After calling Dan and telling him I would be available for dinner at 7 pm, I slump into my chair, emotionally exhausted even though the day has barely begun. I try to dive into work, I really do try but it looks like the white roses, which seem to mock me from their perch on my table, are a constant clear reminder of my recent past.
When I realize I can't take it anymore, I fling the vase at the door and watch as the flowers scatter onto the floor and the vase makes an ear-shattering noise as it splinters into many pieces. Luckily, it's lunch break and no one is around so I'm in the clear for the meantime to vent. It seems my chest has been torn open and there's this great chasm that needs to be filled.
I shake my head and grip my hair in my two hands, despair filling me with anguish. My soul which had been full to the brim a year ago, screams with emptiness. I feel like a walking dead because I'm so full of extricating longing for the one person that almost ruined my life, that I wish I could rip out my heart from my chest just to ease the sensation.
So now I'm in this half-alive state because the only person who can ease this sensation is gone. I wake up most times in the night, and on instinct, reach for him, but then I realize the true situation of things and I can't believe he's truly gone. No matter how many times my mind tries to rationalize it, there's a part of me that feels he's still coming back to me - to us, to Lily and I.
It's a never-ending cycle of want and self-loathing and it's tiresome. I wish I can stop this longing I have for Ash because it's tearing me apart. I slump inside my chair once more and my eyes stray to my watch. It's just a little after one and it's still early but I know I can't stay at work. There's no point in staying when I know it's futile and I won't get any work done.
Tearing a strip of paper from my post-it notepad, I pen a note down on it to the senior accountant, pleading a horrible headache, and paste it on my desk before I gather up my things and leave. I feel bad about leaving this way because Mr. Harry was the only one who took me back when I called him as a last resort for a job. My old job had been waiting for me and it helped pay the bills for going back to school and also my daughter's needs.
Clarissa's parents helped a great deal as well with feeding and housing me and I will forever be indebted to them.
*
"Hold still, Lis, come on, anyone seeing you wriggling would think you're an eel."
I huff as Clarissa tries valiantly to slip the dress past my hips. "When will you realize this dress is not my size."
"But I was so certain that it was because you've lost so much weight."
"Tell that to them." I point to my hips which, even though I've indeed slimmed down on other parts of my body, have stoically refused to go down.
"But, lord, you are even more shapely than before, more so now that you've lost all the fat you had on while you were pregnant with Lily."
I shrug because I didn't just lose the fat willingly, I totally stopped eating. It seemed like I'd lost the will to live when I came out of the coma and realized what had happened was not a dream.
"No matter, I need something to wear for this dinner date with Dan."
Clarissa helps me remove the dress she bought at a vintage shop and slumps onto the bed. One look at her scrunched-up face and I know what's coming next.
"I just can't understand it." She shakes her head as if she's trying to free it of cobwebs.
"What is it?" I ask even though I know full well what she's going to say.
"It's just. . . I'm wondering why you didn't go back for all your clothes. All those beautiful clothes A-"
My warning look cuts off her words and she shakes her head once more and stands. "Oh well, what's done is done, but I've got an idea of what you can wear. Remember my free skirt? Well, you can pair it with one of your crop tops, and then I'll lend you a jacket and one of my heels."
I nod, but I don't really care if I go fit the dinner dressed in a burlap sack. I can't seem to dredge up any enthusiasm for it even though it's long overdue for me to get out of this funk I've been in for one year.
"I passed .. . yesterday." Clarissa's muffled voice filters over to me from where she's riffling through her wardrobe.
She comes out holding up something green in her hand. "Tara, The skirt." She flings it at me and I catch it mid-flight.
Instead of trying it on, I drop it on the bed and face her once more. "Just say it, don't be a coward, I'm a big girl, I can take it."
Clarissa freezes at first and drops her gaze before slowly, she lifts her head and faces me. "I went to Stardust yesterday and. . . it was open."
I feel like I've been sucker punched. That means only one thing. "He's alive and well. Nothing happened to him."
Clarissa nods but that unspoken word is still hanging in the air.
Ash did not want to get engaged to me. He didn't want to marry me.
She told me she had bugged Night Eyes to death about where Ash was, but he claimed he hadn't seen him since the day of our engagement.
I nod my head and shrug. "So what, huh? This just proves I've got to move on with my life and get that. . . asshole out of my head."
I shoot daggers at Clarissa with my eyes, daring her to say otherwise.
"I think. . .that is the best statement I've heard from you in the last year. Thank goodness you've finally agreed to go on a date with Dan, the poor man has been practically begging you for the last six months, and-"
I shoot her a warning look and she clamps up immediately.
*
Almost two hours later, and Clarissa left me to go study, seeing as she has a test the following day. She still stays at the hostel because it's far from her home. I release a sigh as I look at myself in the mirror, wondering if Clarissa shouldn't just go into fashion design instead of accounting. My hair falls in waves on my back, thanks to Clarissa's artful work on it, and my black crop top, paired with Clarissa's green flowing skirt looks good together.
As I swirl around, a chuckle wafts up from behind me and I look behind me to see Lily giving me one of her toothless grins. She's playing in a corner of the room with some of her toys and she looks so cute, I can't help but walk over to her and pick her up.
"Hi, baby, how does mama look?"
Her dark brown eyes dance with glee as she chuckles once more. Her dimples are on display and right now, she looks so much like her dad that the sadness slams into me with full force. Some drool drips from the corner of her mouth, and I clean it off.
"Mama loves you, my baby, Lily."
It's as if she knows I'm serious at this moment because she stops smiling and clutches one of my hands in hers and just stares. I'm overwhelmed with emotion and would have broken down in tears if not for my phone that begins to ring.