CHAPTER FORTY TWO
ROXANNE
“I was eleven when I first killed someone,” Ryker said and gulped.
I watched his expression. It shifted from time to time. Firstly his eyes reflected pain, then anger and then his gaze was cold. I swallowed. “You don't have to talk about it.”
He shrugged his shoulders, “I've told you almost everything I need to tell you. There's no need to stop now.”
I chose my next question carefully. “How did you feel when you had your first kill?”
He laughed heartily and smiled at me.“Scared and excited.”
“You're so sick,” I teased.
He sighed. “My father gave me his dagger and told me ‘pick out any of the people you want dead’ and trust me there were quite a number of them that I wanted dead.”
I stared at him in silence. “You've had enemies since you were eleven?”
“Yeah,” he said truthfully. “They said they didn't want a weakling and a crybaby for an Alpha. When I couldn't decide, my father brought out Beta Miles’ father and asked me to kill him.”
My mouth gaped open and I shook my head slowly, “tell me you didn't.”
He closed his eyes. “There was some sort of beef going on between them and my father wanted me to end him so he wouldn't have his blood on his hands. I was scared.”
I reached out to caress his back again when his breaths became more ragged like he was revisiting his worst nightmare. “I was going to run away but the guards wouldn't let me. They kept me still and my father told me it was part of my training and I shouldn't disappoint him.”
“I yelled at him and told him he was a monster and that I hated him. Seeing I wasn't going to make a move, my dad slashed me in the arm with the dagger and handed it back to me.”
My throat suddenly went dry. I knew for sure Zane didn't go through this sort of training but he still derived pleasure from killing people, especially the innocent ones– because they were fragile.
And for people like Ryker, his father was just cruel. Evil wasn't taught, it was born. It grew and lived till it couldn't be contained.
“What did you do?” I asked, terrified of his response.
“I took the dagger from my father and each time I hesitated, he slashed me. Till I couldn't bear the pain and his taunts anymore and–” he paused and drew in a sharp breath. “I stabbed Miles' father. I stabbed him deep in the jugular, knowing he wouldn't survive. My father praised me but I felt irritable. I hated myself, blood was on my hands the way I had always seen it on my father’s. He patted me on the back and told me I was his son.”
I felt sick from listening. I wanted to throw up. I should be judgemental but I found myself resonating with Ryker. I was just like Ryker, that was how I did everything bad and good to make my brother like me but he never did.
He averted his gaze from the sky and rested them on mine. “I felt hatred towards my father and myself. When I looked back, I saw Miles’ mother staring at me with tears in her eyes. Miles was not there, so he didn't see it happen. I kept telling her sorry and sorry till I went to my room.”
“It's not your fault,” I reminded. “You had to.”
“I know,” he said. “I was trained in the worst way mostly because Red Moon is all about war. Now, when I kill people, I don't feel a thing.”
“Did you have a bond with your father?” I pried, wanting to know more about this Alpha.
Ryker shook his head. “I never had a close relationship with my father. I didn't like him. I didn't know anything about him except that he killed people and made them sorry. My father was ruthless,” he looked at me. “I'm not like you Roxanne. I didn't have great parents like you.”
I squeezed his hand. “Don't say that.”
He shrugged. “You don't expect me to paint a picture of a perfect family to you, do you? I mean, they exist but I wasn't lucky enough to have that. All my parents ever gave me was life, I did the rest myself.”
“Your mom wasn't like your dad, right?”
I saw a smile play on his lips and then he stopped smiling. His red eyes were full of rage and he tensed up. “My mom,” he said, “She was divine. I loved her. She was everything you could ever get in a mom but she was flawed.”
I arched my brow. “You didn't like your mom because she was flawed?”
“I'm not a perfectionist, Roxanne, but my mom was way too flawed. But she wasn't like my dad. I told you I didn't want to be an Alpha because I was scared of becoming like him. My dad didn't like me because I wouldn't go his way.”
This man had it way too fucked up and I hated how calm he looked. If we had switched lives I would've long committed suicide.
“He wanted you to do everything he wanted?”
