It's been a week, Christian is trying his best to obliterate this feeling but it seems like this is embedded deep into my soul giving me intense agony that is killing me up. The pools of agonizing pain is immersing me in it and I cannot save myself from it. It’s hard to overcome it.
Still, I am trying to recover from it but it's so difficult each and every thing triggers the feeling of dread in me. Every action gives me apprehension. I am scared by every little thing. But, thankfully Christian is right beside me. I only feel safe when he is near me even if he went somewhere, I felt terrified. In his absence, all the apparitions I was trying to subdue overwhelms me, leaving me with the inability to bear it and fall deep into the labyrinth.
Right now, we're sitting in the theatre; of the house watching Frozen and I am holding his arms. We were watching as he got a call, he paused the movie as he attend the call,
"Yes?" I looked at him. His expressions turned from calm to agitated one as if he is enraged. He spare a glance at me and pulled his arm away and walked out leaving me alone not before passing me a forced smile to assure me. Since I don't want to be alone, I chewed on my bottom lips and also walked out which was very wrong of me, I should have wait for him to come back,
"Can't you get a little thing done!?" I heard him yelling. My breath hitched and I leaned on the wall and shut my eyes. Clenching and unclenching my hands.
"If I don't come to work for a few days, you guys can't handle it!?"
"Who the hell told you to agree for collaboration!?" He was exasperated. I began to pant in dread, I just can't bear it. My trembling form couldn't even move. He kept on shouting as I continued to convulsed. I took deep breaths trying to calm myself. I have lost my strength. Tears pricked in the corner of my eyes as I looked at him, his back was facing me.
He finally cut the call and turned away stressed. His look of strain faded when he saw me and walked closer. He came closer as I stumble back and fell on the ground. His expressions softened when he look at me. He knows that I can easily be triggered now. I'm feeling so weak ever since then, you can easily evoke any negative emotion in me.
He reached his hand as I shut my eyes,
"Sophie, don't be scared. It's okay." he whispered. I sniffed and slowly opened my eyes.
"Everything is fine." He assured me. My breathless form just shook it's head. He came close but I crawled back and stood up with the support from the wall.
"you okay?" He asked concerned.
"Y-Yeah.." I spoke faintly. He moved his hand close to me but quickly draw it back, he didn't touch me as I walked away with the support from the wall. He also walked beside me looking so worried.
I leaned on the wall and took out some deep breaths and finally calmed down,
"I am sorry.." I began to say.
"I am sorry for being a burden.." I said, ashamed.
"What are you saying? You are my wife, my responsibility, my everything. If I don't care for you then for whom I will?" I looked down but he held my chin and gave me a stern look,
"Don't talk like that. Ever. Again."
He pulled me in a hug. I bit my lips to not to cry.
"I just don't know, everything seems to evoke dread.." I murmured as a tear rolled down my cheek.
"I know, that's why I am trying my best to take you away from all this."He said such confidently that it somehow dispel some of the dread.
"Let continue our movie?" He asked with a smile. I passed him a faint smile and nodded and we went to watch our movie.
As were watching and once again I am holding onto his arms as if my life depends on them, in a sense, it does. I then asked,
"What was the call about?"
"Office work."
"You should go, you can't stay at home forever and I have to learn how to be alone at home."
"How can I leave you like this? You can't even spend a moment without me."
"But, You can't be at my side all the time." I tried to reason. He sighed, "Yeah.. I also need to go to work tomorrow. Something urgent came."
"See.. You should go. I'll call mother here." He didn't answer as we continued to watch the movie.
The next day, I was sleeping but I felt a poke on my cheek. I groaned and slowly opened my eyes, I saw Christian smiling at me,
"Get ready. We're going." He said. I said rubbing my eyes, "Where?"
"Office." He said.
"Why do I have to come?" I asked sitting up.
"I can't leave you alone."
"I told you, I'll call mother."
"I clearly remember what happened when I left you in Eugene's care." He said monotonously. I bit my lips and looked down.
"Get ready. I am waiting for downstairs." He kissed my cheek and walked out.
I took a shower and wore a purple frock with a black belt in the middle and black leggings. I looked at my reflection. I wished the scars of my heart would have healed like the ones on my body. That revolting cut on my lips is still present but the rest are good as gone.
I applied a little makeup to hide them and when finally pleased with my look- facade. I turned and my gaze stopped at the corner. A sudden image of mine laying there lifeless came in my mind as I took a step back and put my hand over my mouth. I quickly walked out began to look for Christian desperately. I saw Christian in the hall and hugged him.
"Sophie, are you okay?" He asked worried.
"You are right. I can't be with anyone but you." I said faintly. He rubbed my back and pulled away.
"I know.. Come let's have breakfast." He smiled. We ate in silence, I curled my toes to calm myself. I have to confiscate my feelings and be strong. When he is trying that hard to save me, I also have to put up a brave front. I have to be courageous enough that I can survived without his presence, he can't be physically present for me. Even if it seems impossible right now, I have to make it possible.