that we made her together with nothing but love? I can not convince you enough how regretful I am of my actions. Your family will hate you either way, might as well simply be with me...
I love you Austin the Cunning-Ham-ster
your famous line.
Yes, I remember very well.
Again I love you with all that I have. You've grown to be a handsome stunning gent. I can not help but be more attracted to you now more than ever. I can not wait for you to wrap your big strong arms around me and love me. You aren't a skinny boy anymore and I love that. I admire the caliber of a man you've grown to be. Your lack of wife or children strikes me as if you've been waiting for this moment all your life. Waiting for me to return to you like I should. I should've never left in the very first place.
But I am here now with all the love that I have to offer and our daughter who needs you abundantly.
I love you Austin. My apologies for the distress and pain I caused you in the past. Write back soon before I lose my marbles... you make me crazy. I feel like a giddy teenage girl again.
Your love always
Stella Ward Cunningham
Ps. Not Cunningham because of Henry. Cunningham because of you Austin.