Alexi just looks completely unemotional and moves back, giving me room as I slowly lower my limbs, but his eyes never leave mine. I wipe my face and grab the grey fur throw from the couch and haul it over myself pathetically; needing a moment to regroup and put this shit back to bed. I feel vulnerable and way too wide open and eye him with zero trust. Embarrassed, humiliated and aware that I just put myself out there in a stupidly vulnerable position.
I never fall apart anymore, I never let that stuff resurface and yet somehow the way he was being, the sense of being controlled and hurt, he brings it all back to the surface and has done from day one. I hate the effects he has over me and this was a mistake. A huge fucking mistake.
‘‘Who hurt you this way?’’ His question takes me completely by surprise and I just blink at him brokenly. It’s not a gentle probing question, but one of command and a need to know. Carrero always needs to know, always questions things, and yet never seems to give a truly human response no matter how sad the answer. There is something wrong with him mentally and he is completely broken as a person.
‘‘What?’’ I need more time to get my head together.
‘’Who hurt you?’’ He repeats it and sits on the coffee table, uncaring about being completely naked and clearly comfortable in his own skin. He just stares at me, with the same emotionless blank stare and waits for an answer. There’s nothing behind those pale eyes except calm, and I was wrong to think someone like him would feel anything for a woman being broken and tearful. It’s not a deterrent, and he probably wants to get it out and over and done with, so I will open my legs and let him finish what he was doing. He’s calculated enough to know it’s the fastest way to resume things.
‘’You did, on the floor. Leave me alone. I’m going to bed.’’ I try and deflect but when I try to get up he pushes me back down harshly, in no mood for games, and he’s in no rush to let me go either. I curse him internally and wipe another flood of tears from my cheeks, my body sagging with emotional fatigue and I have lost all cravings for hot sex now. ‘‘You belong to me … if someone hurt you then I want to know. I’ll take care of it.’’ Deadpan and completely serious. I blanch at him in stupefaction and then start to laugh manically, disbelievingly, and rather insanely.
‘‘Yeah sure Dahling, go find some fucking bastard who made my life a living hell long before your time. Good luck with that. What makes you are any better than him? You both figure you own me and I’m yours to do whatever you want to. The only difference between you and him is that you don’t hit me for your pleasure … yet—but you just inflicted pain on me in other ways so it’s not much of a step up.’’ I let out a sob and get angry at myself for letting him do this to me, letting him get to me. I get up shakily with my temper in full fury, no longer in control of the hot tears running down my face and Alexi doesn’t react, he just stands slowly and meets my small height. The throw is heavy and tugging down as I try to lift it up, but he just yanks it away and throws it down again. So I’m stood exposed, as he is, face to face.
‘’Are you done?’’ It’s all he fucking says, and I swear I seriously think about slapping him for a second time. I shake my head at him in disbelief and shove him hard in the chest so he moves back a foot. Hating him with venom and for once it might be nice to have his human side show up when I require its presence. Sometimes, even I long for someone to care.