I walk up next and stand in front of a small but a meaningful crowd that has joined to attend Kezya’s funeral.
I clear my voice.
“You all know me. I am Kendal Hughes, Kezya Black’s friend. You all called us Ken and Kez like we were a sitcom and believe me she really loved it. I can’t say that I knew Kezya very well just because I was her best friend. She had secrets, I mean everybody has but she was ashamed of her feelings and just took a wrong decision”
I suck my breath in, “We always talked late nights about our future together and going to New York and going to fancy restaurants and just living our life. If she ever thought about that for a second, I wouldn’t be here talking and neither would you. She took her decision, we never knew she had depression, if we did, I know she would’ve been alive”
“Don’t ever be ashamed of what you are, it will lead us somewhere where we don’t want to be and the pain you feel will not stop when you are gone. It’ll just pass on, to your loved ones” I finish; I am surprised that I was even able to talk.
I sit next to Charlie, after everyone’s finished their eulogy’s we stand up and Charlie pulls me closer to him. It still feels impossible even though we are close enough.
They call us for the burial but we already planned that we wouldn’t go, it’s just too hard to watch her gone.
Outside Deorgon, our lives will go on but Kezya’s stop here. I always wondered if she ever talked about her depression, she would’ve been alive, even through the torture they put her through, she never told me anything. If only she talked, she would’ve been alive but I don’t think about more than that.
After the den, Charlie got admitted and now he’s fine but sometimes winces in pain. Ruby’s also getting good, I saw her today and she smiled and mouthed, ‘Thank you’
The ride home was silent.
I still live in Charlie’s home, and I will, till we both leave for NYU. I got to know that he applied to NYU to be with Kezya and surprisingly he got in too, Kezya got into USC. Now he’ll be coming to New York with me, I’ll be living with him. I thought we are going too fast but our therapist says that we have both gone through a terrible phase and it’ll help us recover.
His parents are fine with it and my parents are still getting comfortable with it, I forgave my mom. She’s ok with me not attending Medical College.
We enter the house, and Charlie hugs me, tight. I hug him back.
It still feels unreal.
“Ok, I need to change mister” I say pulling back.
“Fine” he says smiling; it’s been so long since I saw him smile.
I go to my room and change into pajamas and t-shirt. I go to the dresser to put back my ornaments, but I find Kezya’s journal. The one her mom gave me when I went to her home.
I open it; sometimes all you need is to be alone. She has written in her smooth cursive handwriting.
I don’t want to see what she’s written; I already know enough of what she went through. I place it back but something lurks in the edge of the book, I open the page and there is an envelope.
I take it, there are two of them. One with Kendal written on it, the other one with Charlie. I gasp.
I open the one with my name on it.
Dear Ken,
I won’t be around when you read this but here’s what I wanted to say. You are always over thinking and cry over things and I think that’s sweet, you want a future for yourself and I appreciate it. I hope you remember the times where we talked about going to NYU, those days might seem impossible now but they are possible, the only thing is that I won’t be there with you to enjoy them. Don’t give up on what you are doing and always say what you have in your heart.
I took the decision because something shifted and I didn’t really want to live anymore and I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy with the decision I took but I know you will be for where you are right now.
Have fun at New York and don’t always let your parents control you and do what you always love.
Speaking of love, go talk to Charlie. You think I don’t know? I’ve been a friend long enough to know who you love. Now that I won’t be around, he’s all yours and don’t think of this as betrayal or over think like you always do. Think of it as a gift, he was a gift for me but he doesn’t derserve.
You’ll know what to do without me and when you miss me, just think of our times together.
With love,
Your best friend,
Kezya.