Chapter 27
3 days before my birthday, here I am, just lying in bed while looking at the ceiling. I chose to stay here today than to go to school and listen to those speakers to announce the programs starting tomorrow.
Neil's line always hit my mind, such a bullet, such a gun, a knife and all killing equipments.
I sighed deeply. What can I do today, to ease my boredom, and everything hunting my mind?
I barely looked at the window. The light, giving light in this dark room, light that lighten my mind.
I heard the ringing of my phone on the desk, making me annoyed.
Of course, I need to answer the call, though I don't have a time to talk to anyone.
I just stare at the screen of my phone, reading Leighden's name, those numbers and records.
I gasped before I spoke, "Hello," I gently said.
‘Where are you?’ She asked in another line.
I sighed again, staring at the wall, I said, "I wanna be alone, let me be."
She felt silent for a moment. I really want to be able to think first and be alone. I need to refresh my mind. I want peace of mind even just for this day before I start another day for tomorrow.
Leighden is right, I shouldn’t have focused my attention on Neil, on paying attention to him. I was wrong, every stupid things, undeniable illusions with him, and that bullshit expectations.
Iries is right too. Expectations will hurt me in the end, she's definitely right. She was also right when she said that I am a stupid woman, stupid feelings for a numb man.
I just now understood everything they were telling me. I was ... wrong in everything that I thought I was right.
They're right, I need to change myself and stop chasing a man like Neil. He's not for me, he can't be.
Now, I need to focus. I'm done chasing him. I need to let go everything, I need to let go my feelings for him.
He's not for me.
He doesn't love me. Oh, he can't.
Tomorrow, another day. I'm not ready to go in yet. I was not yet ready to see the place where I was embarrassed, the place that awoke with my closed eyes, the place where I heard during my time of being deaf to the truth.
Ca Pety, Nanny Yuna, everyone around me was right too.
Love can wait, I'm just in a hurry. I hurried to find the man for me. Man will love me. I was truly wrong in evey stupid things.
I became blind, oh my. > _
I thought, all expectations ... just like reality. Small shovel. Expectations are not the same in reality.
I need to accept the truth that Neil is not the man for me, he's not meant for me either.
Even if I force myself on him, it doesn't make sense. Out of his own mouth came, ‘I don’t want you’
Words that hunting my mind in every single moment. Pretty painful?
No!
It's like ... my heart breaks into pieces and I can't no longer fix it.
Who can fix my broken heart? Is he coming? Is he on his way? Is there already?
Then ... where is he?
I heard a knocked. I just barely looked at the door, waiting for the speaker to speak.
My eyes full of loneliness, mixed emotions, I don't know how to explain what I am feeling right now.
I didn't sleep much. He's words hunting my mind, always. It made me hard to sleep.
I heard a knocked again. I just let him/her outside. I don't want to see anyone. I want to be alone. I want to think and relax.
My heart wants to rest, even just for a moment.
My heart ... oh my heart :-( I need to fix you by my own. I need to be who I am but I prefer to be want they want me to be. This is for myself, only for myself.
I heard a knocked, 3 times. I get up in bed and went straight to the door. I waited to hear a knock again.
No one is knocking now, who's that mice comes in kitten's house?
"I am sleeping, don't you know?" I asked. I haven't opened the door yet. I just asked her/ him, of course 'her' there is no other man in the house except my drivers.
"Forgive me, Doña Pershey," she said softly. I immediately opened the door. From her voice, I knew immediately that she was Nanny Yuna. She is also the only one who calls me ‘Doña Pershey’. I'm relieved for Nanny Yuna, perhaps' coz she stands as my mother since Mommy and Dad left.
I looked at her as if nothing had happened. I don't want her to worry.
She's staring at me as if she's examining me.
I looked away, fake my smile on her.
"I cooked for you, Doña Pershey," she said. I barely looked at her.
I nodded in response.
I was about to leave when she spoke behind me.
"You can talk to me anytime, Doña Pershey."
I turned around to see her.
I frowned, trying to know what's inside her, her meaning.
"I am okay, can't you see?" I forced to smile, hopefully to be effective. "Can you see this smile?" I pointed my lips, smiling bitterly inside. I want her to believe that I am okay, I am happy just like nothing's happened.
