"Dave," Daze sat beside me but I didn't talk to her. I was not on my own sitting and staring dumbfounded. "Dave, everyone left, come on! It's already night." Still, I did not answer. It was as if I heard nothing, in other words, I did not want to understand what she was saying.
"Daze, you can go. I'll take care of Dave."
"But I want to stay with him, Dylan." I didn't hear anything from Dylan until he speak again. "Dylan, please. Can I stay? I want to comfort Dave, too."
"Fine." I heard Dylan agree with Daze.
"Thank you."
Everyone left aside from me, Daze and Dylan. My other siblings and daddy went home first because mommy was rushed to the hospital. I was just stunned as I sat across from Lileth's grave and stared at her tombstone. 'Lileth Aragon Dy'. My tears just kept flowing but nothing came out of my mouth.
Is she really dead? Is she the one inside? Why does it seem like only yesterday she was with me? And now she is there underground. I don't want to believe, I don't want to accept but my eyes saw her lifeless body.
The cut and suture in the chest down to the abdomen and back where the parts inside her body were taken does not resonate. I cleaned her from head to toe and I wanted to think she wasn't that. I want to believe it's different and it just looks like her but the mole on her shoulder isn't lying. Her heart-shaped mole on her stomach was there.
Prosthetic, as in shows. But no, and whatever I thought would have been like that already knew it wasn't like that. Because it was very clear in my eyes that it is her…. Lileth my wife. He was lying there lifeless.
She left me. She really left me. I remember when I told her to leave me and she said when she left my side she would leave forever, and she mean it, literally she left me. At that time I was so happy, but why now the pain and it seems like I just want to follow her. I can't handle this fucking pain.
"Dave, I don't know how to comfort you, but I will listen to your rants. You can talk to me."
I remain quite. I do not know what to say. Where and how do I start. I feel nothing now but pain and regret. It hurts me to lose her next to me and I also regret that I wasted the time we both spent together.
My wife did not deserve this. She didn't deserve to be hurt at the beginning of our relationship and disappear while still hurt. Why? Why? Why did this happen to her? Why?
"Dave, we're here. I am here. We will never leave you." Daze cry and put her head on my shoulder. "Please, stay strong."
Strong? What does it mean at this time? How can I be brave if the one gives me strength is gone? Where can I draw my strength if its source is already buried in the ground?
"Come on, please talk." I can't talk. I feel like my soul has disappeared from my body as well and I can just see my body sitting and looking at what is around me. "Dave?" Daze call me and cried. She turned to me and touched my face. She looked at me but I could only stare at her. She looked up and spoke to someone.
"Dylan?"
"Let him. Let him feel the pain of losing someone so he can accept fully that she's already gone. That his wife is gone." Daze looks at me again and hug me.
"I love you, Dave. I will stay with you."
I don't need anyone right now. I want my wife. I want her with me. I want her to come back to me and we are together again. I want us to fulfill the dream we both have. But how do I get her? How do I get her back? How can I get her back next to me?
I wasted her. I wasted the two of us together. I wasted the woman who did nothing but love me and take care of me. The woman I first loved and promised to be last. I wasted my dreams on a family that I wanted the two of us to fulfill.
"Dave, let's go." I look at Dylan and then shake. I don't want to go home. I don't want to go home and come home without my wife. I am not yet ready to accept that she is no longer with me. I'm not ready to go home yet that she won't meet me.
"Dave, let's go home," Daze said.
"Dave, it's getting late. Let's just come back tomorrow or the next few days. Come on!" I could do nothing but follow them. Dylan and Daze support me. I look at her grave and keep crying. Is it really gone? Is my wife really gone?
How do I get started now? How am I going to start my life without Lileth by my side? How can I wake up in the morning that I can no longer see her face? Who will I hug? The one next to me? Who do I talk to the night before bed? And will I say everything I want to say?
I can't find any answer with all of that. And I know there is no answer as well. And now, one thing that I only know ……. I'm alone because my wife is gone.
We got in Dylan's car and I sat in the back. Daze occupies the passenger seat and occasionally she looks at me. I am looking outside and gazing at Lileth's grave. Until we get out of the cemetery I don't take my eyes off her grave.
"Dylan, is Dave really okay?"
"I would be lying if I said yes because you see no."
"What we do?"
"Nothing, let him. We can't do anything because only he can help himself."
"Dave?" I did not look at her. I just sigh and keep looking outside. "Dave, I am hurting seeing you like that." Daze started to cry so I cried even more.
"Daze, don't cry," Dylan said.
"I am sad and hurt seeing you hurting like that. I'm not used to it, Dave. I'm used to you being rude and calm. You can do that, brother. You can handle it." And I heard her cry out loud.
When we got home I went down first and entered. I didn't wait for them to follow me. I just go straight and don't care around. The maids greeted me but I ignored them. I went straight to the bedroom and opened the door.
The room greeted me with silence and loneliness. The surroundings sympathize with the grief I am going through. It was as if every corner of it was crying just like me. I quickly closed the door and walked toward the bed.
I sat and took the pillow and then hugged. I smell her scent that covers everything here. The door opened and closed again then Dylan and Daze entered.
"Dave-"
"Let him."
They were just standing by the door looking at me. I hug the pillow and cried.
I feel so empty. I feel alone. Going home without my wife pains me like I am wanted to die also. No voice came out of my mouth while crying. I wanted to shout but I couldn't. I want to get lost but I can't. My strength was exhausted by the fact that my wife is gone.
This room is filled with loneliness. When I was still angry with her it was enveloped in anger and hatred. But when it was ok we were replaced by fun. More fun and excitement are contained here. When we were ok we did nothing but laugh and have fun in this room.
This room witnessed everything that happened to us. And now, it will also be a witness to the pain I will go through. I do not want to accept. I can't accept. But I have to accept that my wife is gone. She is gone and left.
I have to accept that I am alone.
"Lileth!" My voice echoed when I scream her name. My voice cracked as I sobbed and called her name over and over. Hoping someone will answer, or else she will come in and wake me up from this nightmare. That all this is just a dream. I want to just dream it all up. I will wait for my wife to wake me up as she hugs and caresses me to calm me down.
"Lileth!" My voice echoed around the room.
And ……… . and I was struck by the fact that Lileth is gone. My wife is gone and it's not a dream. She is dead, my wife is dead and will never return.