It was around four o'clock in the morning when I woke up from an excruciating nightmare. I gasped as if I am losing my breath. In my nightmare, I saw my father's face showered with his own hot tears while on his bent knees, seeking and begging for help from the familiar faces of the Zendejas' family.
I was trying to catch my breath, with my hand patting my chest. I cleared my throat and took the glass of water on the side table. I sighed when I felt my heart slowly getting calmed after a few deep breath.
Fuck this life, Nathalie. Even when I was asleep, I still can't get the peace I longed for. I found myself hugging my knees and burying my head on it.
How can I fix everything when I am deeply wounded? I didn't manage to heal even after a long time. I must admit that I am having a hard time moving on and fixing my damaged life. It's funny that I wanted to help my parents with their issues and be with them as they try to cope up but in reality, I can't do it knowing that I can't help myself properly.
I looked at the white tulips on the side table. It has been two days since I received it yet it's still beautiful, lively and fascinating. I took the folded letter that I put between its petals. I opened it and read the message written on it.
vnedjs
"Evan Zendejas..." I whispered a familiar name when I finally realized that it was him.
My lips parted with this realization. I gazed back on the white tulips again. Did he send these flowers to me because he wanted to apologize? If that was the case, why didn't he tell me last night? Was it too difficult for him to apologize personally so he just decided to send me a flower of apology on my birthday instead?
Does he feel so low when he apologize? Does he protect his well-built pride too much that he can't even say those two simple words in front of me?
I wanted to laugh bitterly but my mouth doesn't remember how to do it anymore. My jaw started clenching when a flashback of his face appeared through my head. I shook my head abruptly and crumpled the paper on my hand. Out of irritation that started eating me up, I threw away the paper somewhere in my room and decided to go outside as I felt suffocated again.
The whole house is already dark and cold. I shivered and hugged myself as I was walking downstairs. I went to the living room and sat on the couch. I can't help but to space out while remembering everything that happened last night.
Did it all happen in just one night? It felt like I was dreaming.
I am still in pain after the argument I had with my father. He's really persistent in keeping the company despite the fact that we're already doomed and left with no other options. I pressed my lips together when I remember the mixed emotions painted on his face last night. Anger had eaten him up but at the same time, he was begging for me to listen and trust him. I know that my father doesn't want to accept the decision Shaira and I made. I know it pains him a lot because he was the one who founded the company and he loves it so much but if only there are other choices aside from selling it, I swear we won't go this far.
If only he would agree, we will sell the company as soon as possible and we could just start a new life. We could start a new business and do our best to make it grow. If only he could learn to accept my decision and will move on, I bet we will be able to start a new life altogether and forget all these issues that made us apart.
But how can I convince him? I let out a sigh and closed my eyes. I massaged the side of my head. This will be difficult and I don't really know what else I could do to fix everything for my family.
And then I remember what happened in the bridge... under the rain.
I felt the lump in my throat as the sudden flashbacks swirled through my head.
The way he embraced me... and all the words he said... I bit my lower lip as I tried to control my heart from its sudden loud beating.
You, stupid little organ inside my chest... Why are you beating so loud for someone who isn't worth it?
I heard some footsteps from someone who are walking towards me but I didn't mind it and continued to space out. I'm just staring blankly at the wall in front of me when I felt Chandria's presence in the living room.
She sat on on the couch next to mine. I also heard her sigh and in my peripheral vision, I saw her staring at me.
"Babe... Have you... two talked last night?" she asked me hesitantly.
"No," I replied bluntly.
That's funny. Why would I even want to talk to him? He did nothing but to disappear suddenly on our supposed engagement party. Now, he has the gut to show up like a ghost when he feels like doing so? Is that way easier for him? How come?
"Did he say something to you?" my best friend asked me again in her careful tone.
"None," I answered.
"Nathalie," she called my name, obviously unconvinced with my answers. "I am worried about you."
I remained silent. I know it's not right to act this way knowing there are people like Chandria and grandma Helga who are suffering and getting worried about me but I can't control my feelings toward the situation. God knows how I felt guilty because my way of thinking has changed up to the point that I became too cold and blunt to the people around me but I can't do anything about it. It sucks, I know. I don't feel anything aside from the indifference. No matter how I try to express a different kind of emotion and make these people think that I am normal and happy or even just stable... I still end up failing because even if my mind wanted me to act normally, my body can't seem to take a grasp and do its command.
Like every whole damn thing is just in my mind, whirling around. It is like I am stuck inside of a lonely and cold vessel. That's what I got after the series of torment. And because of it, this life isn't going to be the same as before.
"If you feel furious about what he did in the past, you have to let it out. I am really concerned because you're choosing to stay silent and cold. Know that I want you to be happy again, Nathalie." she added. "That anger you're keeping inside, that needs to be voiced out. You can't keep it like forever. You won't heal if you stay this way, babe."
"I can't..." I stated firmly.
It's easy for her to say it but for me it's going to be difficult. God knows how I want to get freed from this anger but I don't know how. It's easier said than done. My chest is tightening simply by thinking that I have to let go of my negative emotion. If I let it all out, I would get lost... get weak and insane... The people around me will see me breakdown... They will see me at my lowest point... and I don't want that to happen.
That's what I am afraid the most. The thought of releasing my hatred, anger and pain scares me knowing that it would break me big time.
"I know where you're coming from. You're angry with him, Nathalie, and I can't blame you for feeling that way. If the same situation happens to me, I would feel the same thing," she sighed heavily. "But I hope you'll make a decision eventually. You have to save yourself from all those negative feelings. You can't live with it because it's not helping you at all. I know you're scared but you have to overcome it. You won't be able to save yourself if you keep it all in... So please, release it while you can."
She switched her position and sat beside me. The next thing I knew was she hugged me so tight that made my body tremble. I bit my lower lip and let out a heavy sigh.
"That's alright, Nathalie. I know you will get through this..." she assured me and patted my back that gave me comfort.
"Thank you for being here, Chandria." I managed to say and hugged her back.
I buried my face on her shoulder and as tears started to form in my eyes, a whimper escaped my lips.
In the mist of chaos, I am still glad that I have Chandria as my best friend. At the end of the day, I only need one friend who has the courage to understand me and will stay with me as I continue to fight my own battle... a friend who will never leave even if I am already drowning in sadness and will help me no matter how blunt and cold I could get. And because I have Chandria, I can't help but to feel thankful...