Chapter 26
"Ah-ah- I tried everything to make you notice me," I bowed. I could not control myself to speak. It's up to me what else I can tell him. It's here. This is the right time for him to know the truth.
I barely looked at him, he was looking at me, sadly, I don’t like the way he looked at me. "I did everything I can. I also didn't expect you to be my partner. You don't know what I felt when I found out and saw you in front of me," I stopped for a moment. I pay attention to the people around us. I noticed Leighden staring at me. “I was so happy,” I added. He needs to know everything. I want to lose everything in my chest and this is the proper and right way to tell him. It's here. I faced him and talked to him. I need to tell him. "... but when you suddenly grabbed the microphone I was holding, telling 'Sorry, I don't want to be her King,' ..." I looked at him full of doubt. I hope he knows how I feel. Hopefully he knows and he feels for fair. "... Neil, you hurt me just by saying those," I stopped again and closed my eyes hard, I barely looked. Oh my! My tears are already welling up. I can feel it. "I was hurt-"
"I hurt you?" he asked. "... I left, yeah, but I didn't intend to hurt you. I know! You were hurt because you had expectations of me, not because I left you alone on stage when I saw you!"
I just blinked at what he said as I stared at him.
Every word he said, a different knife piercing my chest. Just every word he said, I was hurt.
Why ?!
He's just explaining, why am I hurting? Damn it!
"I didn't mean to hurt you, Pershey. You hurt, how?"
Before I could answer, Leighden approached us, holding my arm. I hesitated to look at her. She sadly let go and backed away a little.
I looked at Neil who was staring at me.
Why can't he understand me? Why not?
Is he numb?
"How do I hurt?" I asked. Why doesn't he know ?! Damn! Bullshit love! "... I hurt, you suddenly leave. Why did you leave when you saw me?"
"Do I have to tell you over and over again? I left 'coz I want! Why are you asking that question ?!"
"I need an answer! I'm confused! Because, you can't feel how I feel!"
Oh no! W-why am I screaming? Why I can't stop this fucking mouth ?!
"I gave the answers, Pershey, and to tell you, I don't care about your feelings. Those are your feelings, my friend?"
"W-why are you like that?"
Leighden grabbed me again to force us to leave. People are already gathering us here on the rooftop.
"Leighden, I can, I'm okay," I whispered.
"Let's go," she said softly, shaking me. "We have to go," she insisted, shaking me again. "Pershey ..."
I forced my smile and tightly hold her hand before saying, "Forgive me for this time. I can handle it," I said softly.
I ignore the people around me. I noticed that Neil was the same.
Leighden backed away again, I turned my gaze back to Neil.
Why can't he feel my pain? Why can't he feel what I felt?
Why can't he?
"I can't find the reason for you to leave me," I deliberately stopped. His forehead furrowed. Maybe, he won't understand what I'm saying again. "You can pretend we don't know each other and not leave me on stage, Neil," I looked at something else to avoid our eyes meeting. "I was confused."
"I'm sorry, I don't have enough time now to talk to you. I'm just wasting my time talking to you." He turned to me and was about to take a step. "Expectations will hurt you even more, better to stop it," he added. He kept his back to me. I took that chances for him to stay in front of me even if he wasn't looking at me.
I looked at him even with my back turned. I deeply inhaled before saying, "I'm sorry, but I like you, just then, Neil, you just didn't know, you didn't pay attention. I kept liking you until I felt that I was in love with you." I could hear the whispers of the people but I remained deaf to what they were saying. Whatever they say or they will say, go on, I don’t care. What do they contribute to my life?
I turned my attention back to Neil who was still looking back. I hope he understands me. I did it, I already told him how I felt but why didn't the heavy burden on my chest seem to be reduced? Why does it seem to be increasing even more?
"Neil," I called softly. Finally, he turned to me. Staring at me, he looked around us, at Leighden as well. He looked back at me.
"Useless feelings, Pershey. You better stop loving or liking me. I don't like you," he said.
