REGRETS AND WHAT IF'S. I've always been carrying my regrets and what ifs for so many years when it comes to mother. My regrets will always be embedded in my heart.
For the past years until now I've been regretting for being scared to face my mother. I wish I hadn't sent it out of fear. I wish I could have made him feel how much I love him even though I have a hard time accepting what he is becoming.
I wish I understood his situation better. Because if that thing happens to me, maybe I'll lose my sanity too. If God will take Caelan Rainer away from me then I think I will also lose my mind.
I wish I understood Mommy that she became like that because she loved Daddy so much. His body, brain and heart cannot accept that the person he loves is gone.
We don't know someone's point of view because we are not in their feet. but maybe if we are in their feet we can clearly understand them. We shouldn't ask them why they are acting like that because we are not in their place.
We have no right to ask because we don't know what they are going through.
I just realized it when it's too late. the promise I told my Dad vanished and got broken.
I was ashamed to face him thinking that I had not fulfilled my promise. I didn't keep my promise to visit Mommy and be strong.
It was too late when I realized that Mommy had left me forever.
Do I have the right to ask why? Because I feel like there is nothing. It's embarrassing to ask why he didn't wait for me.
Why Mommy? Why didn't you wait for me to visit you? Why didn't you wait for me to apologize because I wasn't a good son to you.
I know I'm hurt because you seem to have left me. But I felt sad too because I felt that I'm so useless as a child and a daughter.
But even if I'll regret it forever. It wouldn't change the past right? I can't bring you back just for the forgiveness I'm asking for.
I carry regret every day that I wake up. I didn't even know if I could forgive myself.
I came back from my thoughts when I felt a hand softly caressing my cheeks. I blinked countless times when my vision was getting blurry.
"You're crying again. We haven't even reached your Daddy's grave, you're already running out of tears." Rainer sighed while trying to dry my tears.
I sighed and bit my lower lip "I'm sorry," I mumbled softly.
He looked intently at me. He fixed my hair that was blow-dried.
"Regrets is useless in life Talliah, it's already in the past. All you have is now. You should not lock yourself by regretting things. You can't change what happened before. Some things our bound to happen. Even if you stop it to happen when it's written in the destiny. You can't stop it. throw your regrets away and live your life." Rainer mumbled while looking deeply at me.
"Your father and mother will surely understand you. Don't think too much. You understand hmm..."
I nodded but still not convinced if I can really forgive myself. Will mommy understand me? Will he understand why I find it difficult to visit and face him? My heart longs for it.
"Momma! Dadda! Come on! I'm excited to see Daddylo and Mommyla." Caelliah shouted, grabbing our attention.
Tallan is beside her curiously looking at us. I took a deep breath and sighed harshly. I didn't even keep my promise to visit Mommy when she was alive. I guess now I can visit her without life.
I also want to fulfill my promise to Dad that I will take my children to his grave. He deserves to know my twins and he deserves to know the man I love. The reason why I'm still alive right now. The reason why I keep on living everyday.
My chest tightened while looking at the two tombstones. My heart hurt so much seeing the names of the two people who made me for who I am today.
Rainer softly caressing my waist while also looking to my parent's tomb.
"Hi Daddylo! Hi Mommyla! Sorry if it took us so long to visit you. My name is Caelliah Raiah. Daughter of Caelan and Talliah. I'm so happy to meet you two. Mommy said you are the best parents for her. She always tells us stories about her childhood every time we go to sleep. Mommy said she misses both of you so much." Caelliah muttered while caressing the tombstone.
I bit my lower lip to stop myself from crying. But it's like so many needles are piercing my heart.
"Hi Daddylo, Mommyla. I'm Tallan Raelan. Son of Talliah and Caelan. Caelliah and I are twins. I wish I could meet both of you for real but I know it wouldn't happen. But it's nice knowing and seeing you two. My Mommy misses both of you a lot. I hope you can hug her right now and tell her that everything's okay." Tallan said while also caressing the tombstone.
"Tallan how to be you? I have a nosebleed," Caelliah said and pointed to her nose even though there was no blood.
I want to laugh but I can't. Rainer kissed my temple making me look up at him. He gave me a bright smile.
I put my chin on his chest "Can I cry hard right now?" I asked in a whisper.
