I knew it would happen. I woke up the next morning with the inside of my head
expanding and deflating in rhythmic booms so that it squashed my brain in and out
like an accordion. But it had been my intention, when I drove home in a daze the
night before, to blot out what I'd just seen. It wasn't my fault that I needed lots of
alcohol, two bags of Dorito's, a plate of vegetable samosas and a large slice of flan to
do that.
I peeled myself off the bed and in leaning forward I threw up in my mouth a little
and swallowed hard. I staggered into the corridor and looked into the hall mirror.
I noticed I was still in my clothes and I could see large rings of black mascara under
my eyes. Even though I knew it was my reflection, I shrank back thinking that
zombies were in the flat. I touched my face and groaned. Then I thought I heard
someone in the kitchen.
I ventured in and saw a tall, thin man wearing Riz's dressing gown stirring the
contents of a steaming cup, the spoon making a grating sound that hurt my teeth.
He turned to see me just standing there in the doorway. 'Here,' he said. 'I think your
need is greater than mine.' I took the cup and sat down.
'You're not Riz, are you?' I asked the tall man, just to be sure I wasn't hallucinating
too.
'No, I'm a friend. Riz is sound asleep.'
'Okay.' I hung my head over the cup and could feel the steam lulling me to sleep but
the coffee inside it compelling me to consume it. “Drink me,” it said, so I began.
'So, that Sam guy has a lot to answer for,' the tall man said as he took a seat
opposite me.
'You know about Sam?' I looked up sharply but it hurt my head and I massaged my
temple.
'We all know about Sam. What a fucking bastard,' he said.
'Don't call him that, you don't even know him.'
'Yes I do. You talked about him non-stop last night. You even sang me the song you
wrote about him.' He smiled, a white smile with overly ambitious teeth. They had
ambitions of getting to the other side of the room, minutes before the rest of his
face.
'Christ. I'm sorry.' I took another sip of coffee, and lowered my eyes. 'Wait. We
didn't do anything did we? I mean the fact you're in Riz's clothes means you spent
the night with her right?'
'That's right. Don't worry. No-one was in your room. The only shag you've had is
the one you had with Matt the other night. I was quite jealous of the size of his
manhood, by the way.'
'His manhood?'
'Yes that's what you kept calling it. I mean I was quite impressed by my nine and a
half inches before last night. That's above average I'll have you know. But it seems
Matt beats that by a mile and he's got girth going for him too, apparently.'
'Oh my God.' I pushed the cup to one side and lay my head on the table.
'Don't be embarrassed,' he said going to put the kettle on again. 'I know size does
matter for you girls. I haven't had any complaints so I'm not bitter.'
I looked through my messy hair and saw Riz standing by the door grinning like an
idiot.
'Riz, I'm sorry. I ruined your party after all.'
'No you didn't. You gave everyone something to write about. There was the salsa
dancing and the jive, the balancing of samosas on your nose and not to mention the
boob measuring competition.'
'I didn't!'
'No, you didn't. I just thought I'd add that in.'
Riz and her nine and a half inch penis friend sat opposite me with their coffees.
'So,' Riz said. 'Looks like a reconciliation with the groom must be well and truly out
of the question now.' Her face was serious.
'Looks like it,' I sighed.
'And probably for the best. It takes away the confusion.'
'What confusion?'
'After sleeping with Matt you said you were confused. So if you're leaving Sam, you
and Matt can...'
'I don't think so. I'm still a married woman and I seriously doubt Matt would be
interested. Not now. Not the way things have worked out between us all.'
'Why don't you all agree to share each other,' Riz's friend chipped in. 'Now that
would really be something to write about. Of course I'd change all the names,' he
said earnestly.
'Who are you?' I asked him. He reached a long tattooed arm across the kitchen
table.
'I'm Lennox, but I told you that last night.'
'I can't remember last night. I just know one thing. I need to sort out this chaos.'
'You need breakfast,' Riz said. 'We don't have anything in the house apart from left
over greasy food. We need to shop. Let's all go out for breakfast, plan your next
move and then...'
'No Riz. The last time we sat and planned my next move I ended up in Matt's bed.'
'You don't still blame me for that do you?'
'Er...No, well, not really. That wouldn't be fair. I've got a mind of my own. I knew
what I was doing.'
'So,' Lennox said, stretching out his arms, which I noticed were both tattooed, and
putting one around the back of Riz's chair. 'What has Matt got to say about all this?'
'Meaning?' I said, trying to knot my brow but finding it difficult to move my
forehead.
'Meaning – does he like you?'
