As I steer awake, I feel a heavy weight, like a log, pressing my stomach. My head feels like it's going to blow because there's a hammering inside it that's refusing to abate.
What happened to me?
Why do I feel this way?
I force my eyes to open and they do so unwillingly. Everywhere looks dim and I can't recognize my surroundings until I blink, clearing the fog from my eyes. My eyes land on an indiscernible shape on the bed beside me and I trace my eyes across the shirtless body and onto a hand that's curved around my bulging stomach.
I'm pregnant?
I blink, and then blink several more times before everything comes crashing back into my mind.
Leonard?
I killed him. . .
Tacky-blonde cop?
I killed her too.
My heart slams inside my rib cage as the realization crashes into me.
I killed two people.
I gasp and try to sit up, but the hand - Ash's hand - is heavy on me, stopping me from moving. I shake my head, trying to rid it of the images of me pulling the trigger, of the images of blood, of me pointing a gun at Ash.
"No!" I shake my head as I close my eyes. "It's not true."
"Shh! Baby, come here, it's okay, it's alright, it's all over now, I promise." Ash croons into my ear as he pulls my weighty body onto his lithe one.
He rocks me like a baby that I'm not, caressing my hair and crooning words of comfort I wasn't sure he could offer. Soon, my tears subside and stop, and my eyes become heavy and begin to droop. I continue feeling Ash's soothing touch in my hair until I drift off.
When next I wake, Ash is no longer beside me, but I can feel his presence around me. I look toward the door and see that it's slightly open. Words filter in from outside, snatches of words, so I concentrate so I can better hear them.
"She'll be fine when she wakes up, she was under a lot of stress that's why she fainted." A man says.
"And Lily?" Ash asks. There's silence, and then he continues. "Our baby, how is she?"
"Ah! The baby is fine, her heartbeat is normal, she's perfect actually, nothing to worry about."
Their voices drift off and I realize they're walking away. That must have been the doctor who must have come to see me while I was asleep. I close my eyes and release a sigh. I do feel more rested now but my bladder is full. I struggle to stand up and when I do, everywhere spins.
"Oh my goodness, 'lis, why are you standing?"
Clarissa comes into the bedroom dressed in all black and sporting a new haircut. "What? I didn't know pregnant women aren't supposed to stand up. Come help me to the bathroom, I need to pee."
She takes me there, all the while chattering about her escapades with Night eyes, and by the time I get to the toilet, I've peed a little on myself from how much she's made me laugh. She looks great and happy. So happy that she's still with Night Eyes after three months. That's a world record for her. My girl is finally growing up.
Once she helps me back to the bedroom and I settle comfortably on the bed, I flaunt my finger, the one on which the ring Ash proposed sits snugly. At first, she just stares at it, and then her eyes go big and round and her mouth opens up in an exclamation of surprise. Then she begins screaming and I have to close my ears to stop them from bleeding because Clarissa's lungs are strong.
Even Lily kicks my stomach in protest. When I feel it's safe to remove my fingers from my ears, I do so and she takes my hand and stares at the green ginormous ring. "Oh my God, it's so damn beautiful." She looks up at me and I can see tears shining in her eyes. "My bestie is going to be a married woman."
"Not just yet, Clar." I shake my head and tell her that Ash and I want Lily to be born before we get married, but there will be an official engagement party.
"You're seriously forgetting something," Clarissa says, cocking a brow. "Come on, 'Lis, how can you forget that you've got to do your baby shower first?"
I groan because she's correct.
"And that's what I'm here for. You just sit back and relax and I'll handle everything."
I sigh happily, because what would I have done without her? That would be a big fat nothing.
We talk some more before she leaves with promises of keeping me up to date with the baby shower which we agree should be in a month. Immediately she goes, and Night Eyes and Koldis come into the room, bringing with them flowers and chocolates. I squeal in joy on sighting the chocolates and immediately begin to eat them.
This is how Ash finds me - happily munching.
He shoos them out and carries me to the bathroom where he proceeds to give me a warm bath. His touch sets me alight with want for him, and so we make love slowly, and he brings me to feverish heights of ecstasy. With each thrust, I realize that he's a man I should not have sought out, a beast wearing a mask of righteousness as his disguise, a devil and an angel poured into the same amoral soul.
And I. . .a woman he shouldn't have indulged, a girl too willing to bloody her hands, speaking vengeance and justice in a single breath when they weren't the same thing. As I shudder from the climax, I realize that we should have stayed apart, should have sought individual redemption, but there was no redemption for those who cannot change what they are, and so we remain monsters of violence and regret.
As he releases his cum inside of me, I understand that beauty can be found in our acceptance of one another, and I will always love him for the ugliness lurking in his soul. I like to think he sees the same in me. I regret much in my life, but I will never regret meeting Ash.
Our bond has been baptized in blood, forged by death, agony, and torment. Both of us have lost our lives and have taken lives in return, so I will never trivialize either of our feelings ever again.