Rainer nodded his head as he slowly wiped my tears away "You're already crying... so there's nothing I can do. Always remember that I can be your handkerchief and your tissue whenever you cry. I'm always here to wipe away the tears mo. I won't get tired." he mumbled softly while caressing my jaw.
I couldn't stop my tears from falling because of what he said.
He crouched a bit and kissed my eyelids softly.
"I love you so much Talliah." He whispered that made me breathless.
I caressed his cheeks and stared deeply at his eyes. why did I forget that he was the boy who wiped my tears one day in the park. He was that kid who made me stop from crying. He was that kid who always knew that I'm lying.
"I love you too Rainer. More than my life." I whispered that made him smile.
I held his hand and we both bowed so that we could look at the tombstone.
"Hi Dad... Hi Mom... I'm so sorry... for everything..." my lips trembled as I spoke.
"I'm sorry Dad, I broke my promise. I'll understand if you don't want to forgive me..."
But my heart hopes that you will forgive me. I didn't know Dad that at the time I left for the sake of the man I love I forgot my promise to you. I forgot about Mommy and it was too late because I found out she was gone. Maybe it's her time already.
Maybe God heard her suffering and let the both of you reunite again... A part of me is happy because you and Mommy will finally meet. I hope you can continue the love you had in another life. I always wish forever for both of you.
"Hi Mmy... I'm so s-sorry... I'm sorry for not understanding your situation. I'm sorry if I am too focused on my pain and not with yours. I'm sorry if I'm not there when you needed me the most. I'm sorry if I'm not a good daughter... I will understand if you can't forgive me... but a part of me wishing that you can understand me even if I failed to understand you... You know how much I love you and Daddy right? It's not easy to be alive in this world while the two of you suddenly left me."
"I am here to introduce the person who made me see the value of the life you gave. Way back I wanted so bad to end my life. Because there is no reason for me to live anymore. You and Daddy already gone. So what's my purpose to continue living right?"
Rainer clasped our hands together. Whenever he did this he always gave me strength to keep going.
"Those times when I felt like I just wanted to disappear. God gave me the reason to keep living. He gave me a man named Caelan Rainer. Who fixed my broken self. He was the reason for everything."
"I am so thankful 'cause I found him..."
"I hope you accept him for me. Because he is the only one I want for myself and no one else. I hope you will be happy for me. I hope you guide me and my family. I hope you forgive me. Dear I love you so much.thank you for bringing me into this world."
Rainer pulled me to his chest making me cry so hard. I clutched his shirt when I felt so many needles stab my chest. I could hear Caelliah crying on the side while Tallan was putting her down.
Rainer suddenly cleared his throat.
"Hi Sir, Ma'am. I'm Caelan Rainer Vassamonte. The boyfriend of your daughter. I know you didn't know me well but I assured you that I will take care of your daughter with all my strength and with all my heart. I promise to love her the best way I can. I promise not to hurt her in any way. I promise to protect her and my children forever. I hope you will like me for her."
"But even if you don't like me... I will still go to marry your daughter and make her mine forever. I want her to be forever obsessed with me... Only to me and not with someone else." rainer said with finality in his voice.
My heart started to beat rapidly inside my chest at his words.
Rainer is right I shouldn't lock myself with all my regrets. I should live my life the way it is. I should forgive myself to free myself from all the pain.
I can't get rid of the pain if I carry it every day. I'm just torturing myself. Mommy's death was one of the reasons why it was difficult to return.
Stepping into this place is like a wedding again. I wasn't even there the day he was buried. I felt so ashamed.
I am the only daughter but I am missing in my mother's burial. What kind of daughter am I? I am so guilty and sad.
So I didn't have the courage to go back then because I was struggling. It's so hard because I treasure everything in my heart. I want to scream in pain but I know no one will listen.
Because the person who is willing to listen and understand me. I left. When I left, there are so many things that I left in here.
So maybe it's time for me to forgive myself. Six years is already enough to end my suffering. I wanted to be happy with my family.
Starting now I'll throw my regrets and what ifs away. I want to face another day with positive vibes. God, thank you for bringing Caelan into my life. I finally found my reason to keep living.
I finally found him. I finally found my life and my home.