The mug I held warmed me up perfectly as I stood on the balcony, feeling a bit chilly. I let the night breeze mess up my hair. Occasionally, I took a sip from the mug, jasmine tea, savoring each sweetness that touched my taste buds. I didn't care if I caught a cold later.
My thoughts drifted to everything that was happening right now, including my conversation with Naomi on the way home from work. She scolded me harshly, even called me stupid. When Naomi used harsh words, it meant she was very angry.
"I might just terminate it. It's not big yet," I said lightly, not looking at Naomi who had been silent since she got into the car. She had asked about my condition earlier, and I had only answered that I was feeling better thanks to the eucalyptus oil.
She said it was possible that I couldn't handle strong fragrances. She also added that hormones of young pregnant women were indeed weird and unpredictable. I knew for sure she was telling me that from an article she had read. Just like Dona.
And I felt like it was right to talk to her about my decision and the future of this new life in my body. I didn't mind bringing Dona into this conversation, but I felt more comfortable talking to Naomi. She was two years older than me. I considered her like my sister here, in Washington DC.
"What did you say?" Naomi asked, glancing at me. I could see from the corner of my eye that her aura immediately turned gloomy. The way she talked had changed too. This made me see her as an older sister. Naomi had an aura of intimidation that made both me and Dona often obey her orders.
"I might just terminate it."
"Are you crazy?"
I remained silent.
"Yeah, don't be absurd. Apart from your foolishness with Cedric, the baby is innocent. If you intend to do that, you're a murderer, Anya. Have you thought about it? The guilt that will haunt your life? Your whole life, Ya. Your entire life!"
I had thought about it. Regardless, I was the one at fault. Because of my stupidity, I got pregnant. There was a living being breathing through my life.
"You talk to Cedric. I'm sure he'll take responsibility. He seems like a good guy."
"I'm not just looking for someone to take responsibility, Naomi."
I heard her sigh of frustration. "What then? Love?"
I shook my head firmly and decisively at Naomi's words just now. "I'm not thinking in that direction. My love is also dead."
Naomi scoffed. "Talk to Cedric. Discuss the way out. At least, so that the baby won't be born without a father, Anya."
"What are you even thinking about, Naomi?" I dared to look in her direction. I no longer cared how emotional I had become lately. I could cry again. "Are you thinking about my life? Everything I've achieved now? What will my life be like in the future?"
"Are you afraid of being poor because of having a child?"
I shook my head again. "I've been poor for a long time, Naomi. I live a comfortable life now because of hard work that knows no time. And I appreciate it all. All of it, without exception." Tears continued to flow. "Then, I have to compromise because of this baby? Is that it?"
Naomi fell silent. Her hands gripped the steering wheel tightly, I could see that.
"And I can't guarantee that Cedric will stay with me forever. With me being like this. I don't know why, but I believe Cedric has a great potential to leave me. I'll end up living alone with my child. I've had enough of being abandoned, Naomi. I've had enough."
"And it's this decision that you're making, Anya? You can live together with your child. Hap—"
"Which happiness are you talking about? Every time my child asks where their father is? Where he works? What he looks like? What do I answer, Naomi? What? I don't want to answer all those questions if Cedric leaves me someday. It's better to go back to the beginning. There won't be a baby, and I'll only know Cedric to a certain extent. Simple, right?"
"You know, Anya, your mind is too overly negative."
I turned my face away, letting Naomi focus on the steering wheel again, although she occasionally tried to engage me in conversation, I refused. I felt my decision was very right. No party will be harmed, right? Neither me nor Cedric. Instead of letting this drag on, I might as well inform Cedric.
Oh, I'm not ready at all to face so many fears that will directly target me. It's possible that rumors will spread that I'll marry Cedric. The office boy. Not to mention the judgment about how unbalanced we are in the company's organizational structure. Let's not forget Krystal, my boss.
No. No. It's an extremely risky choice. I already dipped myself into foolishness once. For this time, I am sure my choice is not wrong.
"I hope you reconsider your intention. I'm serious, Anya. A child cannot choose whose womb they are born from. Right now, you are bestowed with the most prideful thing for a woman. Think about that."
I just nodded, letting Naomi's car leave the lobby of my apartment.