Ryker nodded and ran his hand through his hair. “My dad was this type of father who never let children live their lives how they wanted. He always wanted them to act and live how he pleased. It was more like he wanted a version of himself that he couldn't be, in me.”
“That's fucked up,” I muttered.
“Yeah. Selina was the one who won in that aspect. She loved my father and always wanted to please him but I didn't,” he turned to me, “can I tell you a secret?”
I nodded, finding it hard to believe that Ryker wanted me to know a secret of his.
“My mom was supposed to be my first kill.”
I stared at him dumbfoundedly, unable to process the information. “I don't know how many of these I'm going to take in.”
“Yeah, I got fed up with my mom at some point. Told you she was sick yeah, so my dad thought I hated her and he suggested I get rid of her since she was nothing but a problem,” he sighed. “I feel so embarrassed, telling you all these.”
“Shut up,” I whispered in a playful tone and then suddenly realized I had actually told the Alpha to shut up. I froze. “Um I didn't mean you should really shut up, I just meant it the friendly way if that makes sense.”
“You feel sorry?”
“I'll rather bleed than feel sorry,” I said almost immediately and grinned. “ P.s, I bleed every month so I guess you know.”
He stared at me, irritated. “You're so gross.”
“Duh. Tell me, tell me,” I urged.
We laid on the sand again with our eyes fixed to the sky. I propped myself on my elbow and turned to him. “ Can I tell you something?”
He nodded, staring into my eyes intensely.
I played with my fingers nervously. “Don't tell me just one conversation has made you fall in love with me?”
Did he have to be so goofy when I'm serious?
I slapped him on the arm and chuckled. “Stop it please. I'm being serious.”
He smirked.“My bad.”
“I've always wanted to know what it's like to kill someone,” I said and slowly met his gaze.
He looked at me for a while and looked away. He was quiet for a while and it made me uncomfortable. “Don't get me wrong, I don't have killing instincts, I'm just curious to know what it feels like.”
“I don't know what to describe it. The first time I was scared and after then, it had only felt natural. But you've killed someone before— my guards.”
“I don't remember doing it. I blacked out. All I knew was when I opened my eyes I was covered in their blood. I've not really felt it. The pain.”
“Okay that's sick. Just keep being the pack's princess and stop thinking of killing. It's not fun. The first person you kill is always on your mind because then you say to yourself, this is who made me a killer. And not everyone kills because they want to. There's always a reason.”
“Like vampires?”
He nodded, “yeah they're built that way. If they must survive, they must kill. And for other people it's either for revenge or because they were forced to.”
I pursed my lips. “I want to get revenge.”
“Why are we saying this?”
“Because even though I hate your guts, I'm comfortable telling you things,” I said with a genuine look in my eyes.
“Who do you want to get revenge on?”
I sighed. “I don't know. But I know someday, I will get revenge on someone.”
“Do you have to kill them, since it's the future and you have no idea who this person is,” he said.
“You won't teach me how to fight. You don't want me to train,” I said, searching his eyes. “How am I supposed to defend myself?”
“Roxanne…”
“No,” I said. “I'm in Redmoon where everyone is exceptionally good at something and I just want to blend in. I don't want to be an outcast over here.”
“Let's give it time.”
“To think? You don't want me to learn, Alpha. I want to know how to fight. I want to be able to stand up for myself.”
“You already do that with your mouth.”
I screamed in frustration. “I'm not going to be the damsel in distress. I don't need a prince to save me. I can save myself. But if you're not going to let me learn, I will use blades.”
Ryker nodded and dipped his hand into his pocket and retrieved a dagger. He placed it in my palm.
I stared at the weapon and caressed its cold blades with my fingertips. “What am I to do with this?”
“Stab me,” he said.
“What!?” I choked. “Are you crazy?”
“Stab me anywhere,” he urged, dragging my hand.
I backed away in fear, shaking my head in disagreement.
“Go ahead and do it. I'm telling you to do it,” he said. “Are you going to tell your Alpha no?”
I gulped hard. I just couldn't.
Ryker collected my dagger and pushed me away. “You want to learn how to kill, yet you can't handle a blade. When you're ready to learn how to kill, come back.”