The trip we made to Isla Grande was fantastic, Kahin is everything a woman would want in her life, he is tender, bitter and even though he is someone strong and tough, he is not ashamed to show that vulnerable side that he has, now that he sleeps with me, I am aware of how bad it is with those damn dreams, it's frustrating not being able to do anything but calm him down when he's out of control. He says that since I came into his life, his dreams are not so strong as before, he assures that he feels me when he is dreaming and that helps him to calm down faster, but it does not leave me very convinced.
We have not yet released the news of our relationship, we plan to tell everyone today before we go to the targets. The targets are festivities that take place at dawn on November 3, which is when the national days begin in Panama.
“Can not be!” I scream like crazy.
"What is it daughter?" My mother comes into the room, sitting on the bed, I look at her, I don't know if it's a good idea, but I must or worry can kill me.
"My period hasn't come down in October, it never fails me," I look at my mother, scared, "I didn't realize it until today and it's November 2,” my mother's eyes widen, "I swear to you, I take the pills mom, plus I haven't had sex with Kahin, not until days ago," I can see my mother's static.
"Marilí, since what happened that day you have been getting very uneven," hearing that makes my hair stand on end.
"No mom, don't say more ...this can't be possible. This can't happen to me, not now,” I whisper, hysterically looking for my cell phone, "Kahin come get me, I have to talk to you,” I demand immediately he picked up his mobile, without letting him speak.
"Everything okay, Sweet?" I hear him agitated.
"Come get me right now!" Nervousness is controlling me, if I'm pregnant in addition to not knowing who the father is, I may lose Kahin.
"Okay love, I was training, I will take a shower and ..."
"Don't shower, come here now," without waiting for an answer, I hang up and look at my mother on the verge of a nervous breakdown, "what am I going to do? Tell me mom, if I'm pregnant, what will happen to my life?
My mother hugs me, “I don't know daughter, it's too late to have an abortion,” I look at her in horror, I would never do something like that. “What I don't understand is why you are calling that man, I'm here, I can go with you wherever you need, I can talk all you want.”
Placing my hand to my mouth, I restrain the desire to tell her that Kahin is my boyfriend and that this issue concerns us both.
When Kahin arrives as always my mother behaves rudely and makes him see that she does not like him.
"I like your mother less every day," he growls as he gets into the car, I don't pay attention to what he says, “can you tell me what's going on?" He asks, surprised that I did not defend my mother, I look at him with crystallized eyes.
"Kahin ...my period hasn't been coming down well and last month it hasn't," he tenses and his gaze turns cold, "I ... I don't know what to think ..." without saying anything he starts up, his silence hurts me and I do nothing but cry. When I arrived at a clinic they did a blood test, Kahin who is next to me has not said a word, when the doctor asked if it was planned, his expression made his displeasure very clear. Knowing that if that test comes out positive everything is going to get bad, I look at him, “you would accept me?” He looks at me just as seriously, “would you accept me if I'm pregnant?" He close his eyes and clench his jaw more.
"Of course I would accept you," he frowns, “but how would you live seeing that baby without remembering what they did to you?" Looking down, I contain the urge to cry, he's right.
"You would help me live with it, right?" He doesn't smile at me, his gaze isn't the same warmth as before, his remoteness saddens me.
“Yes, I would,” he kiss my head and that single gesture makes me sigh, he would never abandon me and I hate myself for believing that his behavior was towards me. "I love you and this problem belongs to both of us, if you're seeing me like that it's only because I don't like to see you suffer."
“Marilí Cook,” the secretary calls, ‘here's your result," she hands me the test, but I'm not able to take it, Kahin takes it from her hand and pulls me out of the clinic, when he gets to the car, he rushes to open it and I stop him.
"No, don't open it yet,” he looks at me with a frown, "I need to know if you would really love me the same even when I expect a child from another, I need you to be sincere," I gulped with difficulty, I cannot put my doubts aside no matter how much I want to, “Kahin, if there is a huge positive in that test, would you accept me and nothing would change between us?” With my heart at a hundred thousand an hour, I look into his eyes, the fear that he will give me a refusal invades me, I don't know what I would do if he decides not to continue with me.
“I love you with my life Marilí, I would never leave you alone because of a pregnancy, you have not deceived me, you did not raise this, if there is a positive here,” he shakes the result, “I will continue to love you in the same way,” he kiss my lips, "time to see this results," with my snot all the way to the floor, I watch him open the envelope.
“Shit!” He screams as he hits the steering wheel, I start to cry like a child, can I never be fully happy? Hating Ian and his friends, I hate myself and everything around me, “hey babe come on, don't be like that,” he tries to get my hands off my face.
"My life is ruined, now I'll have a baby that I didn't hope for," I look at him, "I ... I didn't want this," I cry harder.