That evening I thought about Matt's reaction to our talk earlier. I sat in the living
room looking at my phone light up every time Sam called. I resisted picking it up
because an unknown force was telling me to wait. Wait for what I didn't know but
I kept letting his message go to voice mail and I didn't listen to a single one.
'Hey!' Riz leaning on the sofa behind me made me jump out of my skin.
'Shit!' I said, grabbing for my heart. 'What are you doing sneaking up on a person
like that?'
'I wasn't, I've been standing by the door talking to you for five minutes and you've
ignored me.' She came round and sat beside me. 'I was saying, I planned a little
soirée with a few of my writer friends. I hope you don't mind them coming over.'
'Of course not,' I said, with a crooked half smile. 'It might be nice to have people
over. Take my mind off things.'
Riz just stared at me and pulled a face.
'What?' I said. 'You don't want me here?'
'Well not if you're going to look all wrung out and sad. You should see your face.
I don't want you bringing everyone down and I don't want you going on about your
problems all night.'
'What a bloody cheek. As if I'd do that.'
'Look,' Riz said. 'You're insured to drive my car. Go out for a spin, or better still,
take a long drive. When did you last visit your mum?'
The door bell rang and Riz got up to answer it. I could hear kisses and greetings in
the corridor. I got to my feet. Riz was right, I was only going to ruin the night for her
friends so I decided I'd go out for a drive. Riz rarely used her car and mine was
parked outside my own flat.
I quickly grabbed Riz's car keys. I waved to her from the living room door and bade
everyone a good evening and not do anything I wouldn't do. They all looked at me,
bleakly. It was time for me to leave.
Riz's car was parked down the end of the road. When I let myself in it felt icy inside.
A bit like a crypt, I thought, even though I'd never set foot in one. The car smelt of
stale takeaways and I looked over my shoulder to make sure a homeless family
hadn't moved into the back seat. I'm sure I'd read somewhere that it had happened
to someone before. I shivered and wondered where I'd drive to.
I put the key in the ignition and turned it. The engine spluttered back at me and
sighed to a silent rebellion. Please, I thought. Please start. I tried again, nothing. I
put both hands on the steering wheel and bowed my head. I began to cry again.
Loud, hopeless sobs filling the cavity of Riz's Renault Clio. My hair covered my face
and my shoulders heaved up and down. Eventually there was banging on the
window. I looked up through scraggly hair and tears and saw a homeless man
peering in at me. I screeched, slammed the door lock down and tried the engine
again. It started. I pulled away while keeping an eye on the homeless guy. I actually
wasn't sure he was homeless when I think about it; he may well have been
someone asking if I needed help. I looked at him through my rear view mirror and
he was shaking his head at me like I was crazy.
I drove around for a while and then headed towards mine and Sam's flat in Fulham.
I got to the top of the road and wondered what I'd do if the lights were on. Would
I go in and talk to him or just drive by. Maybe I could circle the block and make a
decision. But the decision was taken away from me when I noticed there were no
lights on in the ground floor flat. I parked across the road and tiptoed across the
street. I opened the gate as quietly as I could and peered through the window. The
curtains were open and I could see across the open plan layout that there was no
one in the living room or the kitchen diner. It was too early for Sam to have gone to
bed but he had stopped ringing and texting me.
I went back to the car and wondered if he'd found his way over to Matt's. Were they
both sitting there now, discussing the whole ugly situation? Was Matt consoling
Sam? Did Sam still want me back? Had he given up on me? He'd stopped ringing
after all.
I felt like I needed a drink. I knew there was booze back at the flat with Riz and that
her friends had turned up with even more bottles and nibbles. I felt a pang of
hunger and realised I hadn't any money on me. If I could look happy enough, maybe
Riz wouldn't mind me joining them.
I was entering Wandsworth, thinking about food and drink and contemplating
going home, when I found myself driving back via Julia's house. I drove down her
street, even though it was out of the way but I felt compelled and, anyway, I needed
to be out as long as possible. I should at least allow Riz's friends to have had enough
drink in them to tolerate me.
To my surprise, there was a light on in Julia's living room. I parked the car and let
my curious feet take me to the front door. The curtains were closed but it didn't
seem as though anyone was in the living room. How come Julia was back and did
she know that I knew? Of course she didn't. Why would she? But it was strange that
she was here.
I rang the doorbell and waited, all the time fighting the urge to run away and hide
behind the hedge. But I would have to face her some time. There was no answer.
That made me even more curious and a wave of bravery overtook me as I rang the
doorbell again. Nothing. I must have waited a good few minutes, long enough for
someone to have come to the door, even from upstairs. I walked back to the gate
and looked up to the bedroom window. A soft lamp was creating a circle of light in
a corner of the room. Perhaps she's fallen asleep, I thought. Well at least I knew she
was back.
I got into the car and carried on down the road so I could turn and get back on
course. I drove slowly and my heart began to thump like crazy in my chest. I double
parked beside a Golf GTi. It was Sam's car. Sam was there. He must be up in that
seductively lit bedroom with Julia. I wanted their blood. Instead I drove home to
Riz's and let myself in as stealthily as I could. I stood in the kitchen, opened a bottle
of wine and began to drink from it.
Riz came into the kitchen after a tip off from one of her friends. She watched me
drinking without taking a break and then encouraged me to sit down.
'Here,' she said, putting some party food in front of me. 'You need to eat.'
After chomping down some nibbles, I consumed a lot more wine and then stumbled
into the living room. There was music playing and I started to dance, even when
everyone else was sitting perfectly still. Eventually Riz managed to stop my crazed
movements long enough to usher me to bed.
I had a restless, dreamless, night and I was dreading the morning coming round too
soon.