Fear floods my veins and makes that damn tightening in my chest act up. I sink from my chair onto the floor, unable to do anything, see anything. All that keeps playing through my mind like a loop are those words.
Don't fall down the rabbit hole.
I stare at my phone still gripped tightly in my hand and at the words. They mock me, laugh at me, and I just can't take it anymore. Anger rips through me, and through the pain, I decide once and for all not to be afraid anymore. I've gone through a life-altering situation. I've killed to stay alive also and I've lost someone precious to me.
What's one more problem that I can't surmount?
I will get through this just like I went through the others. With that knowledge ringing in my head, I pick myself up and dust my clothes off before sitting back at my desk, but not before I delete the message from Ash. I wade through the remaining pile of files on my desk effectively cutting off any distraction from my mind.
By the time 6 pm rolls by, I've finished all the work put in front of me. The senior accountant smiles at me as I place all the completed files on her desk and she waves me off with a parting shot to have a nice night. I'm feeling good as I practically skip out of the office. The air is crisp and I have a light feeling in my chest, the tightness, a thing of the past.
I stop dead when I see Dan standing in front of his car looking everything like an executive in a navy blue pin-striped suit, twirling his car key around his pinkie finger. When he sees me, his face lights up in a smile and he walks toward me but stops when he sees the look of disapproval on my face.
"Hi! I'm sorry I'm showing up like this but I called you severally as well as sent numerous texts but I didn't get any reply."
Why can't I be normal and have feelings for you?
I shake away my thoughts as I roll my eyes and huff. "That's the point, Dan. When that happens, the person usually doesn't want to be disturbed."
I didn't intend for my voice to come out as sharp as it does neither did I intend to be that blunt, but as a look of hurt streaks across his face.
I close my eyes as regret steals into me.
"You didn't want to see me?"
He sounds like a child who got his toy taken away from him. My feelings of regret quickly turn to irritation as I belt out. "Oh, for fuck's sake, Dan, can we not talk about this right now? I'm tired and all I wanna do is go home and see my baby."
He shakes his head, a look of regret taking over. "Oh, I'm so sorry, of course, how stupid of me.
Please, let me take you home."
Ever the gentleman apologizing through his hurt, unlike some other man that would have made a sarcastic remark. Why my stupid heart still pines for him is something I don't understand. I don't overthink it. If anything, he's doing me a favor so I manage a smile and thank him before getting inside the car. The drive is fraught with silence, interjected only with the soft stream of soulful music from the radio.
It doesn't take long before we're pulling up in front of Clarissa's parent's house. I turn to Dan at, the same time as he turns to me and we both smile as he gesticulates for me to go ahead and say what's on my mind.
"Well." I shrug. "I'm sorry if I've been overly blunt and-"
"It's nothing, I understand perfectly, you're going through a hard time, and-"
A shadow near the partly drawn curtains from inside the house catches my eyes and the rest of Dan's words get cut off.
". . . like you and want us to get-"
My mind keeps tuning in and out of what Dan is saying because that shadow against the window is of a man. A gasp hitches in my throat when the man fully appears against the window. He's backing it and seems to be talking to someone, but my heartbeat slams inside my chest when I take in his form.
I grab my purse and step out of Dan's car, raising my hand and saying a hasty bye before walking up the driveway. I stop in front of the door and close my eyes, swallowing audibly before opening it and stepping inside.
I walk through the foyer, making as little noise as I can and into the sitting room to see a sight that floods my veins with rage. Clarissa's parents sit on the couch side by side and in front of them is Ash. He's walking up and down, bouncing Lily in his arms and cooing at her. I unknowingly curl my fingers into fists on seeing this interaction taking place.
They don't even know I'm standing and watching them because Clarissa's parents seem completely enamored with Ash and the stupid sounds he's making to our baby judging from their happy, smiling faces.
"What. is. going. on. here?"
My voice is like ice as I step further into the sitting room. Clarissa's mom turns toward me and gets up with a beautiful smile but I ignore her. My eyes are on the man still holding my baby. He stops moving around and turns to face me. I momentarily flick my eyes from his face to Lily's, my gaze softening when she claps her hands together and her face lights up in a toothless smile.
Not waiting for an answer, I stride toward him, adrenaline pumping furiously through my veins as I rip Lily from his arms. "Don't you ever touch my child again." I can hear a ringing in my ears and can only put it down to how angry I'm feeling presently. "I thought I told you never to come back here again? What do you think you were doing holding my daughter?"
I don't even know I'm shouting at this point until Lily begins to wriggle and cry in my arms. I try to compose myself as I shift her to my hips and rock her but at this point, she's not pacified and her wailing only gets louder. Someone takes her from my arms and from the corner of my eyes, I see that it's Clarissa's mum.
"You better get out of here now before I call the police," I say to Ash, not waiting for his response before storming off to my room.
I walk into the adjoining bathroom after removing my clothes and take a shower. Once I'm done, I type my towel around my chest and step back into the room. My eyes land on Ash sitting on my bed waiting for me.
"What are you still doing here? I thought I told you to get out before I call the police?"
A smirk appears on his face as he takes his time to walk his eyes from my legs all the way up to my face. His gaze is insolent and hot, blazing a trail everywhere they look and leaving me feeling weak and flustered.
"Then call them. I'll be right here waiting."