Se shook her head. My forehead wrinkled.
“You’re not okay.You are not happy now. I feel, you're not happy," she replied to me as the fake smile slowly disappeared from my lips. I hesitated to look at her. "Your mouth says differently than your eyes show, Doña Pershey. You're not happy," she added. I just went to what she said.
She's right. I'm not really happy. I'm not okay.
I tried to fool her. I tried to hide my feelings, my loneliness, everything that envelopes me.
I tried to act like I am okay. Damn, no! I am not okay!
"Just prepare my bath, Nanny Yuna," I excused just so we couldn't talk about those things anymore.
I went down, straight to the dining room.
I just watched the food on the dining table.
It's only now that I feel sad when I eat alone. Now I just felt like something was missing.
For 17 years, I just now felt the weight on my chest apart from the pain my heart felt. There is something in me that cannot be explained.
There seems to be something missing that I can't find.
I looked at every seat that was unoccupied, empty seats that should have been seated.
I used to eat alone but only now have I changed. It's not fun to eat alone at a long dining table.
I looked around me, every expensive things around me, expensive displays and jars. Fancy flowers but I felt like it's not alive. Sad as well as the color of the flowers, everything around me.
I don’t seem to be alone in grief. Everything I see, seems lifeless, lifeless. Even this mansion where I live, something is still missing.
I bought every expensive things here. Everything I like, I buy, but ... I can't buy love. I can't buy his love.
If money can buy my happiness, I'll buy Neil, I'll buy him for no matter how much money, and if money can buy love, I'll spend a huge amount, I'll just get the love I want.
I want a love that won't end. I want, it's just me, yes, it's just me, no one else. I like, he will be with me through ups and downs. I want a man who can stay with me even at my worst, I'll stay too.
... but it's hard to get.
"Señorita," she calls to me. I slowly looked at her, at Bria. "Can I eat with you?" she asked. I just stared. I stared at her. "Miss?"
I blinked. I nodded in response. I didn't take my eyes off her until she sat down next to my chair. As usual, I’m at the end, she’s beside me.
I was still staring at her as she ate.
Why I can't understand this feeling whenever she's in front of me?
I am not comfortable with the informations she said about her. I was looking for information on her that I didn’t know what.
"I'll melt, Señorita," she said. I took my eyes off her and looked at something else.
I couldn’t move the foods in front of me. I lost my appetite. It's not Bria I want to eat with....but my parents.
I want to experience eating together with my family, not with the maids. I don't know yet how that would feel.
"You're thinking deeply," she commented as she continued to eat. I ignored her.
I already have everything I want but there is always something missing that I can’t fill. There was something missing in myself, in my personality, I just now felt and noticed.
Only now have I opened my eyes. I used to be blind in everything. I don't really notice the things around me. I didn’t notice everything.
I thought, I am the most blessed woman in the Universe. I thought, I'm the luckiest woman in the world. I get everything, whatever I want. I lived in this kind of mansion without others, longed for by many. I have guards, maids and drivers, but there is still something missing even though I have everything.
Is this love?
Neil opened my eyes and ears. I was really blind and deaf then.
I have friends but I only have one true friend, Leighden, only her. I have annoying cousin, Iries, only her. I have mom and dad, but ... I can't feel that I have. I have Nanny Yuna who stands as my parents ...
... but something is still missing.
I’m confused as to what is missing in me that I can’t fill.
What's wrong with me? What's happening to me?
"Don't you have any plans to eat, Señorita?" Bria asked.
I looked at her, on her eyes, direct to it. I wanna say something but I prefer to say, "Good morning." I stood up and left. I can no longer eat the amount of thoughts and thoughts that enter my mind.
I went straight in my room. I lay down again, staring at the ceiling.
The color of the ceiling was lifeless, I just now noticed.
I heard a knocked while saying, "I've prepared your food, Doña Pershey."
I stood up when suddenly the surroundings moved. I staggered closer to the door. I held my head. I held it as I walked closer to the door. Gradually my vision darkened but I still tried to get close to the door and open it.
I forced myself until I opened the door and immediately my eyes rolled and I fell to the floor. I was no longer aware of everything.