I kept staring at him. I can't speak, I can't speak, I can't speak from what he said. I just kept looking at him.
"I don't like you, Pershey, and you're not the type of woman I want," he added so I was even more speechless. No words entered my brain. I couldn't speak. "... you're not, Pershey, and I won't like you," he added. I can't say anything. I can't think of anything to say or respond to what he said. The sharp knives in my chest have increased. I'm slowly being destroyed. "... I'll repeat, I don't want you," he said last. he before he left.
I was stunned, I let him leave me again.
I was like a statue though I'm not. I'm just an idiot. I don't know if the students will whisper about me.
“I don't like you, I don't like you” kept coming back to my mind those words Neil said in front of me, in front of a crowd.
I just blinked as I stood. It was as if I was nailed to where I stand now as I looked around.
My mind just went blank when I felt Leighden's body hugged me.
I hugged her arms tightly wrapped around me.
"I'm so sorry, I do nothing," she whispered. I did not speak. I can't spill! Shit! Why ?!
"I don't like you, I won't like you"
I shook my head and closed my eyes tightly. I tightened the grip on Leighden's arm even more when she suddenly removed it and slipped out of the embrace. She came in front of me, staring at me first before hugging me.
To her I fell. On her shoulder my tears flowed. My vision is blurring as I look at the students around us.
Leighden slowly left the hug. She looked at the students staring at us. I heard their whispers but I didn't know! I don't even care! They have nothing to contribute to my life!
"Get out! Get out of here on the rooftop first! Get down everyone! Get out!" she scolded the students so they all went down. We were the only two left at the top.
She took the chair and made me sit down. She sat down in front of me while holding my hand tightly.
She removed my glasses, she wiped them. She also wiped my cheek which was wet with my tears.
I just stared at her as she wiped my face. I could feel her concern for me, she didn’t even say it.
"What do you want? Where do you want to go? What do you want to eat, to buy?" she asked me, she also tried to smile, fake smile.
I knew she wanted to entertain me. I knew she was very worried about me.
I just smiled at her, I didn't say a word, just looked at her.
She went over, rubbed her cheek so I frowned.
Is she crying?
I touched both of her cheeks so she could face me, to look at me.
I saw her tears, teary eyes. Oh, I'm sorry, my Leighden. I'm sorry to make you cry.
"Why are you crying?" I asked.
"I thought, it was my fault," she replied. I shook at what she said before I wiped away her tears. "I'm sorry, it was my fault."
"No, you're not, it won't be your fault, Leighden."
"Shhh, n-no, Leighden. Its not your fault, okay?"
"I should have just forced you to stay away from Neil. I shouldn't have introduced you to Ca Pety. I thought she's real. I hope I didn't support you with Neil. If I had just forced you, it wouldn't have led to this."
He blames himself but he doesn’t know it’s my fault. I chose to keep my feelings for Neil even though I knew Neil wouldn't love me. No. Impossible.
I kept loving him even though there was neither of us. I kept loving him even though I had nothing to hold on to but how I felt for him. I know, he won't love me the way I love him. Who will like me? I am a weird, nerd and they're saying, I'm just like an old woman by my outfit. Who will love me? I'm not pretty like other woman.
Why did I fall for the person who was impossible to be me? Why him yet? Why did I still feel this way about him? I like him, I love him ... but unfair. No matter how much I like him, if he doesn't like me, I lose.
I want the person I love to love me but that man, he can't love me. He's hard to get. He will just love me, is that difficult?
Why I need to feel this pain just because of love? Why being in love is the main reason why people cry?
Why ?!
Why do people fall in love ... and then ... end up crying?
Does it require? Do we really have to cry first before achieving true love?
Why does true love is rare? Fake is everywhere.
"I'm done," I said, I wipes my tears away and stoop up. I looked up, I see the lonely clouds, I felt that the cloud was lonely just like my feelings right now.
Is this the end of my story? Is this the end of my love story? When can I achieve true love? Who is destined for me? Why hasn't he come yet? Why hasn't he come yet so I don't love Neil anymore.
Why does it hurt?