I am rather taken aback that he feels like he owes me an apology when he really does seem like a guy who never would. I misbehaved and he punished me. It’s not often men like that ever think they did something wrong, even if I think he did.
Although his little surprising statement makes me feel remorse about this morning too, the way I acted and you know? Throwing grilled cheese. I bite on my lip and sigh at him. I guess the sex chat is obsolete and doesn’t seem to be included in his apology, even though it’s what started my little tantrum, and I should just be the adult I pretended to be last night and forget we even had sex at all.
‘‘I shouldn’t have thrown your food at you, and I apologise for ruining your clothes.’’ It’s genuine anyway, even if I sound stilted and sarcastic when I say it. Those were nice trousers and I doubt cheese grease comes out of expensive fabrics without a lot of effort. He’s playing nice, whether it’s a ploy or a game I just don’t know anymore. I have given up trying to understand or read him or evaluate his motives anymore, it all just makes me so goddamn tired.
‘’You need to stop pushing my buttons, stop making me crazy … I lose focus and shit like this happens.’’ He nods towards the door and I frown. Exhausted by the man and I just can’t function anymore.
His world, his rules, his overbearing presence when he’s here, I never knew that walking into Carrero’s kingdom would be such a mind destroyer of epic proportions. I used to be in control of every aspect of my life and no one got close or got to me. Everything, up until Tyler, was manoeuvred to be on my terms, but Alexi just strips you naked, twists you up and then spits you out. Since I met him I feel like all I do is over feel everything and make dumb choices.
‘‘I don’t understand … How does you and me being at war make tonight happen?’’ Alexi laughs disbelievingly and shakes his head at me like I’m completely naïve sometimes, and it just infuriates me. He sometimes still treats me like a brainless bimbo with no concept of how things work.
‘’You’re clueless, London, let me school you on the goings on in that room tonight.’’ He pushes off the bar and walks around the desk to sit against the edge in front of me so he’s a lot closer and gets comfy. Watching me like a hawk and devouring me with his eyes. I’m way too tired to deal with all the shitty feelings coursing through me and stare at the clock on his desk instead. Intimidated by his presence, still stinging from being humiliated earlier, and I cannot believe it’s still the same day. It feels like weeks ago now.
‘‘I got sloppy, I was watching you—preoccupied … thinking about this morning, pissed at Gino; being a little too interested in both of you and Santagato saw it. He was testing the waters, honing in on what he considers was a glimpse of a weakness. I fucked up and let him see that I give a shit, that’s why he made a play.’’
That’s a revelation and I clamp my mouth shut when words attempt to spill out, my brain going into overdrive.
‘‘I just gave him a weapon, he has an angle, something he thinks he can use against me if he needs to.’’ Alexi sighs. I am so tired of games and all this underhanded, backhanded manipulation of this world. Alexi the mastermind and all the complication that comes with it.
I wonder what normal men and women do with their time if it’s not steeped in devious plans and upper hands.
‘’I don’t understand … why didn’t you just let him have me? Save yourself all of this, if it’s that important, just let him do me and be done.’’ I get up and go to move away from his stifling presence, but he catches my wrist and pulls me back, cupping my face with his hand, and guides me close. I catch my breath, surprised with the gentle manoeuvre, and literally fall still, lungs ceasing to move with the unexpectedness of this.
‘’He would have taken you back in that room and not stopped from where I left off, I couldn’t have stood there and let him.’’ He angles his face and for a moment I swear he’s going to kiss me.
‘’I see.’’ It sounds stilted and alien, my body trembling subtly with the intimacy of this pose, and he just gazes at me for another long moment, barely moving and infuriatingly unreadable and blank.
‘‘I take care of my own. You gave me boundaries and it’s my job to make sure they are upheld.’’
I did? When?
When I begged him not to hurt me and not do this. Even while he wanted to punish me, he stopped because I said no. He stopped because of my reaction to being tied up in that room and let me go without taking it further. A hint of something more in that chest than a hollow space where a heart should be? Or just another manipulation move to get information out of me?
That’s what I can never tell anymore, like right now. Softness when I think he’s a bastard, and yet he has a way of cajoling me and getting what he wants out of me when it appears. I should never trust him, as he always has a motive to go with each of his behaviours.
Alexi is so fucking complex. A control freak who adheres to boundaries? Even in anger? He makes no sense to me.