Both Riz and Lennox then placed their elbows on the table, chins into their hands
and stared at me. I looked from one eager expression to the other and found myself
going cross eyed. I didn't know the answer.
'Well, he was the one encouraging me to take Sam back,' I said. 'So, I suppose, he
can't really like me at all. Can he?' Neither answered, they just sat there like
therapists waiting for me to start working things out for myself. 'Maybe I should
ask him if our night meant anything?'
'Are you asking us or telling us?'
'I don't know,' I admitted. 'Let's go and have breakfast. I'm getting in the shower,'
I said, standing. 'If you don't see me in ten minutes I might have passed out. Come
and save me.'
It was a balmy summer's day, more Madrid than London. I wore shorts, trainers
and a skimpy t-shirt with no bra. I couldn't do up the one I pulled out of the drawer
because my fingers ached as much as my head and neck. There was a soreness in
my ankle which probably had something to do with the salsa and jive I was
apparently doing from the night before.
The three of us had breakfast in the delicatessen come café about five minutes
away from the flat. Lennox was buying. I managed some coffee and half a croissant
before my stomach began to refuse admission to a single thing more. I noticed that
Lennox and Riz were getting very cosy and had wrapped their lean upper torsos
around each other while reading the same newspaper. My problems had taken a
back seat and once they started talking about a book on the review page of the
Telegraph, I thought it best to make myself scarce.
'I'll see you guys later,' I said. But I had no intention of going back to the flat. I knew
that look in Riz's eye. Lennox was in for a weekend of loving and I didn't want to be
privy to the salacious gasps and creaking bedsprings I'd overheard in the past
when Riz was horny.
I walked for ages and spotted a new shop I hadn't seen before. It was a gift shop of
sorts. One of those that sell handmade cards, picture frames and various artefacts
that are nice to look at but that you'd buy for a friend rather than yourself.
I thought of Julia immediately when I saw it. It was the type of place I'd go to buy
her a birthday present.
I could smell incense as soon as I walked in and there was the sound of a doorbell
as I entered. The woman on the till nodded at me and I smiled back while thinking,
please don't bug me to buy something I'm just passing time. Like an answer to my
prayer her telephone rang and she was distracted. I looked over my shoulder to see
her pick up some reading glasses before answering the phone and turned my
attention to the various gifts on display and I walked straight into someone.
'Julia!'
'Oh – Lori. What are you...? Are you all...? How are you?'
'How the fuck do you think I am?' The woman on the counter cleared her throat
and carried on speaking on the phone. I lowered my voice. 'You lied to Sam. You
little...'
'I can explain.' Julia looked over at the woman and nodded to the door.
'No! I'm not going anywhere,' I insisted. 'You might as well say what you have to
say right here and now so I can tell you what a two faced, cheating tramp you are.'
'That's a bit strong, Lori.'
'Strong? Strong? Is it stronger than seducing my fiancé?' I was aware of the
doorbell ringing as someone else walked into the shop but the new customer froze
when he sensed the atmosphere. The woman behind the counter had looked up
from her phone call. A lady who was already in the shop was trying to discreetly
look at Julia and me from in between the shelves that divided us.
'I wouldn't say it was seduction,' Julia said, her eyes roaming the inquisitive
customers and owner. 'Sam was willing. Very willing.'
'Well what man is going to say no to a pair of 36dd's shoved into his face?'
'I had my bra on, initially, thank you very much. I was playing a game with Sam,
seeing if he'd play along. You should thank me.'
'Thank you?' I looked at the woman behind the shelves, she was giving Julia dirty
looks and the man who'd just walked in had his hand on a scented candle and
wasn't moving. 'You want me to thank you for shagging Sam?'
'Let's get this straight.' Julia put her fists on her hips. 'In the first place, I didn't shag
Sam – we shagged each other.' We both looked around at the people in the shop at
that point and they quickly turned their eyes away. The man pretended he wanted to buy the scented candle, the woman on the other side of the shelf coughed and
the owner hung up the phone, even though I could hear someone still speaking.
'And you say that to my face as if it were nothing.' My lips were quivering when
I said those words and I was fighting to keep the tears pricking the lids of my eyes
at bay. 'I never want to see your face again, Julia.'
The shop fell silent. I turned around and left, marching up the street with enough
determination to make cracks in the pavement with my trainers. It's not that
I expected Julia to come running after me and I hadn't even covered the fact that
I knew Sam was at her place last night. I felt like such a fool.
But I was ready now. Ready to face Sam and ask for a divorce. It was over for us and
I couldn't wait to tell him so.