It turns out that loving someone is not enough to make someone stay and wait for things to get better. Even though I've repeatedly said that I love Rozzean so much and I won't give up on my feelings for him, I still reached this point.
Where the pain will prevail over love.
Seeing them together with Klari twice wasn't just a pinch in my heart; it felt like a dagger repeatedly stabbing my chest.
It hurts. It hurts so much.
Enough. I don't want this anymore. I won't hope for things to get better because it seems like he's doing fine now. He's better off without me. He looks good without me.
Rozzean is fine... without me.
"Thaliana, you are not eating your food. You told me we would talk, but since we got here, you haven't said anything. You just moved your food around until the dishes arrived. What happened?"
I looked up at Luther. I called him and asked if he had free time to talk. He immediately said he had nothing else to do after office hours.
We met at Carnazi, a restaurant near my flower shop.
"Luther..."
He set down his utensils, looking at me. He noticed that something was wrong, and he's giving me his full attention. I hesitated to speak immediately after mentioning his name. I wanted to talk, but my lips trembled as I recalled what Thes showed me.
"Thaliana, tell me, what happened? Why are you acting like this? I knew something was wrong the moment I saw you earlier--"
"I will stop loving him."
I saw that Luther was surprised, but it quickly faded. He took a deep breath and then drank some water. Not the reaction I expected.
The truth is, everyone around me is saying that I've done enough. That I shouldn't take any action and just let Rozzean find a way if he truly loves me. But I've had enough of seeing Klari and Rozzean while I'm here, still holding onto the hope that we could be together again.
I feel like a fool, endlessly hoping he'll come back to me while he's out there with Klari.
I've seen them together twice. It was already painful when I saw them at his house, but I didn't know there would be more pain to come. After hoping that we would reconcile when he saved me in the bar and when he called, I see them together again, this time with Klari.
Who knows how many times they've been going out? Just the two of them.
"W-Why? Why? What happened? Did Cyron do something?"
I smiled faintly at Luther. I wasn't foolish before; it's just now.
It's true that when you love someone, you become foolish, blind, and deaf. Blind because I saw back then that he didn't want me anymore, yet I still tried. I saw him with Klari at his house, and I still hoped. Deaf because despite being told many times that Rozzean's love is shallow, and that's why he can't forgive me, I didn't listen. I didn't listen to the negative opinions about Rozzean because I love him... so much.
I love him so much, more than words can express.
"Thes saw him with Klari, and my friend showed them to me in a video call. They were eating in a restaurant in Batangas. After all the pain I've felt, hoping that our relationship would get better, do I still need to continue feeling this way? Especially when I see that he's doing fine now? That he's okay?"
"Suddenly, I thought maybe I'm the only one still hoping that we'll fix things. Then, I realized my Dad's words that Rozzean might be doing this for the sake of their relationship as businessmen. Because of what happened between us, Dad blamed him for the accident. Daddy and Rozzean have known each other for a long time, and I've explained to my father multiple times that he shouldn't be angry because I'm the one at fault."
I will talk to Dad again.
"Thaliana, maybe Klari and Rozzean just talked about business. Do you want me to ask him about that?"
And whatever business it is, I'm no longer interested in knowing.
I quickly shook my head. I don't want to be desperate. Using Luther is a desperate move. When I saw them together because Thes showed me earlier, I wanted to know why they were together again. But I realized that instead of focusing my attention on understanding, and instead of holding onto the pain in my chest, I should find a way to heal now.
It's just too painful. So painful that I don't know when it will end.
"I will be okay, not now, but soon I will be okay, Luther. I decided to end this feeling I have for Rozzean."
He lowered his gaze, nodded three times, and then took another sip of water.
"I understand, Thaliana. Rozzean let his anger decide for him. But why don't you talk to him and end things personally?"
I raised my eyebrows at Luther. What's the point? I have tried enough.
"When we went to his house together, he said that he doesn't need me in his life, Luther. You were there, right? You saw how Rozzean rejected me. He was so angry. But because I am stubborn and because I love him so much, I continued to find a way for him to forgive me. But what happened?"
"Things got worse. I saw Klari with him. He looks fine. He's better without me, and I realized it even more now that I saw him with Klari again for the second time. It hurts, Luther, everything is just pain. I don't know if there's any hope left for us to reconcile. My attention is solely focused on him. I'm always waiting, always thinking about what I can do for him to forgive me..."
I breathe hard, tears welling up in my eyes. I've been trying to hold back my tears in front of Luther, but because of the emotions, these tears fall one after another.
It's just pain. It's just crying.
It's so hard to keep these tears because I am in so much pain right now.
"Even though my father told me not to take any action, I can't help but think about what I can do to make him forgive me because I love him so much. But, Luther... seeing Rozzean with Klari, I said, 'Enough.' I was so jealous and hurt. Do you know what I felt? What entered my mind?"
I never thought that love could really make a person this weak and vulnerable. I was a brave woman, a tough one. But this love made me beg on my knees. I looked pitiful, but I didn't care because of the love I felt for Rozzean. I was convinced that I caused all of this, that I deceived him, and I deserve this pain. But as time goes by, I'm breaking apart.
I'm losing my self-worth because of the pain I feel. Because of my love for him and the continuous hope that we'll be okay.
"I questioned my worth, Luther."
"Thaliana... you are more than what you think you are."
I bit my lower lip at Luther's response.
"I regret the mistake I made with him. I showed my remorse, I chased after him. I thought his love would save us, but maybe... his love was not enough to forgive me."
At the bar, when I saw Rozzean, I wanted to run and hug him. He was so close yet so far.
"Rozzean's anger decides for him, Thaliana. Maybe he's just taking his time and will talk to you again. You said he called you, right? He asked if you are okay."
I nodded, smiled a little, "His rescue in the bar and that call gave me hope, Luther, but it also made me realize that maybe he's just feeling guilty for my accident. If he truly loves me, he would come to me to fix our relationship. But where is he?"
It becomes harder to breathe when I think of the love I have for Rozzean.
"He said he loves me. Even if it's Tali, it's still me. I-I'm still the one... every night, I cry and think about him."
I wiped away the tear on my right cheek.
I promised myself that I would never cry because of Rozzean because I've cried enough. But here I am again.
"Does he miss me too? The way I miss him? O-or even if not the same level, just the thought of him would be enough for me. I love Rozzean so much, Luther, but this love would ruin me."
"And I can't lose myself..."
"That's why I am giving up. I will let him go."