I bite my lip, “I think I remembered the rape, it happened to me some time after I arrived in Italy and our separation only made them more horrible, Kahin when I dream that they hurt me, I see you walk away from me and leave me alone,” he keeps looking at me, “I need you now, more than ever, please don't leave me alone honey," I take his hand" I need you.”
Kahin looks at me with a frown, “and you are just telling me? Why didn't you do it from the first time I asked you? Damn you were suffering and I didn't know why, but of course your Italian already knew it. Why didn’t you tell me? It's a relief that he will die.”
Hearing that is like having my heart ripped out of my chest, Kahin's callousness leaves me stunned, I let go of his hand and step back, “how can you say something like that? Don't you realize the effect of your words? Kahin no one deserves to die, not in that way my sun will do it, he is your brother-in-law damn it, he is the man who took care of me and your son, he is the same one for whom I do not hate you as I wanted, you are cruel. I always knew, but I didn't think you will be with a person who has done us and your sister so much good,” I look at him with disappointment, unfortunately that is the man I love, and he is simply being him.
"Don't look at me as if I'm the bad guy, the day that you care for me as much as he matters to you, then you and I will be happy," he turns around and walks to the door.
I'm hurt by him, but I have to fix things, so without thinking too much I scream, "I'm pregnant!" Kahin stops in the middle of the room and doesn't look at me, "I started taking care of myself late and that damn myth that if you are breastfeeding you don't get pregnant is a lie. I am pregnant Kahin, we will be parents again and you are leaving me alone, you do not allow me to talk to you and you do not allow me to tell you what I am going through,” he turns, in his eyes there is confusion, “I am 7 weeks pregnant,” I shrug my shoulders, I don't like his expression and I know that the soon he is going to explode.
“Don't say anything, please don't do it,” I anticipate the facts, “I know what you're going to say will hurt, it's always like this lately, you're killing me Kahin. You are destroying me little by little, you don't know what it feels like for everyone to know about my pregnancy and be happy and the person you want to be happy does not know because he refuse to let anyone talk about me or what happens to me. I am meeting a psychologist because I am not well and when I need you the most, you close yourself and you do not listen to reason,” his seriousness lets me know that he is not happy, he approaches me threateningly and I back off, I do not like his gesture, when he tries to touch me, I fall on the bed in a sitting position, “Kahin stop,” I screech when he rush at me, his kiss dislodged me.
“I hate that you think badly of me, I would never touch you to hurt you,” I look into his eyes, “I am an idiot, I left you alone because of my jealousy and my anger, I acted bad baby I'm sorry, I knew you were not well and I could not help you, I was frustrated and the pain that you wanted to just leave me like that didn't help at all,” I open my legs to feel better.
"Aren't you angry about my pregnancy?"
He smiles at me, his face full of happiness now, “angry? Honey, I will be with you in every step of this, I will redeem what I did not do with the pregnancy of our son, we will be parents, I will be there to take care of you and that our daughter arrives safely.”
I contract my face, “what did you say?" I asked in a whisper.
"I'm going to take care of you so that our daughter arrives safely."
I raise an eyebrow, “and how do you know it will be a girl?"
He smiles and kisses my lips, “because I know,” he gets up, “I am still angry with you and I suppose that you are with me for what I have said about your sun, so I do not pretend to be a hypocrite and pretend that everything is fixed, but my way of being and behaving will change.”
I get up and look at him, “Kahin, it wouldn't be hypocritical if we fix it, honey I miss you,” my voice cracks, “I don't want this distance between us anymore, I'm already receiving help, I'm already being the one I used to be, please I no longer want to continue with this suffering,” I approach him and I hug him, “forgive me dear, forgive me and let's move on,” I look into his eyes. “Didn't we go through so many obstacles and in the end we all overcome them? Let this not be an exception, we love each other and we complement each other and although I lost myself for a while, I swear that here I am being myself without that toxic part, we cannot live if it is not being together.”
Kahin caresses my cheek with that love that I missed, “you are right darling, you are my Sweet that brightens my days, please forgive me, without you I am lost and I am only bitterness, damn I am a damn hell,” smiling at his words I caress his beard.
"In your hell or in mine we are sinning together, I love you Kahin Hamann, you have made me pregnant for the second time," I smile with amusement. "How much are you willing to help me to overcome everything?" His soft, warm and tempting lips join with mine, his wet and delicious tongue dance with mine, I enjoyed it, I missed it very much.
"I am willing to do anything for your well-being and that of my children," he answers between my lips, separating from the kiss, I look him in the eyes, either he gets angry or he accepts, but I must try.
"Then come with me to therapy, I need you by my side." His gesture is what I thought, he disliked the idea.
"I'm not crazy baby, I'm not going to talk to a person who only listens for money and everything you say is worth shit, that's a damn waste of time."
I caress his neck, “it's not, look at me honey, I've improved a lot in these two weeks, do it for me and our children,” I place his hand on my flat stomach, “we must think of them first,” my brunette looks at his hand on my belly and frowns.
"I'll only go once and only because you have asked." I smile happily at his acceptance. "Now, it's been two fucking weeks of masturbation, I want to finish doing my daughter good." He hit his chest.
"You have made me suffer a lot Mr. Hamann, I have a broken heart" my husband takes me in his arms and leaves me on the bed to start undressing in a hurry.
“Then I have a lot to do, I must repair the heart of my little woman,” like a tiger, he approaches me and I am about to enjoy what the pregnancy takes out of limits.
For love we do everything, for love we cry, we get angry, we go crazy, but the most important thing is that for love we are willing to overcome all adversity. Kahin Hamann is a man who only sees for himself, his interests and his satisfaction, now he is willing to break the rules to see me happy. How not to be in love with my perfectly imperfect man?