I feel my strength leaves me the moment I step into my room. I can’t almost make it to the bed. My legs are trembling, and raising them to plant a step forward seems too difficult. My mind is in a total mess, and I don’t know what’s right anymore.
Placing my phone and bag on the bedside table, I slowly remove my clothes and throw them on the floor. Then, forgetting about washing my face or brushing my teeth, I lift the covers and drag my heavy body inside, whispering a prayer that I may get a deep sleep. Instead, however, I see Zed when I close my eyes.
How is he now? How is he coping? Is he lamenting over my loss just as he did with Yen? Is he having sleep difficulties because I’m gone? Is he thinking of me?
I blink several times, but still, his gentle and tender looks at the back of my mind plague me with longing to see him again. But I can’t. I must stand firm on the decision I make. I should not show any sign of weakness. My parents didn’t raise me to be independent just for me to crumble over the loss of a man. I must make sound choices, not just for my own good, but for everyone.
I shut my eyes tighter, but it neither works out. Maybe, if I hear his voice, it could lull me to sleep. So, I reach for my phone at the bedside table, scroll down the contact list until I find his name. Staring at his name for a while, I put it down again. I left his home, and that would be in vain if I give in to my weakness. But something inside pulls my will to pick it back until I finally get the courage to hit the call icon.
“Ella?” his rich and husky voice then floats in my ear. Hearing him again, his deep and soothing voice is enough to send my tears in a deluge, but I bite my lips to keep any sound from escaping.
“Ella? Are you alright? Where are you?” his voice sounds worried already, and the more I miss those moments where he cared for me like a child.
“Ella? Ella, please. Let me hear you.”
I can’t hold it anymore. I turn to my side, place the phone near my pillow, then burst out crying. I never answer him until he eventually stops calling my name. I cry my heart out, pouring out my loneliness, my longing to be with Zed, my regret over the decision I make, and the fear of the unknown into a heart-rending cry. And I cry until my exhaustion prompts me to drift into a troubled sleep.
However, it seems that my dreams are teasing me. They replay those fearful scenarios I create in my mind. I then see James, led by a guard out of his cell. He walks through the hallway in between two long rows of iron-barred cells, his hands bound by a cuff at his back.
The jail warden looks at them with his grim and intimidating gaze, gesturing for them to hurry up. A truck waits for them outside, and one guard opens the door while the one holding him throws him inside the back of the truck.
I scream when I see James gliding on the floor, his body hitting the rough and cold floor. But then the scene changes, and I see Zed instead. He groans in agony, his temples oozing with fresh blood. I sprint towards him, screaming at the top of my lungs in horror. I shout at the tormentor, cursing him to death. But then he turns to me and leashes out a devilish laugh.
Suddenly, my voice gets stuck in my throat as I see the face of the tormentor. My entire body trembles at his gaze. The sense of guilt and hatred inside me then fight their ways for dominance. Because the person in front of me – the devil tormentor – is no other than James!
“Zed!” I push against the bed and sit abruptly. What I just saw is too real to be misconstrued as a dream. But whatever it is, there’s one thing I realize, James is going to kill Zed!
“Ella? I’m here, baby!”
“Zed,” I start to sob again. “Tell me it’s just a bad dream!”
“I’m sorry you’re having nightmares. Maybe, you’re too tired.”
“Maybe.” My eyes suddenly catch the red lights blinking on the screen of my alarm clock. It’s still past midnight. And then I realize I’m not talking to Zed in my dream. The voice doesn’t come from my head, but from the phone on my bed.
“Zed, why are you there?” I suddenly sobered up, scared that James may have heard all my dramas.
“You must have accidentally pressed my number.” I then remember that I cried my way to sleep an hour ago.
“Oh. I’ll go back to sleep.”
“Ella?”
“Yes?”
“Good night. I love you.”
“Hmm.”
I turn my phone off right away. I should not give in to my feelings, to his sweet, comforting words. Because right now, I am almost tempted to run back into his arms. I close my eyes again, leaving my mind alone with its horrendous thoughts until everything gets blurry.
The sun has penetrated its rays into the glass walls the moment I open my eyes. I was too exhausted last night to check if the curtains were pulled down. Now, its golden rays flood in my room, hurting my eyes.
I glance at the clock at my bedside table and check the time. It’s already past seven. Thanks to my pregnancy hormones, they still allow me long hours to sleep despite my troubled mind. I get up from my bed and straighten out the sheets, picking my littering clothes as well. Doing some clean-up and later a quick shower, I am already set to do what I have in mind. I have thought it over several times until I am sure I could not go wrong with it. And those plans, however they may sound, are all about destroying Zed Zed.