"It's getting cold. We can go inside the car." Lileth's head rested on my shoulder. I hugged her in support. We are here on the beach watching the sunset. We sat on the bumper of the car.
Since we became ok and I could approach her we went out often. As I promised, I wasted no time with her. I want to spend my time with her. If only I could spend more time with her than I do at work I would. But I can't quit my job either.
"In a moment, I want to watch the sun go down," she said.
"OK." I no longer complain. I adjusted the blanket we had brought because the breeze was getting colder. We just watched the orange sun about to set. The wind is getting colder on my skin but I'm fine.
"Dustine?"
"Yes?"
"It's fun to watch the sunset isn't it?"
"Hmph."
"It's fun but it hurts."
"It hurts?" I ask but she is not looking at me but at the sun.
"Yes, because you know another day has passed and will never come back. A day that can be wasted because it was not appreciated by others or can also give joy to others. But it's both painful because what happened that day can't be undone."
"I don't get it, Lileth." She looked at me then smiled and looked at the sun again.
"At sunset, it carried everything that happened during its stay. When it returns the next day, it will gather something else to take with it. It can be sad, it can be happy but whichever of those two it brings will have the same painful result as what it can carry ---- and that's us."
"Spill it all, I still don't get."
"Everything we have done today cannot be repeated and corrected. If you have been hurt today, you will not be able to go back today to do what you did well. Even if you recover a few more times the fact that you hurt someone today still won't change. Whatever you recover will not be lost because this day has passed and you will not be able to return for repair."
Then she looked at me.
"It's the same with fun. All the fun you experienced during the day is that it is irreversible. Maybe, you can repeat it, but not like how you did it. You may experience even happier the other day but there is no denying that sometimes you want to come back because it is happier for you than it is now."
I did not say anything. I just stared into her eyes staring at me too. And I only see one emotion --- sadness. Is she referring to us? Does she say that no matter what we will do we will never be able to repay?
"So it's still important to make the most of the day's stay with everything that's important to you. Because once it's gone it will not return as before. The day, the date, and the month repeat but what happened is no more."
"Lileth, why are you saying that? Are you saying that no matter what I do, you will never forgive me because I have wasted so much?"
"That's not what I meant, Dustine."
"Is there something wrong?"
"No, I just want to say that if I regret something --- that's why I didn't tell you the truth. I have a lot of opportunities to tell you the truth and be honest, Dustine. But I prefer to keep it a secret over and over again. Even if I wanted to correct my mistake, my lying, I could not go back to what happened. Even if we recover now, there is no denying that we have hurt each other. Our relationship is broken, and there is a streak of pain and mistrust."
"Lileth, I haven't lost my trust in you. I am lacking in you, and I am at fault. I know it's not that easy for us to get rid of the pain we've been through but I believe it's okay. To this day there is still a chance that I blame myself. But I believe that one day all the pain we went through will disappear and it will be replaced by joy."
She smiled at me and held my hand.
"I'm sorry if we wasted so many days because of me."
"We'll take it all back."
"I was not mistaken that you are the one I love. My only mistake was to hurt you, Dustine."
"We just feel the same way, Lileth."
"Dustine, I want us to be happy until the end."
"That will happen, we are just started."
"I hope that as the sun goes down, the pain of our past disappears, Dustine. And I hope your resilience is like the day." I kissed her hair when she said that.
No one spoke to us anymore. We just waited for the sun to set. As I watched it slowly sink in I was stunned.
I hope that at sunset she will also carry my troubled mind. Hopefully, when it sinks it also carries the feeling that I can't explain. The turmoil in my heart and mind that I still carry with me. Because there is only one thing I want now, to have a calm heart and a peaceful mind with Lileth. With my wife.
We are here and we are together. So it just has to be until the end and nothing more. I don't want chaos anymore and I want silence.
"Dustine."
"Hemp?"
"It's getting cold."
"Come on and let's go inside." I adjusted her and went down first then helped her down. I opened the door for her and then I entered the driver's seat. "Are we going home?" I ask.
"Up to you, but if you want to go somewhere else it's ok s -----"
"Lileth, are you ok?" I asked a worried question when I saw her holding her stomach. She leaned back in her chair then looked at me and laughed.
"Just a joke." I stared at her because of what she said. "I'm fine, Dustine."
I look at her smiling at me. Fortunately, she is no longer in pain. She is no longer fainting. She says it's just that she's getting sick because of stress. But now she's ok. I don't see her hurting as much as she used to.
"Stop scaring me like that, Lileth. If before I didn't care because of anger, now I am very worried when I see you hurt."
"Yes, I won't do it again."
"Kiss me so I don't get angry," I said and I saw her smiling she then crawled closer to me and kissed me on the lips.
"There, is it ok?" she asked.
"Not enough. One more." She kissed me again and this time she took longer to apply our lips.
"There, is it ok?"
"I want to be passionate." I grabbed her and her kiss her. I slowly lowered the chair so we lay down and he was on top of me. When our lips parted I looked at his face. "I am so damn in love with you, Lileth."
"I love you so much too."
"You're the only one Lileth, you're the only one I love." I want to feel like she's alone. I just want her forever. She is the only one I want and no one else. She should just be and no one else.
"Just where you're happy I'm there, Dustine."
"I'll be happy with you."
"Thank you, Dustine."