“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know.” -Lemony Snicket
•X A V I E R•
The funeral was sweet sorrow, for in those moments of raw pain, when it felt as if the loving self-screams in silent anguish, there were the memories of the good times that came as blossoming spring meadow.
I read somewhere that darkness always came as strong protective arms, holding us close until the promised dawn. But, would it ever dawn in my life?
After five years of heartbreak, pain, anger, hurt and longing, I finally got the answers and when I was supposed to know what happened with her in those five years, she left.
When we were supposed to mend our relationship, she left.
When I was supposed to mend her broken heart, she left.
When I was supposed to love her, cherish her; she fucking left!
Why Rose?!
Why do you always have to be away from me?!
Why couldn't we have the future that we wanted?!
.
.
.
Black.
I thought black was a classic color, and here I was dressed in black from head to toe. I've always loved that color, but from now on it will always remind me of death, as here I was wearing black clothes, attending HER funeral.
Evelyn Rose Williams was finally gone, I still couldn't believe she is GONE. Though everything was in front of my eyes yelling, "She is DEAD '', but I couldn't bring myself to believe it, at least not my heart.
The burnt body, the wrecked car, the necklace around her neck that Marcus gave her, and she always wore it. Since her body suffered the maximum percentage of burns, it was impossible to identify her body, but her belongings made it possible to identify. We decided to bury her beside her mother. That was what she always wanted and for that we had to travel back to California, and I had to bring Alexander with me.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I saw a broken man, dressed in black, red puffy emotionless eyes, a little beard covering his face and I couldn't recognize this man.
This wasn't me, or was it?
A heard someone coughing and when I turned around, I saw a little human being standing behind me, he looked at me and asked, "You're going away too, Daddy?"
It broke my heart; it literally broke my already broken heart.
Crouching down in front of him, I scooped my son into my arms and picked him up, "Why would you say that little man?"
While he was deep in thought, I escorted him to his room, and seated him down on the bed, as he then said, looking down at his hands, "I don't feel good, daddy." And I instantly remembered saying something to Evelyn when she took care of Alexander in his illness as I said, 'Don't do anything which I can't fulfill in this lifetime', and she exactly did that, created a void.
We as men were always asked to be tough, always heard that man never cries; but when it was hurtful, unbearable, we did cry.
But, how was I supposed to tell him the reason for not feeling good?
I caressed his face, and said, "You're not well buddy, go to sleep and when Daddy will be back, we'll have lots of fun."
The statement immediately lightened my son's face as he looked up and asked, "Promise, Daddy?"
Putting up a small smile, I said, "It’s a pinky-swear, big man. Now go to sleep."
He finally laid down on the bed as I tucked him under a duvet and kissed his forehead. Switching off the lights, when I was almost at his door, he said something that completely broke my wall, "Daddy, we'll invite Rose, she's fun." Saying so, he slipped into the deep slumber and there I stood stunned, unable to answer that, she would never be able to come back now.
She is gone, away from us, not coming back ever.
Closing his door, I descended down the stairs where I met Chris who said, "Xavier, it's time." He was in a mess as was me. Puffy eyes, messy hair, unshaved beard dressed in black. Everyone who knew Evelyn shed tears.
Sighing a heavy breath, I nodded at him, and sat inside the car waiting for us outside my house. Soon Chris sat beside me and we were off to Williams.
Carolina was staying there to support her fiancé, Marcus.
Her brother.
He was the most broken man among us. Today he would be burying another coffin of his family member, he lost everything he held dear to him. After five years of waiting, when he was finally reunited with his sister, the person he loved beyond everything, he lost her.
Though she was the girl I love but she was his little angel, Marcus loved her as his own daughter and no husband or a lover could understand the pain if a person who lost his mother, father, and finally his sister.
The car halted to stop and we got down, putting my dark shades, I prevented anyone looking into my puffy eyes.
Suddenly, the air surrounding us felt thick and gloomy, it was like was grieving too at the loss of this beautiful human being.
I followed Chris directly towards the place where she would always rest in peace.
Kat, Evelyn's best-friend stood at one corner with a crying Carolina. There was another person, equally broken, equally lost, equally hurt, Mason. Who considered Evelyn as his own sister, stood up for her in every situation, and supported her when her own brother couldn't.
Then he supported Evelyn, and now he stood shoulder by shoulder beside Marcus, holding him by his shoulder while both of them looked at Evelyn's casket that laid in the middle of all.
Me? I just stood there, looking at the tombstone.
Here LIES,
Evelyn Rose Williams
Daughter- Sister- Friend
7 July 1996 - 1 July 2021
“Until We Meet Again!”
That what she always said, no goodbyes, it was always "Until we meet again." I would never forgive myself for breaking her heart and not even asking for forgiveness.
After the priest arrived and did all the necessary chanting, her casket was buried down into the hole as everyone dropped their white roses with a handful of mud and then said their eulogies.
While everyone was done, I walked in front of her grave and crouched down. I wanted to pour my heart out and reveal everything that I always wanted to when she was alive.
"Rose… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry…." I sighed a heavy breath as tears cascaded down my eyes. Katherine took everyone in because she somehow knew this eulogy was only meant for Evelyn's ears.
"It was me who never understood the pain behind your eyes, you gave me chance to hurt you but why didn't you give me the chance to mend your heart, to love you?" I looked at her tomb for some answers, but I got none.
Pointing at my heart, "This place was always meant for you, nobody else. I will love you till my heart beats, Evelyn Knight."
I touched her name engraved on the stone, "I love you Evelyn Knight, my wife." I whispered as a tear rolling down my eyes.
"She knew that." A voice from behind him said.
Looking back, he saw Ethan standing behind him, dressed in a loose black shirt, messed hair, "Why are you here?" I sighed.
With puffy eyes, Ethan looked at me and said, "Paying my respects." He sat beside me and said, "She knew you were in love with her since the beginning. And, trust me if she is listening to you, you're already forgiven." Ethan said and I nodded in understanding.
He stood up and left after patting my back, saying nothing.
Pulling out the chain that I always wore, I took out my wedding ring from that chain and wore it, "Until we meet again, Mrs. Knight." I promised looking at her grave. I sat there for few hours till the sunset.
And as the darkness of night took over, I rose up on my feet and started walking with no destination ahead.