I used to believe there was nothing more agonizing than what I went through, but now I'm being forced to feel it twice as much. It's been two days since I found out about the deaths of my pet kitten and my unborn child, but I still don't know how to accept it. I felt like I was losing my mind.
Angel suffered a deadly wound that resulted in significant bleeding before she passed away. Unfortunately, I dropped her after getting hit on the head, and a shard of glass punctured her chest. While I lost my baby because my body was weak and I was under a lot of stress, I also had to be injected with some drugs.
I couldn't help but hold my deflated stomach as I stared out the window. I don't know which is more painful: losing a child that you know you are carrying or losing a child without even knowing that there is a life that is still forming inside your body. I sighed and tried to swallow the pain that was blocking my throat. I want to cry, but my eyes feel so tired. It seems that even those are numb and don't know how to function anymore.
Zachary and I returned to Aunt Victoria's house, where he decided to go home so that they could support me. I don't know how he is able to prioritize me at this time, even though he is also carrying the pain I feel. In the few days that I was admitted, I could clearly see how he was secretly devastated by the loss of our baby. I wouldn't be surprised if Aireen knew what happened because she had also visited me before. I was really the only one left without knowing, and I understand why they were able to hide that from me.
Maybe. . . Maybe if I had known the truth right away, I would have gone crazy and decided to end my life. I can no longer think about the people who hurt me, us. I just want to be with my kids; I'm going to let go and give up. Even though there is a little resentment in my chest, I am still grateful for his secrecy. If he hadn't done that, I wouldn't have seen someone supporting me. Despite his destruction, I was his reason to fight.
A knock brought me back to reality. At the same time I turned to the door, Zachary entered the room where we were staying. We both looked at each other. No words came out of our mouths, but our eyes were enough to make us feel that we were both hurt.
He sat next to me and then imitated my view of the window. "Do you have any more medicines?" he asked softly after a few seconds of silence.
I know what kind of medicine he is referring to.
I couldn't help but stare at his face, causing him to slowly look back at me. "You know we have no future together, but you still love me. You still want me." I said instead of answering him.
Little by little, his eyes softened, and I smiled bitterly. "You, Zach? Have you asked yourself how you have been?" I continued.
"I'm . . . I'm okay," He seemed unsure of his answer. "Don't mind me."
"Do you think I'll be fine if you don't take care of yourself?" I let out a deep breath. "I'm not the only one who needs healing, Zach; you need it too."
He didn't answer right away. His eyes flickered in sadness, and he then shook his head. It is said again that he hates himself to be well.
"Thelmo," I said briefly, then slightly looked up at the ceiling. I could feel his stare—waiting for what I would add. "Let's make an appointment with him."
I felt him shift in his seat. "A-Are you sure?" he stuttered. "I mean, are you ready for that? You're not doing this because of me, right?" he asked one after another.
I looked at him again. His eyes were slightly wide and his mouth was hanging open; obviously, what I said was unexpected. I smiled at him sparingly.
"Zach, why do you think I came back here with you when I could have left?" I asked slowly. "It's because I know, deep inside my heart, that only you can fully understand the pain I feel. Maybe at this time I'm looking for sympathy. I'm afraid to be alone because I feel like I'm going crazy. I know we are both hurting, but you are still the one I can hold on to in these times, and I want to do the same for you. I also want you to lean on me."
"A-Atasha..." he couldn't believe it while looking at me fondly.
"Maybe our love can't be restored like before, but we are the parents of our lost children. We can't seek justice and face the people who wronged us if we are both broken." I took a deep breath and turned my attention back to the ceiling. "I've been there. With anger in my chest, I returned to all of you. Maybe I slowly got the revenge I wanted, but I don't want to admit it. I'm exhausted."
I felt him holding my hand.
"It's like I'm walking on a path full of thorns while barefoot. The farther I get, the more and more the thorns get buried in my feet." I smiled sparingly. "I was so blinded by my anger that I forced myself to hurt myself even though I could remove them so that I could pass safely."
I don't know if Zachary understands what I'm saying. I just used the silence between us to calm myself down. He needs me to get himself together, and I need him to get through all of this.
"I'll talk to him. I will set an appointment," he said, breaking the silence.
I looked at him. For the first time, despite the intense pain in his eyes, I saw him calm down for a moment. As if I brought a little light to the dark world he sees.
"This time, we'll mourn, cry, heal, and fight together, Zach." I held his hand back. "I can't force you not to blame yourself because... I admit that I am like that too, but you don't have to burden everything. You can't watch over me forever; everything happened because there were people who really wanted to destroy us. Even if you are there or not during those times, the result was the same because of their selfishness."
He took a deep breath and looked down, biting his lower lip. "I don't think I deserve this," he said, pointing to what I was doing and saying.
I tried to smile and then released my hand from his. I grabbed his face and lifted it toward me. There was a tear on his cheek that I promptly wiped with my thumb.
"Zach, you don't deserve to take the blame that you didn't commit. You are also a father who lost a child. You were also hurt, and just like my world, yours is also crumbling," I said, then gently brought my lips to his forehead and planted a kiss on him there.
His shoulders started to shake. I gently pulled him closer to me and hugged him sweetly. I made him feel that I was here for him as well. He continued to sob on my shoulder while hugging me tightly. I caressed his back.
"We'll get through this," I said softly, even though I was losing hope.
Angelei. . . Angel. . . Angelus. . . Wait for us. Mommy and Daddy will just build themselves.
"After we fix ourselves, together we will seek justice for our lost children," I continued.