"No I'm not," he admitted not having an ounce of strength to even tell a lie. He have been doing that all week, all day, every minute and damn second to his assistant who he had told to cancel all his appointments, lying that he had a headache, the same damn lie he had told any reporter who had approached him, he was wrong when he had thought he was afraid of being a one woman's man and was totally scared of the commitment, he was indeed scared of something but not about hitting one pussy for the rest of his life because it seems his cock was being damn selective already and he had even lied to himself when he had dialed Ashley number asking her to come over, telling himself he could forget Maya when he had her writhing underneath him and if it gets that bad since she had a black hair he could just dim the light and pretend she was Maya, the only woman he wanted to be doing.
He didn't want to lie to his sister. He didn't want to screw what they shared the same way he had years ago and how he had recently done with Maya, too much of a chicken to say how bothered and shaken up he was because she was working for Tyler and just spilling his guts and telling her what had happened with Diane. He had somehow lead her to the arms of pretty boy Jared with his own smothering insecurities and fear.
Now, because of his damn stubbornness to keep her by leading her to the very man that would take her away, ironically he was still going to lose her anyway. Life was a fucker and it seemed like he was its bitch.
Because even though she didn't want Jared, even though he believed there was nothing more lurking behind their scripted lines which sounded like foreplay. He had binge watch the damn episodes all weekend. He knew that more Jared would be in line just for her, their lines would be more smoother, their eyes more kind and their actions more heartwarming and she would someday be tempted to try out one of them, because why not?
Girls like Maya never ended up with nutcases like him. They were made for full brown hair dimpled guys with a simple life and a heart willing to beat. He wasn't that not by a long shot.
"Xavier," Melissa called and he knew he must have zoned off by how worried she had sounded.
"I'll be fine Melissa, I will," he muttered the only truth he knew that didn't sound like a suicide note. Someday the harsh pain in his chest might just be reduced to a dulling throb but if it didn't, he'd learn to live with it eventually.
He hung up before she could input another word and headed inside the room, totally losing any interest to fuck anything or anyone, not like he did have any to start with but when life was fucking you as hard as it was him, it wasn't really his fault that he had no interest in screwing anyone.
"You need to get going Ashley," her green eyes hardened making him swallow as he realized how wrong they were because they weren't wide, tempting, taunting and fucking brown. He dumped her clutch on her lap which he had put a stack of dollars in.
"Why?"
"Something came up," he grumbled even though he wanted to point out that the only reason that he had kept her for so long was because she kept her nose out of his business but decided he was more desperate to get rid of her than discuss with her.
"Does this something have anything to do with Maya." She cocked her brow to the side like she was surprised he was acting like he didn't know her name wouldn't come up and honestly he had expected Ashley to bring it up but had hoped she'll be way wiser. "You got engaged to her, and the news was everywhere, in my fucking news feed, it was the hottest gist in the modelling world and I was given the stink eyes because not only wasn't I Xavier's favorite flavor anymore, you had picked someone else you were going to get married to. You had put a ring on her damn finger!"
"Ashley, I don't expect what I choose to do with my life to be of any concern to you __"
"But it does. Because I've been here all these years before she even came into your life, I'd watched all the others leave too like meaningless attachment and somehow I'd hoped that I'll become more to you. Maybe if I waited a bit more, kept quiet and be as obedient as possible just maybe," he watched her as she used a past tense on what they had if he could use that term, but he was grateful that she wasn't saving him the headache of spelling it out. That they were done.
Her voice croaked, "Just maybe you might learn to love me. Me, Xavier. Because I've been obsessed with you for as long as I can remember and I've wished you'll look at me with even the tiny form of tenderness. Just a drop of the love I see shining in your eyes when you stare at Maya in all your lovey dovey picture. Me!! What is so wrong with me, what? Am I so unlovable?" He wanted to grab her and ask her the same damn questions he needed to ask Maya even though he already knew their answer, "And when you seem to want a rebound after your nasty breakup guess who frickin came running, hoping she was just one of the others who had left. But now, I look into your eyes and I see that there would and can never be an us." She smiled at him, "I'm done being hung over a man that don't feel the same way, I'm done blaming myself for not doing enough or doing too much, I'm done being the fucking villian of this romantic episode of your life. I love you but I think I love myself more," she stood up and his eyes narrowed as she stretched her arms wide for a hug which he stepped into after a few more minutes of looking at her like she was telling a terrible joke.
Xavier stared at his ceiling few minutes after the most awkward hug he have ever had which had included him recoiling after few seconds and watching her muster a fake smile as she shook her head then walked out of his room and he could tell his life too. Yet, he felt nothing. If anything he felt like a huge burden just dropped from his shoulders.
He picked up his phone and clicked on Maya's number.