Have you ever seen yourself in the mirror?
From an angle, you have never seen before.
The angle which you can't see normally.
And wondered...
That's me.
That's also me.
But I don't look like that.
That's how I feel.
That's how my situation feels.
I guess I should not be surprised after all. I am bound to this house, my past, by a red circle and no matter how much I try, I'll be dragged into this red circle again and again even if I run far away.
I don't like calling this place home any more because it never was. Home is not the place where you live with your family or friends or relatives. Home is where your heart is and my heart was smashed to clouds of dust in this very place. I don't exactly loathe this place but neither do I want to be here.
Undecided and lost, I went towards the kitchen to find nothing but memories. My footsteps were a little too loud for my ears in this piercing silence. Silence has never been so engulfing, so malicious and overpowering. My footsteps stopped on the doorway. I saw enough.
The yellow cabinets and the granite counters, the island in the middle, empty sinks and closed windows. Everything was empty and it was home. Home to cobwebs of dust and the lost past.
I turned around and moved away from the room where my mother used to spend most of her time when I was an undisturbed kid. I came back onto the foyer and stared at the dusty doorway and my handprints on them from not long ago.
I can easily get out of this door and clasp my freedom back into my fingers but obviously, it is not going to be that easy. There is some catch. There has to be. They won't ever leave me in this house alone so that I could run away from here.
The wooden planks creaked painfully as I made my way up the dusty stairs. They protested my intrusion to their undisturbed sleep just like the way I protested with the same vigor when my parents denied me the right to go to college.
I ran away from home.
They told me that if I won't go to college then they would kick me out on the streets, naked. I had to do what I had to do, and so I ran off. That is the boldest decision I have ever taken, and I am proud of that.
The webs of dust and soot-covered the whole hallway and the picture fewer frames were hung on the walls like a dead memory of this house. I don't know what happened to them and what might have made them leave this place but whatever the case is I hope nothing unfortunate happened.
All the doors were open but I did not want to tread in the dark shadows, too afraid of what might be hiding there. So I chose the dimly lit hall to walk through with the occasional groans from the wooden floor as my companion.
I had my eyes focused on the door at the corner. It was barely visible and you wouldn't know that it existed unless you lived there as I did. The door was perfectly molded into the walls, secluded and hidden from the common eye. I always thought that my room was my peaceful and unharmed Haven and no one could harm me there, but I was proved wrong yet again when my brother and father barged in on me that day and beat me up to unconsciousness. They destroyed me that day. Destroyed my hopes and wishes to live and I didn't even do anything.
I half expected the doorknob to turn in my hands and to open up the door to my room. I don't even know if it's my room any more. What if they turned it into a storage room? What if there is nothing but emptiness? I guess I'll just have to find out.
Unexpectedly the door opened with a swift movement and the first thing I noticed was me. Sitting on the floor at night and looking up through the window to up above in the sky, towards the stars. I always wanted to be like them, my dream was to become like them. Shining brightly up above and relishing the shine in the eyes of those who looked up to me.
On the other side of the room was my bed, tucked into the small corner of my room. I saw a girl there, sleeping, no not sleeping but crying into the pillow as her body jerked now and then from the whooping. She was young, she was naive, yet she went through such emotions that were not yet known to other kids her age.
I walked inside the room to console her but another girl, a little grown-up girl caught my eyes. She was sitting in the corner, staring into space, not even caring about the tear-soaked hem of her long T-shirt. Her stoic and emotionless face scared me and so did her unmoving body. She was paralysed.
I turned away from the corner and moved towards the empty bed and sat on it. There was nothing much in my room to ponder about. Just a bed, a few trunks, a bedside table, and a window. That was all that I could fit into this small room.
My hand grazed the thin comforter covering my bed and the small stains. Some were blood and some were tears. A soft crinkle resounded in my ear as I moved on the bed. A brown envelope laid there was staring at me. It was torn from one of the edges and it was empty. I turned it over to see the address and found out that it was very familiar. My eyes dropped down to the receiver which confirmed my previous assumptions.
What is the packaging envelope sent by Liza's grandfather doing here?