He stepped closer and she couldn't help but noticed that something has changed about him, it had nothing to do with his surprisingly wrinkled clothes or how humbled his eyes were. A one o clock stubble seemed strange on his perfectly shaven jaw and his eyes seemed almost dead, she choked on her spit horrified although the realization that he could be ruffled made him look less god and more like a man. A human.
He took another step forward and she could see his ruffled hair where his hand must have been on so many times in exasperation, frustration, or both. The tight line of his lips. The leaves on his shoes. The matching sleeping bags under his eyes yet somehow he looked devastatingly handsome and it felt unfair that he didn't even need to try at all to look that way.
She took a step backward as he took another and he stopped. "Please Maya, don't go away," he begged and tears burn her eyes at the pleading tone in his voice. The Xavier she knew never begged. He wasn't the man in front of her that had no problem with groveling and looking vulnerable and her chest squeezed painfully as she feared she was the reason behind why he looked like a shadow of himself.
"Please Xavier don't make it harder than it is already," she didn't recognize her own voice and the pleading whimper that followed.
"I want to make things alright. I'm here to make everything better," he smiled sadly, "Trust me."
"I did and see where it landed us," I'd have believed anything you said about Diane. All you needed was to frickin talk and I'd swallow your words, hook, line, and sinker she added in her mind.
"I was foolish."
Tears brimmed in her eyes. This was close to what she had wanted right? So why was it so hard to just close her eyes and hug him forgetting it all. Forgetting all the problems and headaches.
"I messed up."
She shook her head slowly as tears blurred her vision.
"I'm begging Maya even though I'm not deserving of it, I need a do-over."
Her words were almost muffled, "I was the one who decided to leave, Xavier. You didn't do anything wrong,"
"I should have begged you, I should have cried, I should have fallen on your feet, I should have__"
"My mind was quite made up," she whispered closing her eyes, "I was stubborn and you knew it. I wanted out desperately and you granted me that. It was all my decision? So why do you fault yourself?!" Her voice was raised and more tears pooled in her eyes.
"Maybe because I was the one to snap the remaining thread with scissors. The picture of those girls? I didn't even sleep with them, I couldn't. It has always been you and I hate myself for realizing this so late after hurting you."
She averted her gaze, even as she chanted in her head, do not concede, do not give in, do not forget, and lastly do not look into his blue hypnotizing eyes lest you succumb and plead for him to have you.
"What do you want from me, Xavier?" He took a step forward and she took one backward not trusting herself to be so close to her and not feel anything.
"I don't know," he chuckled, "Maybe I regret not making my special Bolognese dish for you or telling you all the peculiar things I know about you that stuns me some time." Maya took another step backward. Don't concede.
"Maybe I just wanted to sniff in your scent that has been making me insane and has sent me to different fragrance shops just to get your perfume. Maybe because I wanted to tell you I now sniff your body wash like an insane man pretending that you are right next to me," she closed her eyes. Do not give in.
She took another step backward. His eyes flared desperately, he could tell he was losing her and he didn't dare take a step forward, he feared she might break into a run.
"Maybe because my house without you is so cold and bleak. The security men ask after you and even your bodyguards, The bald men miss you. There are still tubs of ice cream in the fridge. I made a grocery list and my pantry is stocked, just in case__" another tear dropped from her cheeks. Do not forget. Murderer.
She took two steps backward.
He exhaled, "Maybe because I'm in love with you." Her eyes widened and it took her a minute or two to process his words.
"I'm in love with you, Maya." He whispered, taking a step forward and taking another noticing that she didn't take any backward.
"You know it's funny how you have been with me all this while yet I couldn't identify the strange but beautiful feelings you stir inside of me and it took you leaving for me to realize I want the warm fuzziness and giddiness you make me feel. Only you make me smile like a fool with no purpose, only you make me so excited and thrilled. Only you, Maya."
He took another step forward while she gazed at him stunned.
"I want only you in my life, no scratch that. You have become a need. A necessity to me. I want all of you. I want to be with you morning, afternoon, and night. I'll watch all your cheesy soap operas, watch notebook like a thousand more times, I'll even let you be the main character in any dumb ad show," he squeezed his eyes, "You could even go into Hollywood if you so desire. I know a guy. Just stay with a fool like me. Just be in my life because I don't know how to function without you."
He held her hand and she shivered not knowing when he had closed the distance between them.
She shook her head in disagreement slowly, not knowing how to get the words out but eventually, they escaped.
"It is too late Xavier."
"I know and we can make up for lost times, please Maya. Just trust me this once, please." His blue eyes burned with intensity and a mix of all raw emotions that shook her violently where she stood.
She averted her gaze, still shaking her head. Do not succumb. Her legs broke into a sprint desperate to put distance between them and she gladly embraced it, running like her life depended on it because somehow it did.
He loves her, her heart roared in disagreement with her actions.
He killed his best friend, her mind reminded softly.