"Are you sure that you have no idea who it is?" Chandria asked me again playfully.
She is still following me while I am walking faster so I can get away from all her interrogations.
"Like I said, I have no idea and I don't care, alright?" I snorted.
"Hmm, aren't you curious? What if you already met that person before?"
"Still, that doesn't change the fact that I don't really care, Chandria." I replied in a blank tone.
I continued to walk and gazed at the waves hitting some of the rocks on the sea shore. Every hit of the waves has this enticing sound that made me space out a bit for a few seconds. The waves that hitting those little rocks is like a good view that me calm down a bit.
The rain slowed down a bit and thanks to it as I was able to hide my tears from my best friend. She didn't even notice that I cried a while ago because she seemed too curious about the person who sent me the letter.
To be honest, I am also curious like her. Whoever that person is, I am certain that he or she can see the sadness I feel towards everything. However, it also creeps me out that an unknown person is trying to pull out some stunts in a way like this. On the other hand, I have to admit that it gives me the warmth I needed too.
"Did you already close your heart to some kind of possibility? Like meeting someone who understands you the most and falling in love with him?" Chandria asked me carefully.
I stopped walking and just let myself stared at the beauty of the blue sea and its waves that crawling into the shore gently. I looked up at the dark gray sky and it's funny that I feel amazed by just simply looking at it. I let the mild rain drenched my body as it also gave me some comfort. Truth be told, these made me less horrible.
When the memories you don't really want to remember tries to play repeatedly in your head and hurts the weakest organ of your body, that will make you feel terribly miserable. And that is how I feel whenever an unwanted memory starts to play in my mind all of a sudden, right in front of my eyes, bringing nothing but the familiar pain I would really want to forget, making me so helpless simply because remembering that unwanted memory could also be my death.
I am just glad that I finally learned the value of survival. That's the least thing I can do. Starting and ending the day with nothing but a same routine. Feeling indifferent towards everything or everyone that surrounds me is what I was trained to do in just a span of time.
"I already did, Chandria. I closed my heart and no one will ever have a chance to get in," I stated firmly and glanced her way. "I don't need to open my heart to any man out there." I added and went back to the resort.
***
We traveled just right after the rain has stopped. We visited the Hinagdanan cave at Dauis, the manmade forest, Chocolate Hills, and also did some water activities such as parasailing and snorkeling under the ocean. I can really see that my best friend was happy and she enjoyed our tour around some islands. And there was me who just let things happened so as long as Chandria would be happy. There was me who hope that time would run faster so we can go home and I can take a rest in my darkest room.
We took a rest in another island and had some snacks in there then we traveled all the way back to Panglao and check out from the resort. It's already past seven o'clock in the evening when we arrived home.
"Good evening, young ladies! How's your day? Did you have fun?" Grandma Helga greeted us happily when we went into the living room.
I walked towards her and kissed her cheek. Chandria did the same. She became too close with her already.
"We're fine, grandma..." I replied.
"Oh, my goodness, grandma! I am so tired today! We roamed around and did island hopping and it was really fun! I just realized how amazing this province is! I don't want to go back in Manila anymore! Can I stay here and live with you? Can you adopt me, grandma?" Chandria gushed in her usual high pitch voice. I bet she still has the energy to speak her mind.
"Sure!" grandma exclaimed and they both laughed.
I bit my lower lip and watched them carefully. Deep in my heart, I know that I am happy to see them smiling and laughing their hearts out. I am also glad that despite how I feel towards the world, my best friend seems enjoying herself in this place.
How are you, Nathalie? I asked myself for the nth time. I don't even know why I can't answer it myself no matter how I try to.
I envy my grandma and best friend. If only I can forget some things in the past and set aside the pain I kept inside my heart, maybe even for a little period of time I would feel happy.
My grandmother's eyes were darted on me. I saw the familiar worry in her eyes when I stared at it carefully.
"Hey, sweetheart. Are you alright?" She asked me in a concerned tone reason why Chandria had to turn her gaze on me.
I licked my lower lip and nodded slowly. I am doing fine, I guess. However, I don't feel more better. For me, being okay means I survived the day and the challenge will start anew the next morning.
Same fucking routine, Risha Nathalie Saavedra.
Same thing... Same shit...
"I will just... go upstairs..." I said and then looked at Chandria. "I'll take a rest first."
My best friend nodded at me. "Sure, babe. I know you're already tired. I'll stay here with grandma."
"Thank you, Chandria." I turned to my grandmother and kissed her forehead. "I'll join you in dinner later on."
"Sure thing, sweetheart. Go ahead and take a rest." She said sweetly.
I left them walked my way towards our staircase. I walked upstairs slowly and then heard them talking about me. I can feel the worry and concern in their voices.
"I am sorry, grandma..." Chandria almost whispered to grandma but I still managed to hear it clearly. "I tried my best to make her happy today but I guess I failed. She ended up crying at the beach earlier..."
I gasped when I realized that she did really notice that I cried while we were at the beach but chose not to bring it up with me. My hand formed a fist. My knees went weak but I need to continue my movement.
I don't want to hear it.
"I knew you tried, Chandria. My granddaughter is still vulnerable. Anything or anyone could trigger her to breakdown. Please, be patient with her. She needs a friend that will understand where she's coming from..." I heard my grandmother's reply right before I went to my room.
I closed the door and from that moment, it felt like I just removed the mask on my face. The mask that hid my emotion, the real me. I sighed heavily. In just a snap, my eyes were teary. I felt like my heart will be cleaved into pieces and it's unbearable. I sobbed to let it out. I have to let it out because if not, perhaps I won't be able to breathe normally.
I won't be able to live longer...
I gazed at my bed and my eyes immediately found the white tulips located on the side table. It's still beautiful, looking proud and healthy maybe because the water I put inside the vase filled its stems.
I remember the letter I received today at the beach. I took it out from the pocket of my sling bag and then read the message several times.
Why do I feel the sunshine on you when in fact you're only a stranger?
I breathed heavily and walked directly to my bed. I sat on its side and looked at the white tulips for a moment. The flowers somehow made me calm and got my breathing back to normal. I looked down at the letter on my hand and folded it in triangular shape, then I inserted it to white tulips petals.
"I guess I have to tell you..." I licked my lower lip and continued to glance at the fascinating flowers. "It is difficult to keep it all in but I have no other choice. If I don't do it, the people I love the most will suffer too..." I chuckled softly. "And I don't like it... No, I hate it..." I breathed in. "How did you know that I am sad? You're quite a good observer..."
I swallowed hard and breathed in gently. I guess I am getting crazy because I am opening my heart to these flowers that can't even talk nor listen. I smiled inwardly.
"You know why I became the most saddest woman in the world?" I bit my lower lip and let out a huge sigh. "I became like this because I was left behind... and it happened without them knowing that it was my biggest fear ever..."
Being left behind by the person whom you learned to trust the most and you thought will never leave and will stick with you, that's really brutal and a cruel ending.
"Now... because of what happened... because of what he did to me... My heart is already closed... My heart is wrapped in a cold ice... That's the saddest ending this fate has given me," I whispered before tucking myself into bed.