‘‘So, what now?’’ I want him to let go of me as he’s making me feel uptight, claustrophobic and vulnerable, but at the same time his touch is soothing and familiar, and I don’t want him to let go of me. He makes me so indecisive and confused all the time, and it just adds to the head mess he causes me.
Alexi’s eyes drop to my mouth and again I get the vibe he is contemplating kissing me. I don’t know if I want him to, but a part of me needs it, for this morning and for last night. It doesn’t even make sense to me anymore, but now I have tasted him there’s a craving to do it again. I want him to wipe away how he made me feel in that room and go back to the softness of the man who had sex with me on the couch instead. My insecure pathetic side craving an affection, so I can forgive how he was to me.
I need therapy.
‘’I think I should move you elsewhere for a while, away from the club, make it look like you’re gone. Discarded, like I lost interest.’’ He goes back to his serious expression and serious tone. The warmth dropping from his voice and I literally feel the change in air temperature as it cools instantly. Letting me go abruptly and wandering away to perch back against the desk nearer the front.
‘‘Wait, what?’’ That’s not the answer I expected, and I blink at him. ‘’This is where I belong! Where I’m putting in the hours and the work and paying off my debt to you, where else would I go?’’ I’m panicking, unsure how else to take this and my head's going around in circles. I wanted to be free of him and now he’s giving me the option, I don’t. I want to explore more of the hints and glimpses of someone else in him.
I slump down into the desk chair beside me and plank my hands on the arms as though visibly telling him I am not going to be removed from this club.
What the hell is with my brain?
‘’I have other places, other properties and other businesses. I could use you anywhere I want and let this blow over.’’ Alexi has a look of determination on his face. He’s not kidding.
‘‘Such as where?’’ I sound as desperate as I feel, and all I can think about is will I still see him the way I do now? Once or twice a week and most weekends. If he sends me elsewhere will he even care to come and see me anymore, or will I disappear into the depths of his empire? It’s stupid and dumb to even contemplate, considering I hate him with a passion, but I don’t want to not see him. It knocks me for six because I have NEVER wanted any sort of connection to another human in my life. I abhor people and keep everyone at arm’s length, and up until twenty minutes ago I fucking hated him too! I am so fucked up.
‘’The Hamptons for a while, I have a house there, you can lie low while I figure something else out. He would never think of looking for you there.’’ ‘’Wait, lie low? I thought you wanted to just put me out of temptations way?’’ My voice is an octave higher, making my panic obvious, but he doesn’t seem to care. Alexi turns to lock eyes on me in a completely serious expression as though I do not really understand this situation at all. ‘’What do you think Santagato will do with something he knows is a possible weakness to me? I’m not talking about groping you in the club, Camilla; I’m talking about taking you from the street and brutalising you to within an inch of your life to get a rise out of me first chance he gets. Our families may be amicable but domination in this business is everything. We have a turf war and any break in my strength is a plus for him. Distract me and I lose my edge … he knows this.’’
My blood runs cold as it hits home exactly what being connected to someone like Alexi really means. I’m a walking target and up until now his disinterest in me was my armour. He showed the wrong person that I am under his skin and now I’m a weapon. Whether he cares about me or not, they believe he does and that means I can be used. They view me as an Achilles heel even if they are way off the mark and I feel sick to my stomach as it hits home just how much danger I am in.