Sofia.
I woke up to the sound of screaming and banging. It took a moment for me to remember where I was - the psych hospital. I look around the small room I share with another patient, trying to keep the panic at bay. But it was hard when I was surrounded by people who were clearly crazy, and I could not help but wonder if I was indeed one of them.
The room I was put in was small and sparsely furnished, with basic amenities such as a bed, a chair, and a small table. The walls and floors were made of sturdy and easy-to-clean materials made of concrete and linoleum, and the windows were made of shatterproof glass to prevent self-harm or escape attempts.
The room also had additional features which are padded walls even a camera system to monitor patients’ behavior. The lighting was typically bright and uniform, with no sharp shadows or dim corners that could cause anxiety or confusion. The decor was minimalistic, with soothing, neutral colors and simple patterns. The furniture was designed to be durable and easy to clean, with no sharp edges or protrusions that could be used for self-harm. All potentially dangerous items, such as belts, shoelaces, and sharp objects, were removed from the room to prevent us from harming ourselves or others.
I closed my eyes and tried to breathe deeply, just like the therapist assigned to me taught me. But it was hard when I kept having these vivid dreams about Deangelo coming to rescue me from this den I was put in. I wondered if he knew about my situation right now and if he would try to help me no matter what, if he does know.
"Hey, Sofia, are you okay?"
I opened my eyes to see a nurse standing in front of me, looking concerned. I tried to push away the anger and fear that had been boiling inside me ever since I got here.
"No, I'm not okay," I said, my voice shaky. "I just don't belong in this place. I'm not like these people and you know it. I do not deserve to be here like this. I don't want to be here."
"I know it's hard," the nurse said, sitting down next to me. "But you have to try to stay calm. we are just trying to help you, and this is not a death sentence or anything. You are sure going to be let go of when you get better, you just have to trust us."
Trust them? How can I trust them when they won't even let me leave? I'm not crazy, and I knew that if I could just get out of here, I would be okay. But how could I convince them of that?
"I don't need you guys’ help," I snapped. "I just need to get out of here, there are a lot of things that this place is hindering me from focusing on, I need to find Deangelo and make him my man just the way it should be, I need to e with him soon enough before some other bitch sees the opportunity to snatch him up! We need to get married."
The nurse sighed as she looked at me with sad eyes. "Sofia, you know he's does not want you. He's gone, and he's not worth hurting yourself over, I am sure that you can get someone better, it does not have to be him."
I felt a surge of anger and frustration. Why doesn't she understand? Why doesn't anyone ever understand this simple issue? Why are they all so dumb and foolish?
"You don't know anything," I said, my voice rising. "You don't know how much he actually likes me, all he needs is a little push and he will be in my arms just like I want. You don't know how it feels to trapped here when I could be using that opportunity to make him see what he is missing out on."
"I do know," she said softly. "I've worked here for years, Sofia. I know what it's like to feel like you're losing your mind. But you have to fight it. It’s okay, Sofia." The nurse said, patting my hand. "You're in a safe place now. We're here to help you."
I nodded, feeling tears prick at the corners of my eyes. I did not want to be here. I did not want to be labeled as crazy, or dangerous, or whatever they thought I was. But at the same time, I did not know how to get out of this mess.
As the nurse leave, I closed my eyes and tried to focus on my breathing. Maybe if I could calm down enough, I would be able to think more clearly. Maybe I could find a way to prove that I am not crazy, that I did not belong here.
Suddenly, my roommate walked in, “Sofia? I am here to see you? Are you alright?” She asked and when she knew that she was not going to get any answer from me, she continued, “I know that you hate me so much right now, but I want you to know that I did this because I love you and I could not continue to see you hurt yourself like that. You were deteriorating so much and it hurts me too, I just needed to get you help and-”
I felt a surge of anger and fear as I continued to hear her speak, and before I knew it, I was attacking her. “Oh, shut up already, you godforsaken bitch! You are such a frenemy and a liar! You wanted me here and that’s why you called them to throw me in this stupid prison! So, don’t you dare act like this was for my good or some fake shit like that, you bitch!”
I continued to scream and pull her hair letting her know that I hated her for putting me in this place. The nurses here cut everyone's nails short in case someone gets violent, so I couldn't exactly scratch her with my fingernails like I actually wished to but I've been sharpening the ends of my toothbrush with the edge of the walls while planning my escape.
The nurses rushed in and pulled us apart as expected and while they were busy trying to calm everyone down, I grabbed my toothbrush and tried to stab her. I did not even know why I did it. It was like I wasn't in control of my own actions. I didn't mean to hurt her, I just wanted to escape this place.
As I saw her on the floor with the toothbrush sticking out of her hand and crying, the fogginess in my brain eased, and I realized what I had done. I moved to say that I was sorry, but no one allowed me to get close. They held me down while a nurse prepared a sedative to knock me out.
“Please, I am so sorry! I do not mean to do that, that was just a mistake. I am not crazy, please. You guys have to believe me, I am very much sane, please, just listen to me. Listen to what i have to say, I am fine, that was a little mistake on my part...”
I kept shouting that I was not crazy, saying it over and over again, but it was like no one was listening.
As the plunger goes in, I felt the darkness closing in around me. Maybe they were right - maybe I was crazy. But I could not accept that. I could not accept that I was stuck in this place, surrounded by people who were even more messed up than I was.
I closed my eyes and tried to find some kind of peace in the darkness. Maybe tomorrow would be better. Maybe tomorrow, I would wake up and find a way out of here. But for now, I was locked in this madness, and I did not know if I would ever escape.