It hurts so much to feel hurt.
The slow thudding of her heart threatened to stop forever, while the unshed tears got clogged up where it shouldn't.
It felt like a big hole has been punched through her chest, while breathing became impossibly difficult.
She wanted to do so many things and by things, she meant possible ways to hurt herself so that the pain she felt inside could be subdued by the pain outside.
A million thoughts raced through her head and a million feelings coursed through her blood, making her delirious.
Nothing felt right, not even breathing.
No matter how much she tried to hold herself together, she always seemed to fall apart like the water slipping through fisted hands.
She screamed, she shouted, yet her lips were sealed shut.
The darkness around her and the unending agony in her heart blurred her vision until she fell and fell into the bottomless depths of nothingness.
*******
My ears were ringing, no wait, they weren't. The high-pitched sound was deafening and no matter what, I couldn't keep my eyes closed. I was in a haze, a deep haze of limbo, and it was impossible to breakthrough.
What is happening?
I tried to wriggle, to break free, but my body was induced in sleep while my mind was wide awake, scared, and lonely. I could feel the wetness seeping from my eyes, down my cheeks, but even that couldn't crack my eyes open.
My soul was trapped into the cage, the jail that everyone calls a body. The high-pitched sound seemed to be coming from somewhere near me, very close yet so distant. Slowly I could trace its origin, and it horrified me when I realized that it was coming out of my very lips, my very body, and my very soul.
I woke up with a jolt, startled, and scared at what might have happened to me a few seconds ago. My body shivered as realization crashed upon me like thunder. I didn't want to step into the dark waters of my past again, so I diverted my mind somewhere else.
The stubborn eyes opened, at last, revealing numerous stars up above in the midnight sky. I rubbed my eyes and tried to get rid of the tear-stained vision, only to realize that I was not under the sky but under the ceiling of my own room. The darkness didn't let me see anything except for those fluorescent stars up above.
Those stars, I don't even know how many times I might have counted them when I went through endless insomniac nights. Maybe that's what happens to you when you are too scared to let others know what you feel inside. You are just used to offering that fake smile to everyone.
My mind still felt like a whirlwind as it tried to remember the events that might have happened before I went to sleep, but the hammering pain in my head didn't let me ponder about anything else.
The lamp beside my bed satisfactorily clicked on as I switched it. Surprisingly, my small analogue clock was nowhere to be found.
Maybe I smacked it somewhere in my sleep.
The heavy curtains perfectly hid the window from my vision, making me unable to understand the time. A distressed sigh escaped my lips as the wave of torturing headache kept on crashing in my skull. I pinched the bridge of my nose and decided to go downstairs and take some pills. I removed the soft velvety covers off my body and sat up on the edge of the bed.
Something was amiss.
I could feel a strange tension in the air, but could not put my figure on it. From the strange glow of the walls to the crinkly bedsheet. Something was definitely wrong. The bedside lamp cast a ghostly shadow all over the room. The lamp was enough to make things visible for me, yet it was not efficient enough to remove the dark demons in the corner.
I shrugged it off and went to the window to remove the red satin curtains. My hand touched the soft fabric to pull away from the shields, but I became dumbfounded when there was nothing to be protected from, from the other side.
The large gulp I took, subdued the scream that dared to break free from my body. I slowly took stealthy steps backward, but then I moved forward and traced my hand onto the wall where a window is supposed to be situated.
Tears dripped from my eyes unconsciously as my stubborn hands kept on searching for the window hopelessly. They gave up their frantic search and replaced it with punches aimed at the unmovable wall.
How is this possible? How did the window vanish itself? It's not possible to wipe out a whole window from a room! My room!
Unless...
I am not in my room...
I ran towards the closed door and pulled with all my might, yet the sturdy door didn't even budge at my pleas. My mind tried to come up with another idea as I made my way towards the bedside table to grab my phone, which I spotted earlier.
The screen easily unlocked as I entered my password, and I wasted no time to type in the three digits. As soon as I was going to press the call button, something happened.
The door creaked open behind my back as I stood as still as a statue. My whole body froze as I heard the clicking of the boots echoing off the walls. I could feel the hot breath of someone, fanning my bare neck, striking my whole being with goosebumps.
The phone in my hand slipped out of my sweaty and shivering hands while I cursed my clumsiness and my fate. My mind slowly traced its way back to the previous night as painful reminders coursed through my mind. I was broken out of my reverie by a very familiar voice, breaking my heart into two pieces.
"Tsk tsk tsk. Didn't your parents ever teach you to never open doors to strangers?"