Phoenix Sterling
I know that it won't be easy with Lana since she just lost her father. She's been crying a lot and she couldn't even stand straight on her father's funeral. She was broken and she blamed it on herself.
Her father is indeed not a good person. He planned to kill me because he wanted my new military gear so bad. They know that they could sell it in a really high price and impress the cartels around Europe. In the end of the day, no matter how evil his father was, he's still her father.
Lana is still in her healing process too and I can say that she's doing well physically but not emotionally.
My parents helped a lot too. They cheered Lana up a lot when I'm not around. She started to recover emotionally even though it's slow. I'm happy that she started to regain her happiness.
On the other side, Dean and I aren't on speaking terms. He seemed to know where all of these were going and I know it myself too. Everyday, I would look at my ILLICIT access card to the headquarters and think that.. I have to let it go completely if I really want to be with Lana.
I care for her, I like her a lot and I don't have any intention to divorce her whatsoever.
Being an ILLICIT member was never easy. We started because we need each other and progress to making weapons and military gears. We all have passions for weapons and that's why we produce all the products that we have now.
Not only ILLICIT is a company that's working with Europol. We're working with the European Union for trading around the world too. ILLICIT is a really big deal and we have a lot of enemies. One of the reasons that we didn't go out to the public is because safety is our number one priority. That's why we all stayed single.
If we want to sleep around, it's fine. Since we won't have any attachment with anyone but settling down means you have a family. You don't want to risk your family's safety and that's why Dean came up with no settling down rules.
If we break the rule, the consequences is that we have to leave ILLICIT and let everything go. No more projects related to ILLICIT and no more going to the headquarters. ILLICIT has been my life for the past 6 years and letting it go will be a really big deal for me.
At the same time, I can't say that I want both. If I really want to settle down, I don't want to risk Lana's life in danger. It's one or the other.
A week ago, I shared an intense conversation with Dean.
"I'll give time for Lana to heal then I want you to divorce her." Dean said coldly as he crossed his arms.
"Dean, I can't do that. I can't leave her like this."
"Don't make excuses that you can't leave her like this when you actually care for her. That's bullshit, Phoenix. It's either leave her so you could stay or leave ILLICIT. I don't want any bullshit, you wanting to take both." Dean said in an angry tone.
"Rules in this case aren't meant to be broken, Phoenix. You know that I'm not the type to play around and you should know by now after spending more than 6 years." He turned his body facing me.
"I will give you 2 weeks to think about this, stay or leave. If you choose to leave, then give me back all of the access card.. all the files.. everything related to ILLICIT. You can go live your life but never expect me to come around." I know he's doing this because he cares for me. Dean is like a big brother to me and he has always been caring and nothing but sacrificing everything for me.
The thoughts of Dean not being around will break me but on the other side, I couldn't leave Lana either. ILLICIT provides me a dream and leaving means.. sacrifing my dream.
It was a hard decision and I can't choose. I can't pick both and it frustrates me. How can I choose when both of the choices are equally important?
"Phoenix." I turned to see Lana walking into the apartment with a lot of things on her hands. I ran towards her to help with all the groceries. I put it in the kitchen table and helped to put all of them into their place.
"You okay?" Lana asked and I nodded lightly.
"Tell me.. what's bothering you?" She walked towards me and I smiled. "Everything is fine, it's just work." I said as I kept putting the groceries away.
"Have you eat dinner?"
"No, I haven't. I'm going to see Angelo in 30 minutes, will you be okay?" I turned to her and she nodded.
"I'll be okay, I will sleep early. The medicine drains my energy." She chuckled.
"Okay." I folded the grocery bag and put it into the drawer near the fridge. I walked to the living room and sat down on the sofa checking my email. Lana sat beside me with a glass of wine.
"Should we file for a divorce now?" I turned to her disbelief. She put the glass of wine on the table in front of us and she turned to me smiling.
"Why are you saying all of the sudden?"
"We're not real, Phoenix. I'm planning to.. move to Swiss." I was speechless.
"But you have your company here."
"I found someone who could manage it for me while I take a long break." I still couldn't find my voice or even an answer to reply to her.
"It's been tough for me and I want to take a long break from everything. It's been too much and I need space to heal myself."
"I'll be waiting for you and we don't need to get a divorce." I said and she smiled.
"That would be.. selfish on my part. I don't want that."
"But why? Why all of the sudden?" I still do not believe what I just heard.
"You know how hard it is for me to cope with the situation that's happening right me. It's too much for me and psychologically.. I'm not okay. I need time and space to heal myself."
"I can wait for you, Lana. I'll give you space to be alone but we don't have to get a divorce."
"I'm sorry, Phoenix. I really want a divorce."